hi there, i hope today's kind to you ! <3
please note the content warning of mentions of mental illness, trauma, family, work, homophobia, transphobia, racism, self-harm & suicide --
please note that i am safe, most of these are occasions in passing, i just wanted to ramble my thoughts out between therapy sessions, so please know this tends to be a text & emotionally heavy vent...
as someone who is mentally ill and is dealing with childhood & accumulated trauma from my entire, immediate family & in an unemotionally supportive household while captioning the realities of the world at work, it is exhausting to live in a city and home where i feel isolated and after the suicide of my best friend, it still hurts, especially upon reliving it through the calls i caption while being unable to express how i feel to anyone at home unless i want things to worsen.
i long to express myself for who i am, as someone who is gay and trans, yet i am not guaranteed whatever is left of my household if i were to, and since i cannot afford to live on my own while attending college and working (our family is already low-income, and i cannot work very long due to my mental and physical health) i can only try my best to be skillful, be kind, find hope, and take care when i can.
i do not want to be as cruel as i feel the world can be,
and i want to be a better person,
i try to enjoy my interests and be critical of them,
they tend to be the one thing i know in this home that will accept me, as well as my feelings, validate, and thank me for interacting with them;
i'm also forever thankful for my online (best) friends who remind me there is love and goodness in the world, even if we may be separated by miles apart,
i am beyond thankful for life, despite my years of self-harm and suicide attempts, i will be clean from now on, and i will live until my last breath, i will not die by my own hands no matter how much i feel it would be better, my suicidal baseline will not end me because i will live regardlessly.
at times it is hard, though, i want to keep going. i'm just so tired and it hurts to deal with racism, discriminaton, homophobia, and transphobia on top of that...
i know i am powerful, i know i am capable of being skillful, i know i can take care, i know i am worthy of love, friendship, happiness, and care, despite my struggles and household.
i'm just tired, and i wish i could talk to my parents about how i feel, though, i will only be invalidated and i know this because this has been consistent in my life to the point that it is irrelevant to share the traumas i have experienced from my parents and siblings for they lack consistent empathy and validation towards me and continously fail to do so.
i wish i had someone in this city, a dear friend i could trust and talk to about this, if possible, yet i don't, and i'm still trying to make friends, socializing & social cues have always been difficult for me, especially with the pandemic now.
that's really all i have to say for now...
thank you to anyone who reads this all, <3
i can share a piece of kindness i made for anyone else who needs a sign too, it's a little link to a document i made & try to share, which can be friendly reminder for us both...!
thank you, even if you didn't read this, there are no worries,
please know that i'm cheering you & i both on too... <3