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had to express feelings

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he can go ahead and cheat if he wants too i don't give a f*** what he does or he does it with, i don't care how mad my mom gets bottom line is this you know damn well i don't wanna be with him and shouldn't too, his ass needs to take a 101 class on how to be a gentleman not immature asshole asking questions about anal sex or have you ever sucked dick grow up
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its tough to comes to terms with

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since my dad passed back in june it’s been tough and difficult to face, still asking why did he had to leave so unexpectedly, i feel as though what could’ve me and my family could’ve done to prevent this. my dad had a lot of medical issues one in particular that worried me was his diabetes he always ate what he wanted and sometimes as a diabetic you really have to watch what you eat and most of monitoring your blood sugar, at times i would have to get on him about eating sweets. and along with other issues everything i see him walking slow it worried me but he would say i’m okay honey, if i could turn back the hands of time i would he would still be here
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where's my happily ever after

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this is so hard to write. i’m holding back tears. i don’t know where to begin…i’m gonna be honest, i know im not that good looking…heck, ask any guy i know they would tell you i’m ugly right off the bat and today this person even screamed out how he thinks im so ugly. i don’t know whats wrong with me that nobody likes or wants me. im just tired of hearing no. i’m not looking for a fairy tale ending because i know i wont get one. ive been told numerous times how my head is up in the clouds dreaming of some rom com romance, but hey, i’m only human…cant a girl still dream? i’m not asking for prince charming…but where’s my happily ever after? please don’t tell me to wait it out….ive waited for years! most of my peers are married with kids with successful careers and have their whole life planned out. i thought i would have my life figured out by now too, but i don’t. it scares me to think about my future. i just hate hearing for the last time i fucking never did….over and over…it gets annoying after a while….i know life isn’t a movie, but can we act like it is? i just don’t want to die before the credits roll around.
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am i needy or justified?

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i'll try to keep this brief and thank anyone for their feedback and time in advance. i'm happily married for 4 yrs and been together for about 11 yrs now. by most standards, we have an awesome relationship. by that i mean, we love each other, for the most part we communicate well, we share goals and never really fight. i'm a very affectionate person with my wife and constantly caress and kiss her throughout the day. i do this because i'm just a loving person. with this in mind, i'm usually the one that initiates sex, i'm usually the one that initiates cuddling, i initiate a kiss, you get the idea. my wife is receptive to all of this and i do not feel in any way like she's forced to go along. my problem is that i don't receive this affection from her at all. she reciprocates for the most part when i initiate but she never initiates any of this affection. when she does, it makes me feel so loved and cared for and i feel like i'm at the top of the world. there's nothing better for me, especially when she does it in public. i have asked her repeatedly that i love it and i would like for her to be more affectionate but she has never changed or done anything about it. do you think i'm being needy? i hate to think that maybe she's just bored with me or our relationship. am i out of line continuing to press on this? i really don't want to ruffle any feathers by bringing it up over and over again because otherwise, our relationship is amazing and i'm just so grateful for everything else?
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to the person i was talking with, and potentially others whose depression seem incurable -

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sorry about the disconnect there! i hope you see this - if meds and therapy are not working, try a brain scan of your brain activity. i am no expert, but i am aware of the fact that mental health issues may be potentially caused by some physical damage to your brain. that's all. <3
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hesitant/scared to say sweet things to my s/o

