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i reached my limits..

posted by 💡4 Rare Velvety Dog on 29 June, 2020

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greetings everyone , sorry for the long text. after 10 years dealing with anxiety and depression,i think i finally reached my limits, i’m 20y now, 21y in 22 days. i had a really bad high school experience, which included bullying, a toxic relationship, bad grades, parents got divorced, depression and suicide attempts. i spent those 4 years in a science course, that wasn’t for me. almost all my friends went to uni or atleast they are already “ahead”. i started my high school again, new school, new course (kindergarten and taking care of kids ) and luckily, new friends. last week i completed 11º grade, 2y so far in this school, made some good friends, my grades are high as well, i feel really welcome here and overall i’m very happy so far with this experience. still, my depression and anxiety kicked in now and then, i’m being followed by the school’s psychologist. so far she says that i have a big trouble about praising myself, it’s never enough, i see mistakes in everything i do, people congratulate me and my mind goes immediately to “ meh.. could have done better”. my current average is 17,6/20, i used to be a 11,2 student, barely passing. and still, i feel like that’s not good at all. we got quarentined since 13th march, and that’s when this really bad phase started. classes were the only way i had to forget about my problems, see my friends, spent time with them, tests etc. all those great moments disappeared in less than 24h. now i has home alone ( because my mom words during the day), in complete silence. although, the first 2 weeks were good to recharge my batteries because i was really tired, we had a lot of projects before. online classes started and my days got a little more occupied. aside from school i’m studying “mathematics applied to social science” to take the exam to access uni. i started studying 4 months ago, it was alright, but then we got some really big projects to do at home, so my time to study disappeared. these 3 months of online classes left me exausted, i never felt so tired in my life, i would fall asleep stressed and wake up stressed. i never had classes before about this subject that i’m studying, i’m pretty much teaching myself a 400 pages book in 4 months. i forgot pretty much a good part of what i studied before online classes, and my exam is in 15 days. i still have 60 pages to study, didnt practice any exam exercises yet. i’m emotionaly numb, i started having breakdowns constantly, i find myself spending more than 4 hours non-stop walking around the house thinking. its hard to eat, i spend more than 24h without eating anything, i need to cry myself to sleep, i feel extremely alone during the day, i just exchange a few messages with my friends during the day, same with my bf, which i’m more confortable to vent but most of the time his replies to my vent texts are “ i dont know what to say”, words aren’t his thing i guess, i already talked with him about this, and i’m getting tired of being always me asking stuff like “can i get some supportive words?”. i write messages to myself sometimes, i’m craving supportive messages that i write to myself just to keep calm for a few minutes… my psychologist convinced me to talk to a psychiatric las week, i got my prescription and i’m “ready” to start my medication tomorrow. although, i’m very scared of it, my familly’s constantly saying that they know other people that were on antidepressants and that they looked terrible, worse than before. they say that i could have do this without taking pills, everything’s just in head, i have a house, food, a caring mom and that i have no reason to feel like this because there’s more unfortunate people out there. i’m aware of that of course, but i dont think invalidating my proublems is going to help… last time i engaged in my hobbies was 4 months ago, thats what keeps me distracted at home, i draw a lot, and also like to write and play some games, but i feel so guilty to do that right now, like i’m just wasting my “precious time”. i never felt so scared in my life, i had bad cases of depression before and existencial crisis as well. but nothing this bad, i’m okay, 3 secons after i’m on mhy knees crying my eyes out. i might need to quit this exam thing this year, next year i cant take it because there’s a lot to do including internships. my only chance is after graduating hs, then i can have an entire year to concentrate in my studies and enjoy some free time. but then…i will be behind again, i’m going to enter uni with 23,24y and to my familly’s eyes, thats bad. my childhood friend is the only person who have been helping me everyday, she messages me, and tells me that quitting will not make me weaker, that i need to take care of myself first and whats the point on passing the exam if i will start 12º grade exausted, which can affect my grades and average to enter uni…i just feel so weak, everyone’s still saying “you can do it, i believe in you”, i’m just going to disappoint everybody..i want to pursue psychology, i want to be a psychologist, i want to help people like me, but right now i cant even help myself, starting to have doubts if i have the qualifications for that… i dont know what to do, should i quit for now? i feel like i’m just using energy that doesnt exist anymore.. thank you for reading this, i’m sorry for the big text.

