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1 💡

whats wrong with me?

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i hate being so ugly that nobody wants or likes me. i’m not the kind of girl guys fall or fawn over…i’m not the trophy girl…far from it. i just hate being told how they have high standards and i don’t fit the bill or that i’m just too ugly for them. it’s not like i can wave a wand and make myself look different although some guys suggested i go under the knife before. i guess i’m just plain jane and i’m the girl you make fun of in the hallway or at lunch because i was so nerdy or you thought i was retarded and called me special…as in special ed! i mean i know i didn’t choose how i wanted to look (god created me) and that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but it hurts when someone shouts out how you’re ugly as fuck and how they feel sorry for the person that ends up with me. how come nobody wants me...what's wrong with me? why am i so flawed?
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is it wrong for me to dread seeing my "close" cousins + extended family everytime? i just don't get on with them well.

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this will seem petty and i don't know if i should feel this way as they haven't necessarily caused me any serious harm and seem generous, but sometimes i feel like their compassion is only done out of family obligation. i think its worth knowing that im a very introverted person and have suffered from depression and social anxiety for many years. but overtime, i've been seeking help here and there and my anxiety is not as severe as it used to be. i do feel confident and can hold my own in social situations now. and i realised that i really like conversing with and have met alot of amazing people/made friends that way. however, whenever it comes to outings with my extended family, it feels like all my experience and confidence just tends to crumble away. i just struggle to maintain any genuine connection with them. my parents and siblings seem to get on with them just fine, so im not exactly sure why this is the case. on the surface, there isn't anything wrong about my group of cousins, they all get along really well with my siblings and each other, they just don't seem to like interacting with me much... i've noticed that over the years my cousins have become more and more distant from me to a point our interactions just become awkward exchanges of polite small talk. sometimes they won't even greet me when i see them. and there will be times where i have to put more effort into talking with them to get them to engage with me more and they will seem more invested in talking to me and we'll have a great time. but then the very next time i see them again, they would treat me as a complete stranger all over again. with my siblings its a polar opposite treatment. they will warmly welcome them. it is exhausting having to see them over and over and make myself step out of my bubble to make any attempt of getting on with them when i can clearly see they are just not interested in talking with me. i just can't be bothered with them anymore. sometimes i feel its better to cut them out of my life so i can focus more on other aspects of my life. i've realised that when im not worrying about them i seem more happy in general. the only problem is that my immediate family perceive this as wrong and that because they are my relatives who have taken care of me, i shouldnt be selfish like this. and we regularly reunite each year for celebratory occasions such as birthdays etc making them unavoidable. not only that, but my group of cousins and siblings always proudly refer to each other as best friends just to emphasise how tight of a relationship they have. but what is the point if i can't be apart of it?
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how do i get them to leave me alone?

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i hate being cyber bullied online and even in person sometimes. i have problems, but sometimes feel as if im the only one struggling and having problems. i just hate the abuse i get and i hate how shitty my life is. i hate how people tell me to go kill myself because nobody fucken cares or wants anything to do with me. i just want them all to leave me alone...let me wallow in my pain, but they dont. things just get worst for me and i dont know what to do. how do i get them to leave me the fuck alone?
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how do i move on?

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what bothering me is well i hate dwelling in the past. i try so hard to move on and get over it, but it seems to be a repeating pattern. how do i move on and leave the past in the past? i had trouble dealing with it because its weird how the lies we tell ourselves to ease our own soul and become so convincing we believe the lies we told to be truthful, but its an endless cycle. why do we do that and how would one cope with the pain and humiliation all over again?
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why is there spam on here?

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whats up with all the bots and spam on here? why is there lagging on talking and helping people?
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how do i make someone fall for me even with a curse?