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before the title misleads anyone, i have a healthy loving relationship of nearly 5 years with my s/o, i won't go into too much detail about it as i deem it not necessary. to also make the story easier to understand, i suffer from anxiety and panic attacks on and off and i'm a very sensitive person as it is. i had a rough childhood which has most likely contributed to some of these things carrying into my adult life. so my issue started a few months ago after my partner went through a very busy period in her life, where she would have less time to talk to me and less energy for most forms of intimacy. i'm normally very understanding of such periods, i understand they come and go with life and i don't think about them what so ever, i just go with the flow and let it pass and don't bother her about them too much. but this time for some reason, the lack of response to most of my advances and sweet things i would say would start to get to me, and my anxiety would start to run wild in my mind. i would get thoughts like, "what if she's lost interest in me", "what if i'm bothering her or making her stress worse", "this isn't a good time for this", and i would become desperate for her attention and seek it out in a more obsessive way, bombaring her with compliments and love. after a week of this, she sat me down to talk to me about it, and told me i'm overwhelming her and its very hard for her to respond to the constant stream of affection i'm pushing out and trying to receive. she made clear it's ok to feel needy especially when she's busy and that she understands, but sometimes she just has periods in her life where she feels less affectionate due to outside reasons for example; school, family, or any other reason out of the million very valid ones. when she told me this, i felt like my eyes had been opened and i realized what i had been doing, and felt extremely guilty and upset with myself, despite her telling me that it's alright and she feels better just from telling me about it, knowing i understand her. after the talk, i could visibly see her get better in a matter of days which made me extremely happy. i would give her the space she needs and get the affection i needed whenever she's able to give it, just as i had done every previous time something like this happened. i want to note that she's always made it clear to me that it's ok to upset her and that she's not going anywhere and that nothing bad actually happens when i do upset her. but the guilt i felt for overwhelming her and making her upset stayed with me, and i wasn't sure how to talk about it, as she was still busy for a little bit after the talk. she would of course listen to me whenever she had the energy and time, but sometimes when i would bring it up, she would get upset about it and i felt like i couldn't say what i wanted to say when i needed to. looking back i realize i should've reached out to my family or friends and talked to them about it to release the tension i felt. the whole thing caused me to spiral into a terrible wave of anxiety and overthinking thats lead to me feeling down and less interested in generally everything i've always been interested in and its been ongoing to this day. before all this, i would often think about our future and what i want to do etc, but due to the constant stream of anxiety going through my head, (often times it'd be about nothing in particular, just a black cloud in my head) i would find myself to be mentally exhausted most of the time. i would get thoughts about things like "what if she's lost interest in me/what if she leaves me" or when we would be lovey with eachother during this time, i'd get an intrusive thought telling me "what if you're doing too much or saying the wrong thing". this made it very hard to be lovey wether it came to receiving it or giving it to her. in turn and time, the thoughts would spiral into things like "what if i'm falling out of love, what if this is the end" and i would begin to doubt myself. i know by heart that these thoughts are just that, intrusive negative thoughts, and not reality, and not the way i feel, but it's killing me to have such thoughts interupt any form of intimacy we try to initiate. this all leaves me to the current situation today, i mostly feel better in regards to my anxiety, i still feel tired out from having to go through such a wave, but i feel like i have more good days than bad days now and im getting the hang of managing my anxiety. i also feel lovey and affectionate a little more often, and i'm beginning to get better at receiving it aswell now. but often when i feel like saying something sweet, i get stabbed by a quick thought saying " maybe it isn't a good time, maybe it's too much" and it upsets me, and sometimes deters me from saying what i really wanted to say. this back and forth i go through in my head really gets to me and makes my anxious mind worse. now i'm fully certain that what i'm experiencing is just my anxiety flaring up, and wether i'm in the middle of it, or at the end of it, it's still on going but it will get better as i get treatment and give it time and patience. that being said, i sometimes still get intrusive thoughts about the whole situation, and by the way, they can happen anytime, even while we would be in the middle of pillow talk, saying things like "what if it never gets better", "what if you don't feel lovey not because of being mentally exhausted, but simply because you don't feel love anymore", "what if you're just lying to yourself". although i know these to be untrue, as i could be feeling tremendous love 5 minutes before the thought arises, it still makes my mind flare up. i'm not sure if this whole thing makes sense, i tried to read through it to make sure it's atleast a little sensible. but what i'm here to ask is, how can i convince myself that she's okay and that she infact doens't get bothered by me being sweet to her and giving her love and that i'm not doing too much at all and that when she is bothered or out of energy, it's not about me or my fault? she makes it very clear with how she responds to me, how she acts and with what she tells me but for some odd reason my anxiety tends to still bug me about the same old thing, and it's really bothersome. i just wish to be rid of these thoughts, because literally everything is going perfectly right now, i'm as happy as i could ever hope for with the relationship and her, and from what i can see, it's also vice versa. we've been going super strong for 5 years and have always managed things like these, but i'd really appreciate if anyone would have any sort of insight to how to deal with anxiety so specific as this. tldr: perfect relationship, lovey girlfriend, we communicate well, yet i can't get rid of negative intrusive thoughts.
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whats wrong with me?

