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not gonna do it

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my ex husband wants me to sign a confidentially agreement which i’m not doing, i don’t see the reason why i should sign an agreement on something that i will discuss on what happened in the marriage not gonna to shut me up about it when i’m only defending myself
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i'm spiraling and i dont know how to help myself

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ive struggles with eating disorders for years now abs have been in and out of treatment centers. ive been out for about 2 years now. however, im not doing better. ive been engaging bulimia behaviors and restricive behaviorsans i cant pull myself out. just yesterday i didnt engage in any of those behsviors and ive felt guilty avoyt it ecer since. idint know how to pull mysrlf out. i have a therapust but i feel that shell be dissapointed to find out what ive been doing. so im asking for or guidence or some sort of advice.
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i’m alive, it’s been awhile guys

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hey, it’s been about 2-3 years since i’ve been on here. i’m alive. thank you to “delightful scarlet jellyfish” and “little silver” for being there for those few posts i had back in 2019 and anyone else. it was nice rereading them and thinking back to how, objectively, i was right to seek help online. so i did end up telling my doctor later that year after my last posts, and it didn’t end up too well. doctor obviously said i was slightly depressed but also said it’s “normal in this pandemic” so they told my dad, and that’s where it went downhill. so my dad got informed and was given a recommendation from doc to enroll me in mental health counseling, but if any of you can scroll back 3 years of posts and reread them, you’ll know that my parents don’t really care or acknowledge mental health. traditional ways and everything. to them, it’s imaginary, and all they need to do is take away my phone and it’ll fix itself. the moment we left the doctors place, he mocked me, the idea of mental health, and said i have nothing. next month after this he tells me “i’ve been monitoring you for a month and i see nothing wrong with you. you’re just crazy”. so yea, mental health isn’t always visible, but it certainly wouldn’t be visible to the ones (plural) who caused it. ski a year later back to the annual check up doc gives my dad the diagnosis that i’m now a “normal kid”, so my dad says to me (mocking btw) “c-c-c-con-gra-tu-la-tions. you normal. good job” so yea that was last year me. this year me has grown a little more confident. a little more like i’m okay in my own skin. ive gotten out of my one year relationship because it wasn’t working out and i feel better, a little bit of regret for not being the best partner, obviously i was reeling back from the effects of my trust being broken and my respect being shattered, so as those effects migrated to the relationship i tended to not talk as much or hug or touch as much and that caused a falling out, but we decided to stay mutual friends so i’m quite happy for that. still an insomniac though and not really looking for a long term relationship, just flirting and maybe some new friends, but im positive that i’ve gained proper character development and what would’ve hurt me like a knife before will only be a scratch now. of course with this development brings consequences. so yea my silent recovery, or recovery in silence, which was essentially me drawing away from relationships caused many of my friends to just not include me in their group anymore, so i don’t really talk with people much these days. if we used to be best friends and buddies, we’re just friends or school mates who do hw together. if we were good friends before, we’re now acquaintances. obviously time away from each other would do that but hey, ‘twas a necessary sacrifice for thou mental stability, and i won’t ever regret it. if i did, it’d be a shame to those who’ve helped me and the effort i put in to keeping myself together. well, it was great catching up with people again, even if i was only on for a month 3 years ago. might make a weekly visit to this site now that i’m more in a position to help and be helped. sound silky rose signing off.
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i need help-

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so when i try to vent it just keeps loading and when i try to listen it loads non stop too. it isnt my wifi so can somebody help me?- (im new so idk how to use this sight sorry)
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tough to understand but have to forgive

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even though we made peace in patching things up you're asking me to forgive you for all the things you've done in the past to me okay fine i forgive you but i will say this i haven't forgotten it
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"one persons talking"

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one person has been talking for months. they must be exhausted.
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should i pursue it?

