posted by 💡5 Tall Leather Plover on 18 October, 2019
hey i posted a couple weeks ago here, you can see my shitty life story there if you want. just feeling like such a disaster at the moment. ive had a really bad cold the last week and ive had to keep working through it anyway cos we need the money so bad, i'm barely going to be able to put this months rent together. when i was heading to work today i got out of bed and i just felt so weary and tired and unable to do anything and i looked round at our tiny messy flat and then at myself in the mirror looking tired and dirty and wearing old tatty clothes and i just burst into tears. in front of my kids too, they were so kind to me and im so proud of them but i feel so weak and pathetic doing that in front of them. im basically going to have to tell them that we cant really afford to do anything for christmas this year cos money is so tight. ive been trying to quit smoking lately but ive been doing really badly, cigarettes give you easy energy when you feel ground down by everything and its not a good choice i know but i feel like its the only one ive got. ive messed up my life and my kids lives so much by making so many bad choices, i just feel so alone and worthless and like im useless in giving my daughters what they deserve.
hi there! it's okay not to be strong all the time. you don't have to feel weak or pathetic for crying in front of your kids. i'm sure they don't see you that way. remember what we talked about last time. your bad choices are now in the past. now, you have to worry not to dwell on them. the choices that matter are the ones you make from now on. it's good you still come here to vent. since the last time you came here, haven't there been any positive developments?
thank you. im trying to be as strong as i can for them but honestly no, it feels like there hasnt been much positive development in my life for a long time right now. ive been stuck in a dead end waitressing job for six years. ive got no qualifications and the only men in my life have always treated me like dirt. i dont think im a stupid person, i feel like i could do so much better in my life, but instead i spent my teenage years basically an alcoholic and i got pregnant at 16. i was neglected and dirt poor as a child and i fell in with a bad crowd and i just ruined my life really. i know you say i shouldnt dwell on the choices ive made but i feel ive trapped myself into this. i have no employable skills and no job prospects. i wake up every morning feeling like shit and like its going to be a massive struggle just to get through the day. i look like a wreck without covering my face in makeup and i know that people i meet judge me and think im lazy and dirty and judge me and my family for being poor. yeah i am trying so hard to make better choices now but whats the point when my life is already basically ruined. i hold it together most of the time for the sake of my kids but it hurts so much, its hard not to cry sometimes. ive been having really bad toothache too over the last couple of days, on top of feeling really ill with a cold. im going to the dentist tomorrow for the first time in like years to try and get it sorted but im so scared of how much will be wrong and how much it'll cost to fix, i know i have rotted teeth and ive not taken care of them properly for years. i try to hide them when i smile because theyre so yellow and they look so bad. probably can't afford to get it fixed properly cos i have literally no money beyond what i need to pay for food and to pay the rent. i just want something to stop it hurting to be honest. only good thing that has happened lately is i had a chat with my landlord couple days ago and honestly he was actually really nice and he said he understood i was struggling and not to worry if i cant always pay on time or if i cant get all the money to him. so that's actually really fair of him i think and im lucky hes not a total nightmare like the landlord in the last flat i rented. but yeah other than that there havent really been any positive things, its just been a miserable week when ive felt really bad most of the time. thanks for reading my rant anyway, im glad people care.
going to the dentist for the first time in such a long time is a pretty big step. i'm sure the professionals will give you different options to fix your teeth, so you can choose the one that suits you better. also, your landlord seems like such a nice person. he's the kind of person i mentioned on our last convo, the kind of person that'll help you if you ask them to. and he won't be the only one, more people will care. there's always hope. there's always going to be people who care. not only us, but also people in "real life", people who are in a better position to help you in different ways. until then, hope you can get through it all.
hey just so you know as an update on how im doing, i went to the dentist and it wasnt actually as bad as i was worried about. the dentist said he could tell they were bad but he's seen worse and i had to have two of them out cos they were the ones that were causing massive toothache and they were basically rotted out, but three of the others that were rotted can be saved apparently. i get government aid towards it and it doesnt pay for it all but it means i can just about cope with the cost if i spread it out a bit. so im feeling a little bit better right now. its a small thing i know but when anything goes right it gives you a bit of a boost.
Anonymous ● 19 October, 2019 ⚓︎
you do such a good job describing how you feel. thank you for sharing, i really hope things get better for you