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messed up things my exes did

posted by 💡2 Light Checkered Koala on 26 August, 2019

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i just kinda want to write and kinda talk about the things that my exes did. some of it not that bad but i haven't really talked about it and i think i need to to move past that but i cant trust anyone currently in my life. i've only dated a few ppl. like 4 but they've all done stuff to make my insecurities worse or make me feel like shit. my first two girlfriends i had both were with me cause they thought i was trans which when i realized that started to make me feel bad about myself cause i was already questioning but it made me feel like i had to be what they thought i was for them to like me. so since then i've been struggling with how i should be for ppl to like me and want to be with me. then after them i had a bf and there is alot to unpack with him cause he was my longest relationship. at first everything was fine until i got into a bad headspace and was thinking about killing myself so i wanted to have sex before i did it. but then idk i started to get better but like after the first time it was like he wanted to do it all the time and i didnt and when i didnt he would guilt trip me into doing it or convince me and make me want to when i didnt. i dont know if that's considered rape or not. but at the time my self esteem was so low that i ignored all the bad things he did bc i thought no one would love me. he would manipulate me to do whatever he wanted and everything was about him. but god forbid i would bring it up then he would go on about how he spends money on me. i would have liked it if when i went over to his house we could actually have cuddled and watched a movie without him stopping it to have sex everytime then not even finish watching it. i would tell him 100 times no to sex but then i would give in to shut him up. and even sex was about only him. he never cared if i finished until i got sick of just him getting off and i wanted to stop having sex be even then it was still mostly about him. he also made my insecurities worse when i was starting to get better. i struggle with starving myself and during our relationship at one point i was starting to get myself to eat more and this bitch told me i shouldn't eat so much i'm going to get fat. it was a fucking sandwich. i pretended like it didnt affect me but afterward i stopped eating again and he would just say shit like that when i ate and i think part of it was he was pushing his insecurities on me cause he wasnt the skinniest of boys. oh and the best part was when i would get mad at him and need a break from talking or seeing him he would still try to text me bc he thought i had 'enough space' or he would show up to my classes and try to talk to me. then when i actually broke up with him cause i couldnt handle all of that anymore he would literally stalk me at school and show up to my classes. i was actually scared bc of the shit he was doing and again it was all about what he wanted he pretended like he knew what i wanted. i gave him so many chances to change but it wasnt until after he lost that he wanted to change. he would text me all day even when he was at work and then freak out when i didnt text him back in 5 mins. it was just too much. then he creates a new insta to dm me to 'talk' with 'no motive' claiming he changed but he didnt and he got pissed at me for not wanting to talk to him or associate with him even after close to 5 months. he was still trying to guilt trip me but i shut that down and blocked him again. then i asked another girl out after him. we were friends before when i was dating my ex bf and after i broke up with him i realized my feeling for her and asked her out. all was good until i had to move. i was down for trying to make long distance work and there was going to be almost monthly visits but she just shut down and (she is poly- or she claims) would be on calls with her other gf and then lie as to why she didnt respond. also note that she never talked to me about her other gf(this is a kinda long story). anyway she would just stop texting me or be totally uninterested in the conversation cause like i said i was trying to keep the relationship alive be she had just given up and i think she was doing it on purpose so that i would be the one to break up with her and she wouldnt have to do it which i realized after i broke up with her cause she was hurting me the way she was acting and even after multiple times of me expressing how i was feeling to her she made no changes. so story ended i broke up with her and no i have serious trust issues and worse insecurity issues




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Anonymous ● 29 August, 2019 ⚓︎


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wow thank you for writing this out. i bet that felt better to organize it and get it off your chest. i'm sorry you had such a shitty time of it, but i'm glad you did the right thing and ended a toxic relationship

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Anonymous ● 04 September, 2019 ⚓︎


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yeah it really did help to write everything out cause i haven't been able to talk to anyone about that stuff. and now i feel better that i'm out of those relationships

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Anonymous ● 29 August, 2019 ⚓︎


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guilting and manipulating you is abuse. regarding sex, even more so. i'm sorry he was being so selfish and took it out on you. the idea that you "gave in" is terrible and should never, ever happen to someone. definitely seek help if you're still struggling with these emotions and identity issues. talking to people (and writing like you just did) is probably one of the best ways to cope. <3 i hope you feel better. come back any time.

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Anonymous ● 29 August, 2019 ⚓︎


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you did the right thing, he was and still appears to be abusive. how are you feeling now?

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💡2 Light Checkered Koala ● 04 September, 2019 ⚓︎


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thanks and i'm getting better you know. i'm still working on myself and figuring things out

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Anonymous ● 29 August, 2019 ⚓︎


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oh my lord, navigating this modern landscape of dating and sexuality and identification is so confusing and stressful! i don't blame you for striking out. from what i can see, the key takeaway from your experience is that it doesn't matter what people think you are, you just have to do your own thing.

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💡2 Light Checkered Koala ● 04 September, 2019 ⚓︎


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yea i get that and i do my own thing but sometimes i just think if i was a different way then people would like me better and i'm trying to get out of the mindset

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Anonymous ● 06 September, 2019 ⚓︎


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it's great you're cognizant of that!