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i have the worst luck in love. it seems like i had a curse placed on me since i was born...the curse being that nobody would like or want me and if i want or like someone they would only break my heart. the person who placed it on me even told me they did so its not just in my head. i dont know how to break the curse. things just get worst and worst every time i crush or like someone. they just end up breaking my heart saying they think i'm so ugly and how they dont want or like someone like me...like they are prettier like this guy said she's way hotter than you...how could i make someone fall for me even with a curse? its kind of like beauty and the beast except i'm the beast and by the way im not trolling. im dead serious. i dont want to feel pain and humiliation anymore. am i not worthy of love and just pain? nobody seems to be answer my posts so if i get any answers i would appreciate it. thanks in advance.
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had to deal with reality

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today i went to my dad’s funeral and finally saw him in the casket this was definitely not easy for me to prepare for. but i had to just look at him for the last time before the casket closed up even though i did it but it really hurt me and it will hurt me for a while, if i could go back to june 20th or even way before he passed it would’ve been different
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to my abuser….

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i hope this is ok to post here. i don’t have anyone i feel i can talk to and i wanted to get my feelings out. i wrote this but i feel like i need to release/share it to help let go of my pain or at least deal with it better rather than keeping it bottled up. to my abuser….. i wish the world knew who you really were and what you did. i hope you suffered in your last moments on this planet as i continue to suffer every day from what you did to me. i hope those last moments haunt you beyond the grave as you and your actions haunt me. i hope that you were scared as you lay dying, realising that your life was slipping away, just as i have been scared every day since i was 13 years old. scared of you, scared to tell, scared of anyone with even the slightest resemblance to you and scared of people getting too close. you probably don’t even remember me, but i will never ever forget you. no matter how hard i try, i will never forget what you did. i hate you and i hate everything about you. i only wish your murder finally brought me peace. a nation mourned you though they did not know you. but i knew you. i knew who you really were. i know what you did. and i will never forget. and i will most certainly, never forgive.
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tough to understand

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this week has been difficult for me to accept the fact that my dad is no longer with me, it hurts everyday since he recently passed on i find myself feeling empty and broken inside it’s hard for to get up in the morning because i’m always waiting to hear his voice it’s like i have to push to keep busy not to think about it
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expectations

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expectations i'm disappointed you acted like this. i thought we agreed we would be honest. why are you talking to me like this? what is the problem? what is your problem? why are you such a hypocrite? you insult me, call me names, leave me with so little information, and you expect me to still like you? you expect me to think this is okay, for me to forgive you? how do you think any of this is normal, respectful, caring, like you said we should be to each other? i'm violated by your ignorance to our priorities. we talked about this already, so many times, how to handle something like this, how to be honest and respectful to each other. we talked about what is important, i thought you knew what is important... but instead you leave me behind, leave me in a cloud of dust. you excluded me from our connection because of your selfishness, your greediness of yourself, despite telling me what we would do. how can i not be resentful of you? you've lied to me, betrayed our expectations, chosen the path of least resistance for you when i'm trying so hard to be open and emotionally available for you. but you give nothing, because it's too hard for you. you're weak, and you lie to us both when you say you're strong. you can't really handle the pressure, that's why you run away when things get difficult. it's disgusting. you can't even stand in front of me to listen, to respond to what i'm saying with honesty and directness despite asking me of these things so often. you even threatened me, threatened to leave, this is how weak you are. i can't stand you. you're a fake, you lie to yourself, and lie to me because of that. you're a fake, you're weak, i don't want to see you again, i only feel anger towards you. you ruined this, it's your fault. i despise you for hurting me, hurting us, like this. you don't really care, or you would try harder, you would know how awful what you're doing is. i don't want to speak to you again.
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sad and angry

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the last 24 hours has been difficult for me to accept my dad unexpectedly passed on this morning and i just couldn’t not wrap myself around it at all. he had been experiencing chest pains during a few days one minute he was okay the next he wasn’t feeling well took him to emergency room did test results came back good, he was good spirits and then get the phone call that nobody wants to get from the hospital it was the doctors informing us that they had did code blue on him the third time and my family got there he departed, i just couldn’t believe and still can’t believe it, i know that he wouldn’t want me to remember him the way he passed on he would want me to be strong
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health

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does it make sense for a gynecologist doctor to break the woman’s hymen or no
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hypocrite

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you always telling other to keep their clothes on but you are no better neither. you’re a hypocrite if a woman feels comfortable in her own skin wearing outlandish bikinis that’s her choice she has the right to wear whatever she wants but you tell to have some class and respect herself, oh please you do just about the same why is a grown woman putting another grown woman down telling her she can or can’t wear that
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what to expect