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the worst part, i think, about falling in love is that you don’t know that you are in love when it happens. at least, not the first time around. you go about your daily life doing things like they are chores. it seems abysmal, however, i don’t think you ever realize how monotonous life truly is without experiencing the color that comes with love. it’s like that movie...what’s it called? the giver, i think. the way the world around him brightened when he truly...truly experienced life, i wanted that. i want that. because now, all i can do is think about him. whatever i am doing or wherever i am going about my daily life, i think about him. and that’s scary. scary to think that i might be the only one feeling this way and that my feelings are unreciprocated. even despite this, i can’t seem to let go of this euphoria of a feeling, knowing what love feels like. i can’t, for the life of me, seem to let this feeling go. and even if i am chasing a hopeless fate, i am glad i got to experience, even if just for a moment, what my life in color feels like. i don’t know if this is what love feels like. this is simply an interpretation, a justification of me trying to make sense of how i am feeling right now. i don’t know whether i should pursue this or just enjoy the moment. i like where we are right now, in our little bubble.
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didnt expect this to happen

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today wasn’t something i had expect to come my boss called me into her office letting me know it was my last day and i’m like okay did i do something wrong she was like no you did nothing wrong. the position title i had at my job was medical records file clerk, one of the employees who they throught wasn’t coming back did come back which i didn’t know anything about and because she was going to medical school because of it, i just felt like my boss should’ve said to me this will be a temp job and it would’ve been fine with me but the i was laid off wasn’t something i didn’t expect
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way out of line

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i was definitely irritated because out of nowhere one of co-worker’s asks me about my age, and i got so worked annoyed and wondering why are you asking me about my age, a part of me wants to brush it off but then another part of me wants to have a private chat with the office manager about it. i’m like this is a place of business certain things you don’t bring up in public like that, my job is driving me over the edge of wanting to resign which i might end up doing if this continues one thing is for sure i don't trust certain people at my job despite having to work with them i can’t trust them always saying stuff behind someone’s back
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boy shit

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well, i’m really depressed at the moment because nobody seems to want or like me and every time i like someone they would reject me and people have made it loud and clear they want nothing to do with me, but i keep replaying old conversations and events wishing the outcome was different. i know i can’t change the past. it’s just hard coming to terms with everything. i want to put it all behind me, but it’s just so hard. i just hate being rejected …one by one...one after another… telling me they never wanted or liked me or ever will have any feelings towards me or worst telling me to go fucking kill myself since nobody wants or likes me....who do i like now so there wouldn’t be any drama since i honest to god i don’t want any madness or chaos and how do i move on from the past and put it all behind me? how do i suppressed feelings and thoughts until they become nothingness? how come nobody wants or likes me? why did god make me so ugly and unlovable that nobody would want or like me? how come nobody cares or would even bother to help me...i'm in tears.
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emotional grief

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under the dog star sail over the reefs of moonshine under the skies of fall north, north west, the stones of faroe under the arctic fire over the seas of silence hauling on frozen ropes for all my days remaining but would north be true? all colors bleed to red asleep on the ocean's bed drifting on empty seas for all my days remaining but would north be true? why should i? why should i cry for you? dark angels follow me over a godless sea mountains of endless falling, for all my days remaining, what would be true? sometimes i see your face, the stars seem to lose their place why must i think of you? why must i? why should i? why should i cry for you? why would you want me to? and what would it mean to say, that, 'i loved you in my fashion'? what would be true? why should i? why should i cry for you? feeling pain of what it feels like to lose a dad
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am i ugly

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am i ugly? all my life i waited for the boy of my dreams to appear, but he seems to have never existed. all the boys i’ve met throughout my life never seemed to be interested in me and are always saying how they never wanted or liked me and thought i was on the short and ugly side. this one guy in particular even said how i was so fugly and butt ugly that i should go kill myself since nobody would ever want or like me. recently, i was asked if i thought i was ugly and i ponder the question for a few minutes. i’ve mention this before on here ask any boy who knows who i am they would point blank tell you that they think i’m ugly, but hearing if i thought i was ugly hit a different note. i know there is a fine line between confident and conceited and one should never cross that line, but god made this way. i never chose to look like this…i am his creation and in his eyes i was perfect to him. so am i ugly? i don’t think so, but that’s just my opinion. we are all beautiful in our own way and we are perfect in god’s eyes and that’s the only thing that should matter. people’s opinion doesn’t matter and what you think of yourself is what truly matters. if you think i am ugly that’s your opinion and you should keep it to yourself. i don’t want to hear it. maybe making fun of me was your way of running from your own problems, but says what you want to say….do what you want to do. i’m going to stand on my ground. that is all i wanted to say. am i ugly? i don’t care. keep your opinon to yourself.
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got more of what i didn't expect to be

