posted by 💡10 Sound Silky Rose on 20 October, 2019
hey, i’m here again. 10/20/19 haven’t done this in awhile, but just got yelled at by my dad for saying my parents waste $100 a year for signing me up for viet class when i learn better on my own. he proceeded to tell me how much food could be bought with $100 and how they pay for my schooling because i can’t learn. that really hurt you know? i spent 30 minutes crying to sad songs in my room after 10:30am because of you. mellowtalk is a website i went on one month ago to help me with this depression, and i actually got better, but it doesn’t help when you push me down right after i get better. it doesn’t feel nice when you tell me i’m worthless or i can’t learn and because i can’t, you enroll me in viet class. you said i couldn’t understand vietnamese because i keep talking back even after mom said to stop talking back. but you don’t know why i talk back. your reasons for why i’m talking back is because i’m selfish and don’t understand you paid so much money to raise me. why do i have to learn things i don’t want to? why should i have to live a life i don’t want to even live? answer me these questions. please. i’ve asked myself why i put up with this bullshit every day, but i tell myself that when i grow up, i’ll look back on this day and properly say to myself, “look what i’ve been through. i was born in hell and made it out alive on my own. i conquered this obstacle and i can do it again.” but with every passing day, suicide thoughts continue to fill my head. i even have painkillers in my room in case i decide to go through with the act. i exercized because my parents forced me to, then you called me fat. i went to school because you forced me to, then you called me stupid. i pushed aside my homework time and did all my chores in the house for you just for you to complain i don’t study or finish my work in time because i’m lazy. i have depression because of you. i want to kill myself everyday. i cry and cry till my eyes are swollen. i want to yell and scream till my lungs don’t work. i want to live a life that won’t make me want lose it. since i don’t have anyone irl to tell this about and my doctors appointment is months away before i can tell them i have problems, this is me ranting. i’m not even sure i want to tell my doctor at this point. they might tell my parents my problems, and then my parents will get mad at me. that’s anxiety you know? apparently kids with anxiety like me these days have the same amount of anxiety levels as patients in mental asylums in the 1950s. monday through friday is school like normal students, but friday is cleaning day at home, and saturday is too. then sunday rolls around and i’m forced to go to a language class about my own culture that i now hate because of my parents. both the culture and the day of the class. then it’s back to school. honestly, it’s only two hours in the language class, but i’d rather go to regular school for 5 days a week than that class. its not like i don’t like learning or the class itself, its that my parents force me to. why should i be forced to learn what i don’t want to learn? i shouldn’t. sure, learning more about my native culture and language is good in the long run, but if i don’t like it, it is a waste of $100 a year to sign me up for that class, yet i explained this to my parents and they yelled at me for it. i’m sure every kid says their parents are the worst, but physical violence doesn’t even come close to mental violence. my parents don’t hurt me physically anymore, but their words cut like knives that go so deep that even iron won’t stop it. i think i’d rather be hurt physically than mentally by my parents now. i wish they would, but they stopped when i entered middle school. after that was wave on wave on wave of mental abuse. is it illegal for parents mentally abuse their children? i don’t know, but i wish they couldn’t.
welcome back! even if the situation itself isn't positive, it's good to hear from you once again. and it's good to know you actually got better after our last talk. i'm gonna have to start by saying you're really brave to write all of this. remember you'll always have a safe place in here, no matter what, but, unfortunately, we're only capable of listening and replying. the last time, i told you to find an adult of trust to expose all of this (a doctor, a teacher, your school counselor, etc.) and i stand by my opinion. it's important you find someone who is able to help you irl and no doctor in their right mind will tell your parents what you confided him. you'd have to feel comfortable to tell all of this to someone, but it would be better if you did. once you get it out of your chest, someone will be able to help you. the situation you described is, indeed, mental abuse. in my country, that is a crime, which means there are legal procedures to help the child and to solve the situation. as i don't know where you're from, i cannot speak about your legal system. however, finding an adult of trust also means you're getting help from someone who is informed and capable of dealing with your case in the best way possible. don't let your fear stop you from getting the help you need. it may feel frightening at first, but it's a small step towards a better life. i really like your mindset: "look what i’ve been through. i was born in hell and made it out alive on my own. i conquered this obstacle and i can do it again." you're right, you'll conquer it. because you're a badass. and badass people always conquer their obstacles, no matter how much time it takes. however, it is important we get you through all of this in the best way we can. you shouldn't have to face everything alone, and you won't. we'll be here, every day, to listen to you. maybe you should start developing other coping strategies, until that appointment comes. the first time we talked, you mentioned listening to music. then, the second time, you talked about opening up to a close friend who could understand you. those are great ways to cope, to deal with the situation you're going through. are there any more coping strategies that come to your mind that could be useful in your life? you are not selfish, you are not worthless, you are not lazy. their words don't define who you are. you are just a kid, dealing with some issues. you are in a situation that gets you depressed and anxious, a situation of abuse. a situation that isn't, by all means, your fault. you shouldn't have to live a life you don't want, you shouldn't have to be forced to learn something, you shouldn't have to be mentally abused the way you are. and that, my friend, will change. you just need to have a little faith and hang on a little bit more. throw away those painkillers, because you won't need them. trust me, you won't. i didn't, after all, and that's the only reason i'm talking to you right now. this is probably the most-used phrase of all time, but it does get better. and, if it gets better for others, there's no reason it won't get better for you. just hang on and take care!
