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knowing things i shouldnt be.

posted by Anonymous on 20 February, 2019

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i came to know that my mums having an affair,i saw nudes on her phone and pictures of mans private part,i didnt see it intentionally as in spying or anything. it just keeps bothering me.hes her boss and he came to our city today,i read some messages which said meting u was so intense ,i hope nobody noticed etc etc. i dont know if it should bother me,as its her life whatever she wants to do,but i feel betrayed? i'm not even close to her.shes in office most of the time,and the other time when shes at home,we dont talk more than a few sentences.i'm used to being alone by now. just this year,my grades started going down ,and i got depressed and all ,they just thought that i was making excuses for not studying.i have written many suicide notes till this day.i write it ,knowing that i wont be able to do it,but i still write it.in the end,i dont do anything.my father somehow found one of these letters and it gave me such a bad feeling.i just wanted to disappear.my father is always worried about things.and i felt so bad tht he read all that,i know he just got more stressed.he was already stressed out because my grades were going down.its not like i' close to him either.he makes me feel worse about myself.he tells to his friends in front of me,that how hes worried tht i'm so bad,or how he worries what will happen to me when i grow up,cause i'm such an introvert. i cant even talk to someone about this,cause i hv no idea how.all my life,i hv never been that close to anyone,and never have i talked about my emotions,so i hv problems talking about my emotions,i myself have no idea about what i feel. and now,i hv got anxiety ,which is just wow. just 6 months back,i was emotionally closed,i felt no fear of exams,i was just a blank person,i was neither excited nor nervous about giving exams or doing anything like that.but now all of a sudden,this school has changed me alot.i get all nauseous and anxious before the exams and am unable to study.i hv brought this all upon myself.i solely am responsible for this.knowing this,yet ,i choose to blame my parents.i just feel alone.

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Anonymous ● 25 February, 2019 ⚓︎

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hey i appreciate your concern. but i dont have anyone to share these things with.i feel that my friends are kinda a bit immature to understand this.they think that i have the perfect life.they dont know that i get anxious and all,all i do is smile in front of them.it all comes out when i'm alone.they feel that i have good understnding of people,i hv kind and loving parents,all the necessary things needed, and i'm always happy. i think i'd like to keep it that way with them. and they are close to their parents,share everything with them.i dont want their parents to know about this and judge my parents. other than that,i dont hv anyone to talk to.so yeah,i just hv to keep this to myself. i'm glad that someones read this.