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depressed, ashamed, and fed up

posted by 💡1 Interesting Invisible Orange on 13 September, 2019

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i have just started my a-levels, and i was hopeful at first, but things have gone downhill so quickly since. this week has been a monumental shitstorm (excuse the language, i don't often curse) to be perfectly honest. basically i have both anxiety and depression, alongside a rather serious heart condition. i'm not very lucky when it comes to conditions like that. anyway, i'd have been a depressive episode starting monday and i think it's still going now, which is much longer than i'm used to. i'd also been trying to get over a crush on my best friend, who's been flirting a lot with a new guy in our year. me with my stupid lack of self-esteem and mental health issues, i reacted badly to this. my depression got worse as the week progressed. and when my friend told me that she liked the new guy, i didn't respond - i was heartbroken, even though it was obvious (him liking her to doesn't help). however, the next morning i distanced myself from her without realising, and later that day, i had a panic attack after it became obvious she was annoyed at me. i went to the doctor's later that day because of a significantly higher heart rate due to all the stress of the week. luckily, she discussed the problems with me, and i apologised for it all, and even though she said "i hope this doesn't make it awkward or anything", all we did today was a short wave and a smile. no talk whatsoever. so within less than 48 hours, we've gone from pretty much being best friends to seemingly being at square one of a friendship again. i really want things to go back to how they were before sixth form began. so yeah, because i had a crush on my best friend, our friendship is seemingly ruined, my depression is so much worse than its been in so long, and i'm also physically ill as my heart rate is still not back to normal.... i just really need people there to convince me that i haven't lost that friendship and that things can recover fairly quickly. i do have other close friends, but i had such a strong bond with this girl and it hurts so bad to have us on awkward terms.




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💡62 💎2 Delightful Scarlet Jellyfish ● 20 September, 2019 ⚓︎


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sometimes, friendships navigate through some tough waves. however, it is simply a matter of time before things come to normal. not only you'll both have some time to adapt yourselves to this new reality, but you'll also start to find that your friendship will develop a stronger bond. i'm not trying to lessen your feelings (believe me, i've been there), but it's better if you don't sweat it. on the other hand, if you're going through a hard and stressful time, you should focus on yourself. try to keep yourself as steady as you can and you'll ace it. good luck!

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Anonymous ● 14 September, 2019 ⚓︎


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hey there! :) friendships can recover and repair, even when it seems like there's no way to go back. i think that maybe you need to give her some time to sort of accept and aknowledge everything you told her. it probably was a lot to take and she could need some time to think it over. i don't think you won't be friends anymore, but she probably still doesn't know exactly how to react so things may seem awkward for now, but i believe you can move past this. you just need to work on your friendship and take things slow, don't just try to jump into the friendship you used to have, because things changed now so the nature of your friendship may change as well. but that's okay, that's life, we all change, you just need to learn how to rebuild your friendship on this new terms, so to speak. i guess you need to give her some time to think it over and then maybe talk to her about your friendship and how she feels about the things that you've told her. just take things slow and don't stress yourself to much, you're strong and you've got this! try to stay calm, keep your heart rate in check and good luck with your a-levels :))

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Anonymous ● 16 September, 2019 ⚓︎


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what you’re going through really resonated with me. i too fell for someone that is in love with someone else. as my situation stands we are still friends, however as it is he didn’t tell me he loved this other person until after we got intimate. which makes it doubly painful to watch him love her while i watch from the sidelines and then have him come to my bed some nights. im sure that your friend will come around and things will return to something that resembles normalcy. i don’t want to tell you to forget her because honestly that’s not how i feel friendships are at their core. everything ebbs and flows unfortunately your relationship is ebbing, the flow will come. i wholeheartedly believe that that hard part is just staying focus until then. hopefully it’s soon. the best thing i’ve found that works for me is to just be honest. he knows i like him and i know he doesn’t reciprocate but we still act like friends go out in public and talk about work or school. there really is no subject off limit. find a way to let her know you know the boundaries and try to stay within them for now.