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i hate being so ugly that nobody wants or likes me. i’m not the kind of girl guys fall or fawn over…i’m not the trophy girl…far from it. i just hate being told how they have high standards and i don’t fit the bill or that i’m just too ugly for them. it’s not like i can wave a wand and make myself look different although some guys suggested i go under the knife before. i guess i’m just plain jane and i’m the girl you make fun of in the hallway or at lunch because i was so nerdy or you thought i was retarded and called me special…as in special ed! i mean i know i didn’t choose how i wanted to look (god created me) and that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but it hurts when someone shouts out how you’re ugly as fuck and how they feel sorry for the person that ends up with me. how come nobody wants me...what's wrong with me? why am i so flawed?
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is it wrong for me to dread seeing my "close" cousins + extended family everytime? i just don't get on with them well.

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this will seem petty and i don't know if i should feel this way as they haven't necessarily caused me any serious harm and seem generous, but sometimes i feel like their compassion is only done out of family obligation. i think its worth knowing that im a very introverted person and have suffered from depression and social anxiety for many years. but overtime, i've been seeking help here and there and my anxiety is not as severe as it used to be. i do feel confident and can hold my own in social situations now. and i realised that i really like conversing with and have met alot of amazing people/made friends that way. however, whenever it comes to outings with my extended family, it feels like all my experience and confidence just tends to crumble away. i just struggle to maintain any genuine connection with them. my parents and siblings seem to get on with them just fine, so im not exactly sure why this is the case. on the surface, there isn't anything wrong about my group of cousins, they all get along really well with my siblings and each other, they just don't seem to like interacting with me much... i've noticed that over the years my cousins have become more and more distant from me to a point our interactions just become awkward exchanges of polite small talk. sometimes they won't even greet me when i see them. and there will be times where i have to put more effort into talking with them to get them to engage with me more and they will seem more invested in talking to me and we'll have a great time. but then the very next time i see them again, they would treat me as a complete stranger all over again. with my siblings its a polar opposite treatment. they will warmly welcome them. it is exhausting having to see them over and over and make myself step out of my bubble to make any attempt of getting on with them when i can clearly see they are just not interested in talking with me. i just can't be bothered with them anymore. sometimes i feel its better to cut them out of my life so i can focus more on other aspects of my life. i've realised that when im not worrying about them i seem more happy in general. the only problem is that my immediate family perceive this as wrong and that because they are my relatives who have taken care of me, i shouldnt be selfish like this. and we regularly reunite each year for celebratory occasions such as birthdays etc making them unavoidable. not only that, but my group of cousins and siblings always proudly refer to each other as best friends just to emphasise how tight of a relationship they have. but what is the point if i can't be apart of it?
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how do i get them to leave me alone?

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i hate being cyber bullied online and even in person sometimes. i have problems, but sometimes feel as if im the only one struggling and having problems. i just hate the abuse i get and i hate how shitty my life is. i hate how people tell me to go kill myself because nobody fucken cares or wants anything to do with me. i just want them all to leave me alone...let me wallow in my pain, but they dont. things just get worst for me and i dont know what to do. how do i get them to leave me the fuck alone?
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how do i move on?

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what bothering me is well i hate dwelling in the past. i try so hard to move on and get over it, but it seems to be a repeating pattern. how do i move on and leave the past in the past? i had trouble dealing with it because its weird how the lies we tell ourselves to ease our own soul and become so convincing we believe the lies we told to be truthful, but its an endless cycle. why do we do that and how would one cope with the pain and humiliation all over again?
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why is there spam on here?

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whats up with all the bots and spam on here? why is there lagging on talking and helping people?
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how do i make someone fall for me even with a curse?

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i have the worst luck in love. it seems like i had a curse placed on me since i was born...the curse being that nobody would like or want me and if i want or like someone they would only break my heart. the person who placed it on me even told me they did so its not just in my head. i dont know how to break the curse. things just get worst and worst every time i crush or like someone. they just end up breaking my heart saying they think i'm so ugly and how they dont want or like someone like me...like they are prettier like this guy said she's way hotter than you...how could i make someone fall for me even with a curse? its kind of like beauty and the beast except i'm the beast and by the way im not trolling. im dead serious. i dont want to feel pain and humiliation anymore. am i not worthy of love and just pain? nobody seems to be answer my posts so if i get any answers i would appreciate it. thanks in advance.
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had to deal with reality

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today i went to my dad’s funeral and finally saw him in the casket this was definitely not easy for me to prepare for. but i had to just look at him for the last time before the casket closed up even though i did it but it really hurt me and it will hurt me for a while, if i could go back to june 20th or even way before he passed it would’ve been different
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to my abuser….

