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lately i been having suicidal thoughts. i've tried to ignoring them but it keeps getting worse.i almost acted upon it by self harming. sometimes i would hyperventilate randomly with these rushing thoughts of insecurity. me binge eating doesn't help either.im losing interest in things i normally like doing and i'm procasinatinate a lot . i think i need help

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i have to accept that ive got this condition and i have to manage it well to live well - there are things that can make it so much worse + and things that can help me heal and feel better

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ive had anxiety which affects how i function in life for about 10 years now. in that time my patterns are so maladaptive; im very avoidant , feel hopeless , fall into ruts, isolate myself , self-sabotage by avoiding anything i find difficult. i haven't really helped myself to do the best i can or to improve my life i feel immature in that i am still living with the same avoidant patterns ; i haven't learned and grown as a person. can anyone share their story of how they changed themselves from being an avoidant person? .. describing what exactly were the key things that helped you change? i have no idea what will work for me thanks in advance . i feel so alone and unworthy by falling behind so much

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hi, i've recently come to realise i have an addiction to online chatting with internet strangers. for the past week, i've been doing nothing but spending hours chatting with people online. i am normally a quiet shy person in real life and sometimes find it difficult to be able to interact with other people and express myself. but when i'm online, i have nothing to worry about as i am offered anonymity and therefore given the freedom to talk about anything to anyone. i've have met tons of people online and have had many intriguing discussions with them. i've spoken to them about topics that i would never talk about with friends, family, or other people, and have even confessed alot of things that no one in real life knows about me. it makes me feel so satisfied and happy that i'm able to connect so well with people online that i keep coming back, hoping to have another intriguing experince with someone else. initially i wanted to use this as an outlet, but i'm aware it's becoming more than that. i spend so much time chatting online, it's gotten to a point where i no longer attend to activities such as chores, work or going out. i don't even answer texts from friends or family but would i would be more than happy to engage in a convo with strangers online. please help me.

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some life experience here that might help someone else

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i had people stalking me online and they tracked me down on mellowtalk. the owner gives out personal information.

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hello i have been having this poor coping mechanism for sometime now . i coop up and avoid people, my routine turns upside down as i am avoiding life but i become very mindless and either spend endless time distracting myself or eating. i feel really bad shutting people out or not interacting with them while i am hooked onto these self-destructive habits. i think i am really lacing in self-awareness that i can fall into these ruts time and time again. has anyone ever changed themselves from such shameful habits before? any advice on how i can face myself and make myself a better person? is the answer to motivation and improving oneself , to be more connected with other people and the world around me? i isolate too much , i think that is something i have done naturally many times over the years and cant help falling back into every time i am stressed.

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im 28 now and throughout my life i keep living in such a mindless way, get stuck in ruts or have anxiety, fatigue and struggle to keep up. i have yet to finish a degree and earn a salary or support myself. i am just being lazy and entitled and avoiding my responsibilities . i eat unhealthily, cannot stick to a diet, lay about and avoid doing the last of my uni work which will help me graduate. i have not put in any effort for months . it is unbelievable . feb jan dec nov oct sep aug july all these months that i had to do it and i have left myself with less than 4 weeks to write the whole thing. i am not living to create a good future for myself . i am wasting away and ruining my prospects . my daily habits are shameful , what am i doing with my time . why am i wasting my life. im 28 and my life has passed me by , the best years . im making myself ugly and ruining what i have . how could i do this? do i want to see myself fail ? do i want to feel ashamed to all my family and friends. why am i not acknowledging the consequences of my actions . i have been here time and time . dumb avoidant lazy , hopeless

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ive been cutting for a year now. i need to stop. i want to get help, but know i need to tell my parents to get it. please help me out, my cutting’s getting dangerous.

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i feel really selfish writing this, but today is my birthday and everybody had forget it, including my parents. i wish i can forget my own birthday too so i couldn't realised how many people actually forgot it. can you say 'happy birthday' to me, please? it's all i want right now.

