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prefer to be dead

posted by 💡81 Big Ceramic Seal on 25 October, 2019

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i don't feel like going into detail of why i do feel this way. it's so much easier to just disappear from the world and stop existing, you know? only valid reason to not do it is my family and the one good friend i have and my cat. i don't want anyone to worry, i'm most likey never going to hurt myself but that's the thing. it's such a waste to live on feeling like this, i only get one life after all :( i hate myself, venting sometimes helps but it just isn't right now. i don't know hope everyone's having a good day, try be happy if you can, we only get 1 chance at this.




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💡62 💎2 Delightful Scarlet Jellyfish ● 25 October, 2019 ⚓︎


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“so i died many times that year. in the cold, in the storm, on the run or on the drunk for my heart did not want to beat but kept on beating anyway and my pain was as real as real can be, and i tried to learn and deal and run and feel but nothing really worked. i built a comfortable home in my sorrow and settled into a quiet living. no sparks or grand gestures, just a simple daily hymn to comfort. the leaves fell off the trees and coloured this city in all kinds of pretty, and some days that was enough to make me smile at least a little bit, within.” - charlotte eriksson

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Anonymous ● 25 October, 2019 ⚓︎


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without knowing what's going on i can't really comment on your situation. however, i can say from experience it is really hard to kill someone. and even more importantly messing up an action with lethal intention has wide reaching consequences. killing yourself would be a long term solution to a short term problem. and yes, it is short term if you want it to be so. it'll take work to feel better, but it is possible and with some effort you can feel happy with yourself again. and that's a promise

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Anonymous ● 25 October, 2019 ⚓︎


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you're right, we only get one shot so there's no use waiting and feeling sorry for yourself. it feels great to wallow in sadness. it's easy and cathartic. but you know already it isn't the way to go about things. make a change and get some help. you deserve better

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Anonymous ● 25 October, 2019 ⚓︎


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care to share some more? we're all ready to listen :)

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Anonymous ● 25 October, 2019 ⚓︎


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i want to be male, i'm not. i can't really transition and don't want to as it will never make me feel real (don't mean to be offensive, it's just how i feel). i can't even tell my family im depressed, its so hard to go to my therapist simply because sometimes i can't find a fake excuse to go somewhere without my mom questioning me. i studied in a really bad school and finished everything then moved to a better country now. that's great, but because my education was so limited i have to redo everything i studied to be able to get into the university now. my dad keeps pressuring me to pick the easiest subject possible and i don't want to do that. he wants me to get into university as soon as possible and i cannot do that. unfortunate situation all around and on it's own it's no biggie, but with my depression it's making things all the worse. back to wanting to be male: my body truly disgusts me. it does things out of my control and i despise it. periods are 5 days of constant depression start to finish, they're unavoidable and unstoppable and the thought that it'll come again after its done, then again, then again and again and again. it makes me wish to die in my sleep. i have (and always had) more than the usual amount of discharge. underwear is always damp and sticky, every day and all day long, wether i change or not. it's not even an infection it's just how it always has been. i can't for the life of me ignore all this and live on even though i want to and need. sex wise i'm frustrated as hell. cannot finish no matter what i do, never did in my entire life and probably never will, because i hate what i have in my pants. i feel like no one will ever take me seriously, that's why i take it out on here. my mom will at least be gone soon so i'll get to speak to my therapist more.

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Anonymous ● 25 October, 2019 ⚓︎


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woops, that's me typing up there. i forgot to sign in

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💡81 Big Ceramic Seal ● 25 October, 2019 ⚓︎


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woops, that's me typing up there. i forgot to sign in

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Anonymous ● 25 October, 2019 ⚓︎


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i feel that on a spiritual level. life can be so much sometimes. why even go on things don't really have a purpose. we all don't matter in the end. but at least that means when we screw up it won't matter either. and that's something that makes me feel whole again