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reason for why i prefer to be dead

posted by 💡81 Big Ceramic Seal on 26 October, 2019

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any advice is appreciated but, simply put: i want to be male, i'm not. i can't really transition and don't want to as it will never make me feel real (don't mean to be offensive, it's just how i feel). i can't even tell my family im depressed, its so hard to go to my therapist simply because sometimes i can't find a fake excuse to go somewhere without my mom questioning me. i studied in a really bad school and finished everything then moved to a better country now. that's great, but because my education was so limited i have to redo everything i studied to be able to get into the university now. my dad keeps pressuring me to pick the easiest subject possible and i don't want to do that. he wants me to get into university as soon as possible and i cannot do that. unfortunate situation all around and on it's own it's no biggie, but with my depression it's making things all the worse. back to wanting to be male: my body disgusts me. it does things out of my control and i despise it. periods are 5 days of constant depression on steroids, start to finish, they're unavoidable and unstoppable and the thought that it'll come again after its done, then again, then again and again and again and again over and over and over, it makes me wish to die in my sleep. i have (and always had) more than the usual amount of discharge. underwear is always damp and sticky, every day and all day long, wether i change or not. it's not even an infection it's just how it always has been. because of this i put off on walking or running outside although i love doing that, but i just cant. imagine pouring white glue in your underwear while taking a walk.. not really fun. all i do is sit, i only walk when i absolutely need to, i don't get to play with my cat as much as i want to. and i have this gut feeling that if i go tell this to a doctor, they'll say it's normal and healthy then send me back home. i've already told this among other things to my therapist, she didn't even address the discharge although it's possibly the worst thing in my life. i don't care that it's normal. cancer is normal why do people treat it then? discharge is ruining my life why can't no one do anything to help me. i can't for the life of me ignore all this and live on happy even though i want to. sex wise i'm frustrated as hell. cannot finish no matter what i do, never did in my entire life and probably never will, because i hate what i have in my pants. i feel nothing no matter what i touch, no matter how turned on i get, it just feels like im touching nothing, again i told my therapist and she didn't address it. no one seems to care really, why would they? i'm pathetic. i feel like no one will ever take me seriously, that's why i take it out on here. my mom will at least be gone soon so i'll get to speak to my therapist more, maybe the reason she didn't address some of my stuff is because i had such a long list of things bothering me, yet so little time.. i don't know but i hope that's the reason. sorry for posting twice and hogging some space, i don't think anyone saw when i posted a reply in the first thread i made. i don't really know what to do with my life and with my body. i want to die but i can't do it for the sake of others. i know when i'll be gone others would be left behind with their lives ruined, i can't do that :( i don't want to be ignored and dismissed, i know others have more on their shoulders but fuck, what can i do




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💡62 💎2 Delightful Scarlet Jellyfish ● 29 October, 2019 ⚓︎


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hello there! it's really great you're having the opportunity to study in a better place, to improve yourself. tell me, do you have any idea about what you want to major in? about your body, have you ever considered getting the opinion of another doctor? maybe there's something that can help you control that aspect. also, is there anything you could do that maybe would get you more comfortable with your body? you say you don't wanna transition, and that is, of course, your decision. but is there anything you'd like to do that would make you feel better? i understand you're in a really bad position right now. and i understand how frustrating it must be not getting all the answers or, at least, some of them. we can work on that!

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💡81 Big Ceramic Seal ● 02 November, 2019 ⚓︎


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can we work on that? i don't know if you'll see this response, and i've no clue how we can talk together, the wait times are quite high. it's really hard to find someone to talk to, let alone find you. but either way, i'm glad too that i've moved to a better place, i couldn't even get a therapist where i used live. the education is a lot better, much nicer people. overall my life improved a ton. to answer your question i'm not too sure what i want to major in, perhaps something math related. it'll be really challenging but math is fun! i'll go get a doctor's opinion on the discharge, it might be all normal (worst case scenario) but maybe there's something wrong and maybe a doctor can fix it. im trying really hard to get more comfortable with my body, recently i found wearing men's underwear helps to some extent so i ordered some pairs. i'll ask my general doctor to transfer me to someone specialized with hormones and we'll see what options i have to stop period and maybe lessen discharge. it scares me because these things can cause weight gain and depression.. but seems like it's my only option. i think my therapist will also refer me to someone who can help with prescribing a really tiny testosterone dose, and some topical testosterone cream. again i'll have to wait and see how this all goes. all options for surgery are kind of high risk, for example hysterectomy (removing the uterus) will most definitely cause prolapse along the way, so that's out of the question, although i really want that. thanks for checking in :) talking about this helps me sometimes

