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i fail myself again and again

posted by Anonymous on 12 February, 2020

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im 28 now and throughout my life i keep living in such a mindless way, get stuck in ruts or have anxiety, fatigue and struggle to keep up. i have yet to finish a degree and earn a salary or support myself. i am just being lazy and entitled and avoiding my responsibilities . i eat unhealthily, cannot stick to a diet, lay about and avoid doing the last of my uni work which will help me graduate. i have not put in any effort for months . it is unbelievable . feb jan dec nov oct sep aug july all these months that i had to do it and i have left myself with less than 4 weeks to write the whole thing. i am not living to create a good future for myself . i am wasting away and ruining my prospects . my daily habits are shameful , what am i doing with my time . why am i wasting my life. im 28 and my life has passed me by , the best years . im making myself ugly and ruining what i have . how could i do this? do i want to see myself fail ? do i want to feel ashamed to all my family and friends. why am i not acknowledging the consequences of my actions . i have been here time and time . dumb avoidant lazy , hopeless

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👍1 💡7 💎1 Friendly Striped Swan ● 14 February, 2020 ⚓︎

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i want you to notice the type of language you're using with yourself, my friend: shame, dumb, lazy, hopeless, fatigued, ruined, ugly... are these in line with what you want to feel? try replacing them with the opposites: proud, intelligent, productive, hopeful, energized, empowered, beautiful.. the more you recite these, the more you will notice moments where you are these things. please, get up right now, look yourself in the mirror, and perhaps for the first time in a long time, tell yourself that you are a miracle. don't believe me? what is not there to believe? you are a miracle! to be a human being is to be a miracle, isn't it? have you recently paid attention to all the stuff happening within you? how your heart continues to beat without your conscious will, how your blood continues to flow carrying nutrients everywhere, how your kidneys filter out the filth... if this is not a miracle, then what is? and somehow, all of this activity gives rise to a consciousness that permits calling itself 'ugly, shameful, hopeless and lazy'. you are stuck in your habits. habits are patterns that repeat, and are triggered by environmental cues. habits are neither good nor bad; they're just phenomena that lead to other phenomena, in a chain of cause and effect. some habits have effects that get you closer to what you want, others have effects that take you farther. what we did in our past has left an effect in our present, isn't it? if you are lazy, maybe that's a consequence of how you have acted in the past. maybe it started a few years ago, when you were faced with an important task, and you responded with procrastination. and maybe you got away with it. but the consequence of that was that you developed a pattern that still lives on in you. and now it has come to a point where this pattern could lead you to situations with higher consequences (i.e. you not graduating). please, sit up now, and look around you. have you set up your environment in a way that supports you to accomplish your goals? you say you have 4 weeks to come up with deliverables that will help you graduate; how much work is needed to come up with those deliverables? work your way back from there. plan the next 4 weeks to the minute. account for every moment. forget everything else, this is the priority; as you yourself have recognized, graduating is your highest priority now because it has a direct impact on your survival; when your survival is challenged, nothing else matters, you must answer whatever is standing in your way. so temporarily put aside your friends and your nightlife and your addictions - there will be time for that. this is the time for fervent action. as for feeling 'ugly and dumb', become aware that these are unproductive thoughts that are obstacles to your growth. i encourage you to find an activity like meditation that builds your ability to focus, and become resilient to distracting thoughts. it'll take time, but all good things are worth the wait. you're 28 years young, my friend. who know how many more moments you have left. the question is, now that you've realized your actions have been unproductive, how will you choose to spend the next moment?

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Anonymous ● 14 February, 2020 ⚓︎

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thank you for your impactful words; like words from the dad i never had chance to gain encouragement from. im really glad that you replied