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lonely and confused

posted by Anonymous on 19 July, 2020

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im lonely. i am so desperately lonely. i have no friends, no social life and no love life. my last relationship was 13 years ago when i was 23. i have been friendless for nearly 10 years. i have no children, although i have a fur baby who some days is the only thing that can genuinely make me smile. what sucks and is so hard for me to understand is that despite this loneliness, i never want to leave the house. i get huge anxiety just at the thought of going to any sort of social function/situation and most often talk myself out of going. even if i do manage to make myself go, i am almost always the first to leave - like i can’t get out of there quickly enough. i don’t understand why i do it. i feel like i’m cutting of my nose to spite my face, but i cant stop myself doing it. why oh why when i so desperately want to belong do i seem to do my best at running away from it? i just don’t understand.

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Anonymous ● 19 July, 2020 ⚓︎

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we judge our selfs and are scared of going out because that exposes us to judgement. our self-esteem is low so we are very sensitive to perceived judgement from others creating social anxiety and we stay alone to avoid this. i feel the same as you since i keep isolating myself everytime i fall ill to depression/anxiety again and again. its been too long a stint and now the friendship with the one or 2 friends i did have , feels irretrievable. ive never admitted told them that i have anxiety/depression. i think this is the crux right now . if we were more self-accepting and compassionate to ourselves , we'd give ourselves the chance to be real and honest.