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💡2 Incredibly Floral Aloe ● 30 June, 2020 ⚓︎

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wow, i just wanted to say you are not the only one who feels exhausted during quarantine. i feel the exact same way. during the first few days actually, i was ecstatic to suddenly have some time to rest, to recharge, and then like you said, big projects started rolling in. i'm in high school currently, but i take a couple of collegiate classes at harvard. i took them because i felt like quarantine was going to be a stress free time, and thought i was going to be at harvard with actual teachers to learn. but instead of studying mathematics, i'm studying programming, data science, and biology all by myself and have to read like 400 pages a day of dense textbook information, similar to you. and yes, i totally understand, it is so exhausting. i also feel like time is so precious, so i decided to cut off all video games, attend study zoom meetings during lunch, and only use my precious time to sleep, exercise, and study. eating has even become a hassle, with the increase of stress i also lost appetite. i totally understand you, but i just wanted to say, self-care is extremely important. school isn't your number one priority, you can't keep pouring water from an empty glass. being tired and exhausted is equivalent to an empty glass, you need to refill it before pouring more out of it. this is where self-care comes from, take a moment in life to just observe your surroundings, a single moment in time, observe the air, observe the trees, listen for the sounds of birds, people chattering. then take a moment to think about your goals, is this really how you want your life to be, if not, think about systems or habits you can perform or implement to make your life better. there is a whole science behind this, so it isn't something you can learn in a day. but caring for yourself is so, so important. and to answer your question, "should i quit for now?". i'm not sure what "for now" means, but my answer is a definite no if you're referring to self-harm. but if you are referring to self care, tell your parents, tell your psychologist, tell your online instructors that you need a break. but please continue trying, i believe you are an amazing person, with so much courage, and you've come so far. i really have hope in you, and i completely empathize and understand you. and lastly, good luck, you'll be really successful one day as long as you try!

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💡4 Rare Velvety Dog ● 02 July, 2020 ⚓︎

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heya, first of all, thank you for the kind words. when i said “should i quit for now?” i was referring to this year’s exam, sorry i wasn’t very clear! i started my medication on monday, so far it’s not terrible but there’s a constant headache and dizziness, and the little appetite that i had is completely gone, sleeping schedule is also a mess at the moment, which makes studying and concentration really difficult. in 3 days i studied like 7 pages out of 50. the friend i mentioned has told me to ignore what my family is saying, that going to uni a little later than normal is not a sign of weakness or being less qualified. "there are many chances to go to uni, but you only have one to live," she said. i haven't given up yet, but i'm constantly being pressured with "giving your best is not enough, you have to pass with a decent grade". i am not even positive that i will pass, let alone pass with a decent grade. they're putting me on a pedestral and i'm sick of being compared to numbers and other people that achieved way more than me with my age, i'm tired of hearing "your problem is having too much free time, that's why you create problems where they don't exist" or "today's youth don't know what it really is to suffer " my psychologist knows what’s happening, she was the one telling me to search for a psychiatrist. my classes are over, everyone’s one summer break except for me, we are in a professional school, so we dont take exams, but i want to go to uni, thats why i’m taking one of them this year and the other one next year. quitting for now doesn’t mean i will quit my dream of becoming a psychologist, thats my life goal. i will fight hard to reach it but for now, i think i just need a long break to recharge..if i dont pass this exam, we have a second chance in 7th september, and school starts in 17th of september, so basically i will spend my whole summer break studying? next year will be the hardest one, we have a 5 month intership and really big projects before that, i dont want to start that year completely exausted and out of myself, and mess up the results of my previous years.. i’m so confused and i dont know what would be the right decison… i wish you the best of luck in your goals, you seem like a wonderful and hardworking person, you will achieve great things, have a nice day!