are you sure doctors don't expose this information? i thought doctors were supposed to tell parents what their children tells them about their problems. also, i wont give away the exact place where im living, but i can tell you i live in america around the north east. i don't know whether mental abuse is illegal here but if it is and i tell my doctor, i dont want my parents to go to jail for that, just maybe some help with family situations because i'm 100% sure i'm never going to have my parents approval for as long as i live. i'm not saying this as a self depression doubt thing, i'm saying this logically since i did something a few years ago that i shouldnt have done, and my parents always remind me of that day. that's actually the day i got depression too. well thats why they dont trust me anymore and why i'll never have their undoubted approval. i hope i get better when i talk to my doctor, but i still don't think i'll be able to deal with my family matters without screaming and crying every now and then, but this really helped me like before. i'd like to keep this mindset and not do anything rash, and so far i got a new best friend. though i havent told them much about my personal life, we connect together well since we have lots in common. i hope there are legal actions for helping me without telling my parents anything and keeping it a secret, but that probably wont happen since my depression started with them. if my doctor does keep my information a secret, what would they do? i have no idea how they help, but i dont want to take anything likes pills or medicine for my depression.
all patients have the right to a confidential medical service. however, in some situations, doctors have to bend that rule. one of those is in the context of child protection. i cannot tell you with certainty how your doctor would proceed, but i can tell you that, being you in a situation of harm, it wouldn't be right of him to expose to your parents what you told him. i have no clue about the situation of mental abuse in the us, but i'm almost sure jail isn't the only legal procedure to that. you can find that information online or asking an adult. however, if you don't feel comfortable telling your doctor, you can go to your school counselor. the confidentiality terms are different and you can always ask about it before starting to explain what took you there. i have no idea what you did (and i'm definitely not forcing you into telling me), but i doubt it's something unforgivable. their approval may seem important to you (and that's logical, they're your parents), but you have to put yourself and your health first. it's okay to scream and cry every now and then, but we want it to decrease. we want you to life a happy life, and a happy life is not always perfect, sometimes it has some "scream and cry" moments. the reverse, however, is not acceptable. and that's why we'll take care of it. it's great you found a friend, a best friend, but it's okay if you haven't told them much about your personal life. it takes time to build trust and it's okay to take things slow. having someone by your side is a great way to deal with some intrusive thoughts that will arise. this is, definitely, a great thing that has happened to you! about depression itself, medication is usually a choice. if you don't feel comfortable taking meds, you can use therapy. nowadays, there are lots of different approaches to treatment. you can choose one or more options, depending on your needs and on your resources. for more information (to choose the best for you), a professional would be required.
thanks, i'm going to hope my doctor won't say anything and look up some of this stuff. btw, have you ever thought of getting a job as a psychiatrist? because you'd be great at it.
hey, im sorry i'm a little late, but i just wanted to say thank you for opening up to this site. it takes a lot to talk about your personal issues with likely strangers. we will help you. you shouldn't be afraid to open up to your doctor. i can assure you that your doctor isn't going to tell your parents. that would be against patient confidentiality regulations. you have to open up to someone. mellowtalk helps, but you need someone you trust and who can actually be there physically for you. we can try to help, but it's not always that helpful to be talking to someone who’s possibly, probably from another country, who doesn’t know you personally, who doesn’t even know your real name. it’s not easy to be going through this. to be honest, it sucks. but you will get through it. i promise. stay strong.