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trying to cope with types of abuse at home? (tw: text-heavy, parental/relationship abuse)

posted by 💡15 Quirky Orchid Gazelle on 15 August, 2020

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hi there, i hope today has been kind to you & that a lot of sweetness will come your way! ♡ & i wanted to share here, since i feel safer anonymously, and since i am home a lot more often now due to quarantine, i noted how exhausted i am at home, and thought it may be linked to some things i feel at home lately: i was wondering, what are some ways to cope with these actions from my parents & are these types of abuse/an abusive household? thank you kindly, my mother: • constant invalidation/ a lack of emotional support. (decides how i feel, judging, denying, minimizing, trivialization, and/or nonverbally invalidating my emotions to the point i feel it is pointless to share them.) - an unspoken rule at home is that i am not allowed to cry, as in the past i have been treated as i am inexistent, that i have no right to do so, and/or for emotional/physical force when doing so. - i feel that i am not allowed to express my emotions freely or grieve, though when she is sad, if i don’t comfort her, things are worse for me and my dad. • i do not feel i can safely come out to her or my dad about my pronouns/gender or sexual/romantic orientation. • she tells me what to wear and how to wear my hair or clothes. - she insults me or calls me dusty/says don’t wear that, doesn’t like for me to leave the apartment without her “fixing me” and will be visibly upset and tell me to come to her, so she can “fix me” before leaving. • from time to time, she makes me feel guilty (or guilt-trips) me for expressing affection more warmly to leo (our furry family member) instead of her. • she wants me to be dependent on her & stay with her forever, to the point where i was simply boiling tea and told me to not do that, i will get burned, and that she wants me to stay with her always and have her do everything for me. my father: • constant invalidation/ a lack of emotional support. (decides how i feel, judging, denying, minimizing, trivialization, and/or nonverbally invalidating my emotions to the point i feel it is pointless to share them.) - an unspoken rule at home is that i am not allowed to cry, as in the past i have been treated as i am inexistent, that i have no right to do so, and/or for emotional/physical force when doing so; he has mocked and put his hands on me for crying before (especially because it was due to him yelling so much i could not take it). - i feel that i am not allowed to express my emotions freely or grieve, though when he is sad or angry, if i don’t comfort him, things are worse for me and my mom. my mother & father's relationship: • they call each other names, puts each other down constantly, criticize each other, always blame each other, there is no compromise. • they yell & screaming at each other; my father isolates my mother from everyone she could consider support, especially family and friends. • he makes her feel like she can’t do anything right, and has a near-decade age gap. - with this power imbalance, she is completely dependent on him, and he forbids to help her get disability/education/pursue citizenship status. - i have to help her (or she guilt trips) and says i am the only one who can help her. - he controls her finances, when she leaves the house, has not taught her or me to drive, so we rely on him, and she cooks/cleans/does almost everything for him without much or any gratitude, thankfulness, and he jokes that she abuses him. i am an adult, though as i work and go to college, i do not make enough to live on my own currently. (due to an action i found out my dad has been taking that could lead to dire consequences, i am currently unable to continue financial aid until i am reapproved/verified, although i qualify as we are low-income/poor.) my brothers have sexually abused me, so i cannot live with them, and i do not have friends yet that i can live with. i also have a number of other mental illnesses, which all contribute to the difficulties of living alone and making enough. as a family, we have relied on welfare/governmental aid/assisted housing our whole lives, and my mother does not work due to disability, plus my father is semi-retired/on unemployment, so my father and i are the only sources of income. regardlessly, i do my best to use healthy coping skills, save up the money that i can, and try to be kind to my parents/brothers when i have to interact with them. tl;dr: i was wondering, what are some ways to cope with these actions from my parents & are these actions that are bulleted/noted from my mother/father/their relationship types of abuse/an abusive household? (i am trying to cope the best i can despite how i feel it is mentally exhausting to live here.) & thank you for your time, i appreciate it & hope things are kind to you! ♡

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💡11 Encouraging Sienna Toucan ● 16 August, 2020 ⚓︎


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i think these definitely sound to me like abusive actions. it sounds like your family life has not been happy for a long time; this kind of guilt-tripping, controlling behaviour, and lack of emotional support is really pretty bad. the one thing i would say is that you seem a really nice person - wishing us all a lovely day despite the fact that you mustn't be feeling all that great yourself - so i think it's great that you are trying so hard not to let it get to you. but regardless it must be very tough. i think if i were in your position i would be a bit firm and make it very clear to them how i'm feeling. so when your parents try to be controlling and coercive, tell them politely but firmly that you're an adult, you control your life not them, and you are allowed to make your own choices. i expect they will be angry, but it sounds to me like your parents have got into the habit of depending on you for a lot of things (financially etc.) so it will probably turn out that they need you and will back down if you set some clear boundaries. it might not be nice at first but i think you really do need to make a change as they way they are treating you is not acceptable tbh. if things do carry on like this the worst-case scenario is that if it gets any worse i would consider leaving home. i know you don't feel financially very secure at the moment, but there are ways to get in contact with the government and other organisations about financial help for people escaping from an abusive household. it may not be at that stage yet, but if their behaviour is really affecting you and you can't see any end to it, it might be worth considering. i hope things get better for you. happy to talk more about it if you like :)

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💡15 Quirky Orchid Gazelle ● 26 August, 2020 ⚓︎


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thank you so much for taking your time to read this all, comment, share your empathy & care with me, it means a lot to me, ♡ & thank you for your hope, kindness & acknowledgment, that is special to me, and thank you for your insight & feedback, i have tried to be a bit more open with my emotions, sometimes it works & sometimes it doesn't, though i'm glad to say that i've been trying more than i have previously & tried to express my boundaries, right now, i'm just trying to see my options & see how it is to live here day-by-day, though, thank you for reminding me of ways for other financial help, for me, it's personally tougher to identify abuse/abusive actions in-home because it was normalized to me growing up by many others, even recently; so, my point is, i just want to thank you for choosing to be kind and caring despite everything you've gone through in this world too... ♡ i sincerely hope things get better for you too, however things may be for you & i appreciate your kind offer & you, ; w ;