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it seems this summer which is coming has me over the edge which is lift restrictions on mask which is a big step along with other things
2 💡

to the person i was talking with -

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sorry for the disconnect! if you happen to visit this page, one option for feedback is to post to this public forum (insights) and make a post. another is to go to the "about" page and email the creator of this website.
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risk

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definitely on edge about not wearing mask anymore it’s big risk that’s about me permanent on friday for me it’s big adjustment i have to slowly adapt too and it’s not gonna be easy. i know people say they get tired of wearing masks because they sweat and everything
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strange error message in chat

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i got a pop up dialog box repeatedly while chatting. it would keep reappearing despite hitting cancel. the text on the box said: sign in the proxy https://crin-8a29ae.dress-proceed.org requires a username and password. and it had two boxes, one for username and one for password. and two buttons, one for sign-in and one for cancel.
3 💡

i'm struggling & i'm happy we exist;

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hi there, i hope today's kind to you ! <3 please note the content warning of mentions of mental illness, trauma, family, work, homophobia, transphobia, racism, self-harm & suicide -- please note that i am safe, most of these are occasions in passing, i just wanted to ramble my thoughts out between therapy sessions, so please know this tends to be a text & emotionally heavy vent... as someone who is mentally ill and is dealing with childhood & accumulated trauma from my entire, immediate family & in an unemotionally supportive household while captioning the realities of the world at work, it is exhausting to live in a city and home where i feel isolated and after the suicide of my best friend, it still hurts, especially upon reliving it through the calls i caption while being unable to express how i feel to anyone at home unless i want things to worsen. i long to express myself for who i am, as someone who is gay and trans, yet i am not guaranteed whatever is left of my household if i were to, and since i cannot afford to live on my own while attending college and working (our family is already low-income, and i cannot work very long due to my mental and physical health) i can only try my best to be skillful, be kind, find hope, and take care when i can. i do not want to be as cruel as i feel the world can be, and i want to be a better person, i try to enjoy my interests and be critical of them, they tend to be the one thing i know in this home that will accept me, as well as my feelings, validate, and thank me for interacting with them; i'm also forever thankful for my online (best) friends who remind me there is love and goodness in the world, even if we may be separated by miles apart, i am beyond thankful for life, despite my years of self-harm and suicide attempts, i will be clean from now on, and i will live until my last breath, i will not die by my own hands no matter how much i feel it would be better, my suicidal baseline will not end me because i will live regardlessly. at times it is hard, though, i want to keep going. i'm just so tired and it hurts to deal with racism, discriminaton, homophobia, and transphobia on top of that... i know i am powerful, i know i am capable of being skillful, i know i can take care, i know i am worthy of love, friendship, happiness, and care, despite my struggles and household. i'm just tired, and i wish i could talk to my parents about how i feel, though, i will only be invalidated and i know this because this has been consistent in my life to the point that it is irrelevant to share the traumas i have experienced from my parents and siblings for they lack consistent empathy and validation towards me and continously fail to do so. i wish i had someone in this city, a dear friend i could trust and talk to about this, if possible, yet i don't, and i'm still trying to make friends, socializing & social cues have always been difficult for me, especially with the pandemic now. that's really all i have to say for now... thank you to anyone who reads this all, <3 i can share a piece of kindness i made for anyone else who needs a sign too, it's a little link to a document i made & try to share, which can be friendly reminder for us both...! thank you, even if you didn't read this, there are no worries, please know that i'm cheering you & i both on too... <3 (https://tinyurl.com/i-am-happy-you-exist)
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questions and answers

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why are questions being deleted
2 💡

glitches

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hey all. apparently there are 8-9 people talking at once through mellowtalk right now, and perhaps it's because of this that i've been encountering some glitches. 1) the room closes seemingly at random 2) three (maybe more?) people sometimes get put in one room 3) sometimes the room "freezes", so to speak, and i cannot enter anything into the chat window. i think quite a few people are experiencing this right now, so i wanted to provide a thread to discuss it with others - you probably aren't alone in this :)

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