so now i am 20, but when i was 17 i had sex for the very first time. 5 months earlier i had my first kiss and boyfriend, i didn't even want him to take of his shirt, because i wasn't really ready for anything sexual and it felt akward. we were together for 2 months, so fast forward 5 months later i was out of the first relationship and liked another guy, with whom i started a relationship. on the second week of us beeing together we went on a hike with another friend. when the hike finished we droped of the friend, we were near my boyfriends house and he was driving the car. so my boyfrind said:
-i will drive you home in 1 hour because then i have some work in the center of the city, i don't want to drive 2 times to there.
all of that made sence to me and he didn't leave me any ather choice. i didn't know where i was and how to get home by my own, so i said ok. we went to his house, his parents and his sister were there. he lived on the whole last flor of the house. so i sat on a chair infront of his computer, but he came to me, he picked me up from the chair and started kissing me. (i am noting that he knew i was a virgin and told me he will wait for me) i was ok because it was kissing, he was my boyfriend i foolishly trusted him, so he took me on the bed and i was ok at first, but then he started pulling my clothes of. i wasn't comfortable and told him i don't want to have sex and he was like: we won't.
he was touching me and i was like ok, he is 18, he had sex, i am his girlfriend, i felt like a prood.
i felt that it was normal for him to want things from me. i was ok with the touching, but then he pulled his pants off and tried to put his penis inside of me. i pulled away and asked him:
-what are you doing?
he told me:
-i am gust trying something.
then he proceeded to ask me at least 15-20 times if i wanted to have sex with him. i said:
-no, no, no, no...no and again no...
he tried to pursuade me:
-come on we have gone so far, why not, why are you scared?
at the end he said:
-ok, we will do it when you are ready.
1 minute later he held me down and proceeded to have sex with me and told me:
-are you sure you are a virgin i didn't feel anything.
at the same moment i was trying to get away. 2 seconds later he was sitting on top of me. he got closer to me and shuved his penis in my mouth, i almost cried and got away after a minute or two of strugling. i grabed my clothes and put them on. he had locked the door without me even nothising, his perents were on the first floor, in the yard there was a big dog (i am terified by big dogs). i felt trapped. he then stood up and was like:
-i will drive you.
and i let gim do it. i didn't know how to get home by my own. he acted like everything was normal.
he drove me home and when i was at my house he asked me in a message:
-is there blood? do you hurt?
i was histerical, i cried on the phone to my girlfriend, but i couldn't bring myself to tell her what happened. i didn't break up with him. you may ask why? i lost my virginity by him, if i broke up with him the assault would have been real. i would admit that i was raped. that way i convinced myself that: i had sex with my boyfriend, i was in a relationship, it was ok, it wasn't a random guy, i was ready, but in fact it was the total opposite.
we were togheter for 3 months until he decided he didn't need me anymore. he cheated on me, he treated me like garbige, but i couldn't help to leave him on my own.(i left the boy before him for telling me i needed a boob job, but i couldn't bring myself to break up with him, eventhoug he also told me i needed one). after that i was alone for almost a year and a half. from then till now i am with my current boyfriend and he is great. i tried telling him, but he thinks i am exaturating, he asks me:
-why did you stay with him after what happened?
he doesn't understand it and i feel so alone in this. my boyfrind always wanted to be with a virgin girl and i was not. i had sex with the guy that assaulted me a total of 4 times. i did not have sexual relations with ather guys and when my boyfriend brings it up i feel like i am about to cry. he says he is always second in life. i feel like a used bag of trash.