posted by 💡1 Constantly Blue Apple on 11 November, 2019
the talker option didn't really give that much help when i tried it, so might as well give this a shot. i'm sorry if i end up writing up a bunch of rambles that lead to nowhere but it's 1 am here and i'm tired so please bear with me. for the last few months ever since summer break i've suddenly started having violent tendencies and in general got more agressive as a person. i don't get how or why it started since i'm usually a very passive person and try to keep myself out of argument or fights. at first it started small, just the urge to lash out and blatantly tell the other person to fuck themselves or even shout at them if they did something even a little irritating like make a stupid joke, but then it got slowly worse with me starting to loose patience and passively agressively urging to person to continue on with what they were going to say if they yawn in the middle of the sentence or get stuck trying to remember what they wanted to say, all the while barely holding myself from trying to beat them fiercely with either my fists or whatever blunt object i could find in our area. i'd have little fantasies okay through my head in that instant and i even feel the ghost of my hand actually doing it which scares the fuck out of me since i realize that i was actually close to doing it. it doesn't really matter to who i'm talking to, it could be my friends, classmates, random people i don't know, my parents. pretty much everyone gets me to this state. i haven't gone through with severely hurting anyone yet in my life. i somewhat manage to hold it back but i've taken a few swings at my friend's when we were going out drinking and they were intoxicated while i was sober as it just relaxed me and i knew they probably wouldn't mind since they'd think i'm drunk aswell. but due to us not really going out like that often i sometimes have the urges pop back up out of no where when i get home and i take it out on my dogs by kicking them and holding them down while i punch them a few times in the guy or face. i feel extremely shitty about it after and even hold them and try to comfort them but in the moment it's just so refreshing. the only things that manage to calm me down are either completely isolation or music. it just brings peace to my mind but if i stay isolated for too long i start feeling like a lonely piece of shit and think about how much of a failure i am. i haven't told this to a single soul because i'm scared of judgement, because i know they'll think i'm some sort of psychopath in the making. i really don't know why these tendencies started just recently going through my head but they progressively get worse and worse to the point i'm subconsciously thinking about doing these hideous things when i walk sometimes and realize it after a minute or two. i know to some these things may seem like not that big of a deal but it's really messing with me and don't know what to do at this point.
the chemicals in your brain are changing because you are cognitively aware your actions are wrong. yet in the moment you find joy in the violence which means you are chemically different during an episode. go to the emergency room and explain you have these violent fantasies. i dont think this will go away until you get a good medication regimen. it sounds like the onset of schizophrenia which occurs most often in young adults. please get help and dont give up until you get that help because if the tendencies get stronger you may not be able to hold it back. no matter how strong a wall is it will fall if the pressure increases. you need meds to strengthen the wall. exercise, a punching bag, pillow, couch or anything is better than the living breathing animals. so find another way. you can do it and they deserve it.