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its tough for me to stay this who would've thought that being a medical records file clerk is difficult as any other job you apply for. today was my first day at work and once i got there and everything see all files in order oh jeez it was tough when doing medical records trying to find patient’s files it can be difficult, already thought doctors office would machine that would do the files so you wont have too, i just started and it’s like understanding what my mom dealt but she did it with no problem with i myself on the other hand got a lot to understand im even questioning myself am i even right for this job i can only point the finger at myself for making that decision i’m being trained for it and already i can’t stand this woman who is complete idiot but i got other people helping me out so that’s a good thing for me. my mom told just stick with it for the time being and then after you find something else not sure if i wanna stay with it all i can do is try to stick it out but i feel like i should come up with a plan to transfer to my former doctors office and work there
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right or wrong

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i made the decision not to put my daughter’s father on child support it was something i had told him about and he was a little upset about it but he accept it, because i felt it wasn’t fair for him to have to pay for everything so by me paying for it this gives him freedom to not have to deal with it
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i dont know anymore...

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i feel like my relationship is already a lost cause. i really wanna see my girlfriend in person but there's pandemic and i haven't got my money yet. the latter is the one causing me distress the most. ive stressing over it for almost a month. i couldn't even do the things i wanted to do, cause i'm not just feeling it. ive stopped getting back to reading, working out, and practising coding altogether. i really want us to work, but she's already fed up with me. i have no effort, because i dont visit her quite often. but the reason i dont get visit her, as much as i really want to, is i haven't still got my money yet. i know this reason might seem shallow for you people (that money doesnt matter etc etc) but i really wanna take my girl to lots of date. recently she asked me to put an ultimatum in our relationship to see if we will still work. i said three months and she agreed to it. btw ive been a horrible partner to her in the past but now im changing it to the best of my ability. but sometimes im being overshadowed by the thought of maybe its not worth it at all, what im doing, because after 3 months im sure she'll leave me. (the chat is taking too long to find me a partner so i just decided to post it here)
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bad marriage

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i’m definitely taking matters into my own hands in deciding to move out from my husband. it’s already proven that he’s been cheating on me i discovered a voicemail message on the house phone from a woman saying when is the next time i can come over to the house i love spending time with you,so i lost it as a result of that i’m filing for divorce before he decides to file he doesn’t know what he’s about to lose and that is me your wife for 10 years of marriage
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what makes you happy?

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some days i am really happy but others i crash. why are my mood swings so bad that i feel like cutting because i'm numb. what are something you guys do or your happiest memories?
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offensive

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it’s one thing to help somebody out but to tel them they need to work whatever issues they have is going too far. my stepmom went too far she told my sister that she’s too cute be having so much weight on her and she should lose 20 to 40 pounds, as soon as i heard every single word that came outta her mouth my blood boiling i mean boiling i was heated i’m like how could you say something like that, her excuse was i just trying to help you get confidence in yourself so i immediately step in to defend my sister first of all she knows for herself okay she doesn’t need anybody telling her how to lose weight, to make matters worse she gave my sister waist trainer this made me heated even more. after we finish our family therapy my sister and i got up and immediately left and i told throw that damn waist trainer in the trash
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family issues

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i just had my second child a girl i gave birth too, already there’s tension me and my cousin who i don’t have a relationship with because she’s wanting to fight me for no reason and yet she’s belligerently demanding i bring my daughter over she can see her, i’m like no you can’t at all because you don’t know how to act right i even asked her what i did i do to you nothing at all. she has two kids herself i want her two kids to see my daughter as well but with all this tension going on between me and her it’s definitely creating more and more issues i don’t know what to do at this point
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it is okay to feel lost?

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i feel so alone these days. i'm a senior at hs and i'm so stressed out i don't see the finish line. as a freshman i was depressed to the point i didn't think i would make it here. but now that i am here i don't really know what to do. i don't know how to balance school and personal life. what should i do?

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