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i hope this is ok to post here. i don’t have anyone i feel i can talk to and i wanted to get my feelings out. i wrote this but i feel like i need to release/share it to help let go of my pain or at least deal with it better rather than keeping it bottled up. to my abuser….. i wish the world knew who you really were and what you did. i hope you suffered in your last moments on this planet as i continue to suffer every day from what you did to me. i hope those last moments haunt you beyond the grave as you and your actions haunt me. i hope that you were scared as you lay dying, realising that your life was slipping away, just as i have been scared every day since i was 13 years old. scared of you, scared to tell, scared of anyone with even the slightest resemblance to you and scared of people getting too close. you probably don’t even remember me, but i will never ever forget you. no matter how hard i try, i will never forget what you did. i hate you and i hate everything about you. i only wish your murder finally brought me peace. a nation mourned you though they did not know you. but i knew you. i knew who you really were. i know what you did. and i will never forget. and i will most certainly, never forgive.
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tough to understand

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this week has been difficult for me to accept the fact that my dad is no longer with me, it hurts everyday since he recently passed on i find myself feeling empty and broken inside it’s hard for to get up in the morning because i’m always waiting to hear his voice it’s like i have to push to keep busy not to think about it
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expectations

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expectations i'm disappointed you acted like this. i thought we agreed we would be honest. why are you talking to me like this? what is the problem? what is your problem? why are you such a hypocrite? you insult me, call me names, leave me with so little information, and you expect me to still like you? you expect me to think this is okay, for me to forgive you? how do you think any of this is normal, respectful, caring, like you said we should be to each other? i'm violated by your ignorance to our priorities. we talked about this already, so many times, how to handle something like this, how to be honest and respectful to each other. we talked about what is important, i thought you knew what is important... but instead you leave me behind, leave me in a cloud of dust. you excluded me from our connection because of your selfishness, your greediness of yourself, despite telling me what we would do. how can i not be resentful of you? you've lied to me, betrayed our expectations, chosen the path of least resistance for you when i'm trying so hard to be open and emotionally available for you. but you give nothing, because it's too hard for you. you're weak, and you lie to us both when you say you're strong. you can't really handle the pressure, that's why you run away when things get difficult. it's disgusting. you can't even stand in front of me to listen, to respond to what i'm saying with honesty and directness despite asking me of these things so often. you even threatened me, threatened to leave, this is how weak you are. i can't stand you. you're a fake, you lie to yourself, and lie to me because of that. you're a fake, you're weak, i don't want to see you again, i only feel anger towards you. you ruined this, it's your fault. i despise you for hurting me, hurting us, like this. you don't really care, or you would try harder, you would know how awful what you're doing is. i don't want to speak to you again.
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sad and angry

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the last 24 hours has been difficult for me to accept my dad unexpectedly passed on this morning and i just couldn’t not wrap myself around it at all. he had been experiencing chest pains during a few days one minute he was okay the next he wasn’t feeling well took him to emergency room did test results came back good, he was good spirits and then get the phone call that nobody wants to get from the hospital it was the doctors informing us that they had did code blue on him the third time and my family got there he departed, i just couldn’t believe and still can’t believe it, i know that he wouldn’t want me to remember him the way he passed on he would want me to be strong
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health

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does it make sense for a gynecologist doctor to break the woman’s hymen or no
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hypocrite

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you always telling other to keep their clothes on but you are no better neither. you’re a hypocrite if a woman feels comfortable in her own skin wearing outlandish bikinis that’s her choice she has the right to wear whatever she wants but you tell to have some class and respect herself, oh please you do just about the same why is a grown woman putting another grown woman down telling her she can or can’t wear that
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what to expect

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it seems this summer which is coming has me over the edge which is lift restrictions on mask which is a big step along with other things

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