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i don’t want to die, but i wish my life wasn’t my life. i wish my demons weren’t mine. i wish the events of my past weren’t mine. i wish i could be given some big cosmic do over and just give someone else’s a try. i just really don’t want this one anymore. i know no ones life is perfect. i know everyone has their struggles. im just so tired. some of the things in my life can never be solved, by therapy or medications or anything. they will always be there and will hold me in eternal conflict. someone i love and someone who destroys my soul at the same time. life would be so much easier without emotions.

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so now i am 20, but when i was 17 i had sex for the very first time. 5 months earlier i had my first kiss and boyfriend, i didn't even want him to take of his shirt, because i wasn't really ready for anything sexual and it felt akward. we were together for 2 months, so fast forward 5 months later i was out of the first relationship and liked another guy, with whom i started a relationship. on the second week of us beeing together we went on a hike with another friend. when the hike finished we droped of the friend, we were near my boyfriends house and he was driving the car. so my boyfrind said: -i will drive you home in 1 hour because then i have some work in the center of the city, i don't want to drive 2 times to there. all of that made sence to me and he didn't leave me any ather choice. i didn't know where i was and how to get home by my own, so i said ok. we went to his house, his parents and his sister were there. he lived on the whole last flor of the house. so i sat on a chair infront of his computer, but he came to me, he picked me up from the chair and started kissing me. (i am noting that he knew i was a virgin and told me he will wait for me) i was ok because it was kissing, he was my boyfriend i foolishly trusted him, so he took me on the bed and i was ok at first, but then he started pulling my clothes of. i wasn't comfortable and told him i don't want to have sex and he was like: we won't. he was touching me and i was like ok, he is 18, he had sex, i am his girlfriend, i felt like a prood. i felt that it was normal for him to want things from me. i was ok with the touching, but then he pulled his pants off and tried to put his penis inside of me. i pulled away and asked him: -what are you doing? he told me: -i am gust trying something. then he proceeded to ask me at least 15-20 times if i wanted to have sex with him. i said: -no, no, no, no...no and again no... he tried to pursuade me: -come on we have gone so far, why not, why are you scared? at the end he said: -ok, we will do it when you are ready. 1 minute later he held me down and proceeded to have sex with me and told me: -are you sure you are a virgin i didn't feel anything. at the same moment i was trying to get away. 2 seconds later he was sitting on top of me. he got closer to me and shuved his penis in my mouth, i almost cried and got away after a minute or two of strugling. i grabed my clothes and put them on. he had locked the door without me even nothising, his perents were on the first floor, in the yard there was a big dog (i am terified by big dogs). i felt trapped. he then stood up and was like: -i will drive you. and i let gim do it. i didn't know how to get home by my own. he acted like everything was normal. he drove me home and when i was at my house he asked me in a message: -is there blood? do you hurt? i was histerical, i cried on the phone to my girlfriend, but i couldn't bring myself to tell her what happened. i didn't break up with him. you may ask why? i lost my virginity by him, if i broke up with him the assault would have been real. i would admit that i was raped. that way i convinced myself that: i had sex with my boyfriend, i was in a relationship, it was ok, it wasn't a random guy, i was ready, but in fact it was the total opposite. we were togheter for 3 months until he decided he didn't need me anymore. he cheated on me, he treated me like garbige, but i couldn't help to leave him on my own.(i left the boy before him for telling me i needed a boob job, but i couldn't bring myself to break up with him, eventhoug he also told me i needed one). after that i was alone for almost a year and a half. from then till now i am with my current boyfriend and he is great. i tried telling him, but he thinks i am exaturating, he asks me: -why did you stay with him after what happened? he doesn't understand it and i feel so alone in this. my boyfrind always wanted to be with a virgin girl and i was not. i had sex with the guy that assaulted me a total of 4 times. i did not have sexual relations with ather guys and when my boyfriend brings it up i feel like i am about to cry. he says he is always second in life. i feel like a used bag of trash.

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you've hurt me so much. i couldn't take it anymore. i burst. i told you i no longer wanted to be friends. your jokes hurt me. your words hurt me. but for the past week without you in my life, things feel quiet. too quiet. i miss the way things used to be. when we'd go exploring and when i'd give you those little origami swans with messages inside of them. i really miss that. and the day of the talent show, i can't stop thinking about that day. it was one of the highlights of my year. but then everything came crashing down in flames. you hurt me. i think i may have hurt you. but you don't talk to me. and don't seem like you want to talk to me. but then you go to my friend and tell her you feel bad about what you've done. i don't know which side of you to follow. do you want to talk or do you want me out of your life? i miss you. i hate that i miss you.

