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i have a voice but i can't talk. i don't know why

posted by 💡1 Magical Blue Fish on 19 April, 2019

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i can't talk to people without freezing up and becoming a strutting mess even though i don't have a stutter. i even have the same problem with online chatting. i have a hard time putting my mind together when talking to someone so conversations with me are just awkward. though it's a little better when written down it takes me forever to put it down and check it over and over again until i feel it's right and even than i still hesitate to send it. my heart starts hammering away in my chest, i get cold, i feel short of breath, i start to get teary eyed. if i mess up in any way while talking to someone, whether or not it's a small not noticeable thing or not even my fault i feel like it is my fault. which leads to me just shutting myself in and berating myself. i've tried talking to someone before. different people 3 times. but it never lasts long, less than five visits and nothing gets done no matter how nice they are because of how i am when it comes to talking about anything personal related to me and i always feel like i'm taking a space for someone else who truly needs it way more than me. (though the last therapist i talk to prescribed me some sort of medicine though i don't remember what it was. ) even if it's about my day i still feel as though i'm saying something stupid and should shut up before i drive a person away. the only time i can make myself do something i would be to frighten to do is if i needed to help someone or if i'm irritated/ angry. (ex: if my friend needs something and is too afraid themselves to get it or if an innocent person is being picked on.) however, if i'm being picked on it has to go too far before i stand up for my self. ( going from embarrassed of the situation to angry) i'm sorry that this is so long. i just don't know what's wrong with me. i've talked about anxiety and other things with my mother but i've never been diagnosed with anything. i just want it to stop so that i can do the things i want to do with my life without having to prepare a speech before hand.

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👍13 💡3310 Big Boy Ben ● 21 April, 2019 ⚓︎

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