posted by 💡15 Quirky Orchid Gazelle on 15 August, 2020
hi there, i hope today has been kind to you & that a lot of sweetness will come your way! ♡ & i wanted to share here, since i feel safer anonymously, and since i am home a lot more often now due to quarantine, i noted how exhausted i am at home, and thought it may be linked to some things i feel at home lately: i was wondering, what are some ways to cope with these actions from my parents & are these types of abuse/an abusive household? thank you kindly, my mother: • constant invalidation/ a lack of emotional support. (decides how i feel, judging, denying, minimizing, trivialization, and/or nonverbally invalidating my emotions to the point i feel it is pointless to share them.) - an unspoken rule at home is that i am not allowed to cry, as in the past i have been treated as i am inexistent, that i have no right to do so, and/or for emotional/physical force when doing so. - i feel that i am not allowed to express my emotions freely or grieve, though when she is sad, if i don’t comfort her, things are worse for me and my dad. • i do not feel i can safely come out to her or my dad about my pronouns/gender or sexual/romantic orientation. • she tells me what to wear and how to wear my hair or clothes. - she insults me or calls me dusty/says don’t wear that, doesn’t like for me to leave the apartment without her “fixing me” and will be visibly upset and tell me to come to her, so she can “fix me” before leaving. • from time to time, she makes me feel guilty (or guilt-trips) me for expressing affection more warmly to leo (our furry family member) instead of her. • she wants me to be dependent on her & stay with her forever, to the point where i was simply boiling tea and told me to not do that, i will get burned, and that she wants me to stay with her always and have her do everything for me. my father: • constant invalidation/ a lack of emotional support. (decides how i feel, judging, denying, minimizing, trivialization, and/or nonverbally invalidating my emotions to the point i feel it is pointless to share them.) - an unspoken rule at home is that i am not allowed to cry, as in the past i have been treated as i am inexistent, that i have no right to do so, and/or for emotional/physical force when doing so; he has mocked and put his hands on me for crying before (especially because it was due to him yelling so much i could not take it). - i feel that i am not allowed to express my emotions freely or grieve, though when he is sad or angry, if i don’t comfort him, things are worse for me and my mom. my mother & father's relationship: • they call each other names, puts each other down constantly, criticize each other, always blame each other, there is no compromise. • they yell & screaming at each other; my father isolates my mother from everyone she could consider support, especially family and friends. • he makes her feel like she can’t do anything right, and has a near-decade age gap. - with this power imbalance, she is completely dependent on him, and he forbids to help her get disability/education/pursue citizenship status. - i have to help her (or she guilt trips) and says i am the only one who can help her. - he controls her finances, when she leaves the house, has not taught her or me to drive, so we rely on him, and she cooks/cleans/does almost everything for him without much or any gratitude, thankfulness, and he jokes that she abuses him. i am an adult, though as i work and go to college, i do not make enough to live on my own currently. (due to an action i found out my dad has been taking that could lead to dire consequences, i am currently unable to continue financial aid until i am reapproved/verified, although i qualify as we are low-income/poor.) my brothers have sexually abused me, so i cannot live with them, and i do not have friends yet that i can live with. i also have a number of other mental illnesses, which all contribute to the difficulties of living alone and making enough. as a family, we have relied on welfare/governmental aid/assisted housing our whole lives, and my mother does not work due to disability, plus my father is semi-retired/on unemployment, so my father and i are the only sources of income. regardlessly, i do my best to use healthy coping skills, save up the money that i can, and try to be kind to my parents/brothers when i have to interact with them. tl;dr: i was wondering, what are some ways to cope with these actions from my parents & are these actions that are bulleted/noted from my mother/father/their relationship types of abuse/an abusive household? (i am trying to cope the best i can despite how i feel it is mentally exhausting to live here.) & thank you for your time, i appreciate it & hope things are kind to you! ♡
hi, first all of all, i appreciate your bravery and strong will to overcome this situation and seek out help. *hug*. this is such a traumatic experience for anyone to experience, let alone cope with this as a norm. i think its best you keep to yourself, avoiding as much as interaction as possible from your parents, as is seems they act as triggers for you. try to plan your future and actively work towards it, as it may help you when you are feeling down or hopeless. maybe put it in your room where you may see, or if there is no privacy make it your screen saver on phone. if your mother is willing to separate for the time being, maybe you both can work towards leaving the house ( after that issue that prevents you from earning more is resolved). take time everyday to reset your mind in the morning or night so your are focused on the future, if you are feeling low, don't give yourself more than 2 or 3 days to feel so. its important to understand that though your life is restricted by your parents, and you are unable to express your emotions and thoughts, this is not permanent :') please do things you enjoy, or indulge in activities that give joy, so you have something else to give joy. i may not have given any useful information, but you have my heartfelt prayer that the situation you are in will change for the better. if you wish to have a penpal or someone to talk to, please do so.