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i love my family and i want them in my life. but, well, they’re really homophobic. and im a lesbain. i know that they wouldn’t love me if they only knew im gay. they wouldn’t treat me the same. i dont blame them tho, my parents grew up in the ussr and all their relatives were (and still are, obviously) homophobic. they were raised this way, i know, and i know i cant change them, but i cant live like this anymore. seems like all i do is lie, lie, lie. and it disgusts me so much, i disgust me so much. i sometimes wish i wasnt born at all

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i am currently in a very bad spot and was planning to leave home forever. recently found out, my father is planning on spending a lot of money for my sake, for a chance to make me get better. but one of the reasons i've been planning to leave is because i have been a horrible burden on everyone, especially to my family. should i take the chance to recover or should i leave before he spends and stop being a burden on them?

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it's been really hard to deal with these intense, dejected feelings and act like i am fine. i want you to know that these emotions are not because of you. your actions do affect me, but i am the reason that i blow them out of proportion and convince myself that you do not love me anymore. i unfortunately need a lot of reassurance and i am at a very vulnerable and sensitive time of my life. i cannot explain it.. but i feel terrible for putting you through this... we did have our issues and you've fixed them, but i still don't feel better about myself. so it has to be me. i must be the problem.... and im sorry for making my problems your problems. it is not your responsibility to take care of me.. i love you and i think you deserve better than me.

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my parent thinks i'm useless and i know that already but it hurts so bad. i just think its better for me to not exists. i have everything pent up inside and i know it's not good but what can i do. i'll never be good enough. not for myself, not for parents nor for anyone. i am not brave enough to end this but i am so tired of felling bad about everything. i just want everything to end

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i hate myself so much. every single part of me. i hate how i look and i hate my personality. nothing has ever felt right for me. regardless of how hard i try, nothing changes, nothing ever gets better and, honestly, im sick of it. im sick of everything and, most of all, im sick of myself. i feel so stupid, so disgusting, so wrong and worthless. i dont feel love, i dont feel loved. hell, at this point i can barely feel... anything. i tried taking meds, seeing a therapist, i tried meditating, i tried socializing more, i tried everything. didnt work out. im so tired, i just wanna die.

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this isnt something like important and i should probably talk about more pressing issues but right now im sad about this so thats what im going to randomly vent about. here goes... i love this rapper called nf... and i mean he's amazing and i want to hear him live so bad... but i live in islamabad and the chances of him coming here are none... and like by the time i grow up... i plan to move abroad... hopefully that'll happen... but by the time i do grow up he'll probably be old and wouldnt be rapping from what i know... and idk that just made me real sad... i'll never get to see him or hear him sing in person... sorry for the rambling but yeah...

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you know me, you have known me for a long time, you know my wishes and dreams, i know you and your wishes and dreams. sometimes it seems like we're never on the same page as each other as to where we stand. you said you would never cheat on me and if you were going to you would tell me first. personally honestly i sometimes feel like i am just a sex toy for you, you just don't seem to care. you once told me that you were never really planning on marrying me but yet you asked me, this is why i feel like a sex toy also you said later on that you only married me because you felt like your mom forced you to marry me because we were "engaged" for so long. somehow from all of this i feel this way like i am just being used for my body. when i asked you when you really told me you didn't really want to get married, i felt sad, and hopeless like i crushed your dream and i felt like someone you could just dispose of if anything went wrong. the fact that we work so well together and have worked well together for as long as we have been together shows you that we're meant to be. we just have our problems that we have to sort through. i honestly am not sure why i feel this way, maybe i am just depressed or something, like i am no good and you can just easily get rid of me, even though we're married. i personally feel like when you said you would never cheat on me, the fact that you look at naked women behind my back and cam sites because yes i still know you do that shit and i don't appreciate it, it is just another form of cheating.