greetings everyone , sorry for the long text.
after 10 years dealing with anxiety and depression,i think i finally reached my limits, i’m 20y now, 21y in 22 days. i had a really bad high school experience, which included bullying, a toxic relationship, bad grades, parents got divorced, depression and suicide attempts. i spent those 4 years in a science course, that wasn’t for me.
almost all my friends went to uni or atleast they are already “ahead”.
i started my high school again, new school, new course (kindergarten and taking care of kids ) and luckily, new friends.
last week i completed 11º grade, 2y so far in this school, made some good friends, my grades are high as well, i feel really welcome here and overall i’m very happy so far with this experience.
still, my depression and anxiety kicked in now and then, i’m being followed by the school’s psychologist. so far she says that i have a big trouble about praising myself, it’s never enough, i see mistakes in everything i do, people congratulate me and my mind goes immediately to “ meh.. could have done better”. my current average is 17,6/20, i used to be a 11,2 student, barely passing. and still, i feel like that’s not good at all.
we got quarentined since 13th march, and that’s when this really bad phase started. classes were the only way i had to forget about my problems, see my friends, spent time with them, tests etc. all those great moments disappeared in less than 24h. now i has home alone ( because my mom words during the day), in complete silence. although, the first 2 weeks were good to recharge my batteries because i was really tired, we had a lot of projects before. online classes started and my days got a little more occupied. aside from school i’m studying “mathematics applied to social science” to take the exam to access uni. i started studying 4 months ago, it was alright, but then we got some really big projects to do at home, so my time to study disappeared. these 3 months of online classes left me exausted, i never felt so tired in my life, i would fall asleep stressed and wake up stressed. i never had classes before about this subject that i’m studying, i’m pretty much teaching myself a 400 pages book in 4 months. i forgot pretty much a good part of what i studied before online classes, and my exam is in 15 days. i still have 60 pages to study, didnt practice any exam exercises yet.
i’m emotionaly numb, i started having breakdowns constantly, i find myself spending more than 4 hours non-stop walking around the house thinking. its hard to eat, i spend more than 24h without eating anything, i need to cry myself to sleep, i feel extremely alone during the day, i just exchange a few messages with my friends during the day, same with my bf, which i’m more confortable to vent but most of the time his replies to my vent texts are “ i dont know what to say”, words aren’t his thing i guess, i already talked with him about this, and i’m getting tired of being always me asking stuff like “can i get some supportive words?”. i write messages to myself sometimes, i’m craving supportive messages that i write to myself just to keep calm for a few minutes…
my psychologist convinced me to talk to a psychiatric las week, i got my prescription and i’m “ready” to start my medication tomorrow.
although, i’m very scared of it, my familly’s constantly saying that they know other people that were on antidepressants and that they looked terrible, worse than before. they say that i could have do this without taking pills, everything’s just in head, i have a house, food, a caring mom and that i have no reason to feel like this because there’s more unfortunate people out there. i’m aware of that of course, but i dont think invalidating my proublems is going to help…
last time i engaged in my hobbies was 4 months ago, thats what keeps me distracted at home, i draw a lot, and also like to write and play some games, but i feel so guilty to do that right now, like i’m just wasting my “precious time”.
i never felt so scared in my life, i had bad cases of depression before and existencial crisis as well. but nothing this bad, i’m okay, 3 secons after i’m on mhy knees crying my eyes out. i might need to quit this exam thing this year, next year i cant take it because there’s a lot to do including internships. my only chance is after graduating hs, then i can have an entire year to concentrate in my studies and enjoy some free time. but then…i will be behind again, i’m going to enter uni with 23,24y and to my familly’s eyes, thats bad.
my childhood friend is the only person who have been helping me everyday, she messages me, and tells me that quitting will not make me weaker, that i need to take care of myself first and whats the point on passing the exam if i will start 12º grade exausted, which can affect my grades and average to enter uni…i just feel so weak, everyone’s still saying “you can do it, i believe in you”, i’m just going to disappoint everybody..i want to pursue psychology, i want to be a psychologist, i want to help people like me, but right now i cant even help myself, starting to have doubts if i have the qualifications for that…
i dont know what to do, should i quit for now? i feel like i’m just using energy that doesnt exist anymore..
thank you for reading this, i’m sorry for the big text.