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💡62 💎2 Delightful Scarlet Jellyfish ● 02 November, 2019 ⚓︎


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well, i usually come here at least once a day. however, sometimes, i spend a little bit of time without coming, but the first thing i do when i have the opportunity is to check all the recent posts. and i always come back to see what people have responded. we can work on everything you need. i understand moving can be difficult, because you leave a lot of things behind. how are you holding on regarding that aspect? math is really fun, and you have a lot of paths to choose from that. but don't worry, you have time to make that decision. maybe it'd be nice if you could have a chat with your dad, explaining him that pressuring you isn't gonna make you choose faster and that going into university earlier isn't always the best solution. even if it is normal, there are usually some ways to help you deal with it on a daily basis. those are all very good ways to make you more comfortable, and excellent ways to cope. of course, with regard to your health, i recommend always asking a doctor's opinion. all options have their pros and their cons, so it's always a better idea to check with a professional and with someone who knows your medical history. if you need to talk, mellowtalk is always here for you. from now on, you'll never be alone.

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💡81 Big Ceramic Seal ● 03 November, 2019 ⚓︎


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thank you so much for being here it warms my heart. don't worry about the moving aspect, it was amazing. i was born, raised and taught in a very very anti lgbt country, very sexist and misogynistic. i am extremely glad to be out for good! i don't regret anything and i don't miss anything at. only bad thing is i was very undereducated, and now i'm struggling so much to be on par with people my age, education wise. i tried having talks with my dad. usually ends up with him mocking me, especially if god forbid i do some tiny arithmetic error while talking about my grades :/ lately he's been calling me names for wanting to pick something i like that's challenging (i hear him talk to mom and call me names, then he denies he said them) he also keeps rushing me to get in to uni very aggressively, i've only recently just hit 19, so i don't understand all the hurry.. but to be fair he doesn't know im depressed and probably thinks im just very lazy for doing nothing somedays. issue is i can't tell him, nor my mom. this is how their stupid culture works. if i tell him: he won't take it seriously, he'll think im a slacking loser, he'll think me not doing things is the source of my depression rather than the other way around. if i tell mom: she'll probe me day and night for the reasons and if i say the truth she'll think im crazy, she'll try to "cure" me with religious stuff and very bad sexist advice. it would ruin any shred of a relationship left between us. i don't resent them, that's sadly how they've been brought up but man i wish it was different. it hurts to have to lie 24/7 with them. it hurts that they see me do unexplainable things because they don't know anything about my depression, thus they think im stupid, thus they think i shouldn't be intrusted with my own life and my own choices yet. regarding the other things, i understand that i need to see a professional about my health (and i most definitely will very soon) i also understand most people here cant help with that kind of talk, all they can do is listen. but these things bothers me tremendously. talking about my doctor plans and/or my treatment options takes away some stress off it. it's ok if the medical conversation is one sided. i just need to let these things out, you know?

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💡62 💎2 Delightful Scarlet Jellyfish ● 03 November, 2019 ⚓︎


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i'm glad you feel that way and i'm really happy you moved outta that place! you know, i used to have a hard time with my parents. they used to put a lot of pressure on me, all because of my grades. i was a great student, because i loved learning, but then it all became an obligation and my will to learn just vanished into thin air. consequently, my grades started to drop, and that was when i realized that i shouldn't be trying to live up to their expectations. i was my own person and i had to play by my rules. we only have one life and we shouldn't have to live it the way others want us to, even when those others are people we care so much about. i understand that all they wanna do is help us, guide us through life, prevent us from screwing things over. but we're the only ones who have the right to choose what we want to do. so, if you feel you're not being listened, if you feel you're being put under pressure, just try to ignore it. i know it's not the best option, but, temporarily, it really is something. you start to know how to avoid their intrusive behavior and you start to develop other coping skills, all by yourself, and those'll suit you more. you're not the person your parents think you are. you're the person you have to face everyday when you wake up, the person you have to face everyday when you go to sleep and you're alone with your thoughts. don't try to improve the person they think you are; try to improve the person you really are, so you can become the person you want to be. if you feel the need to share, or to vent, you've definitely come to the right place. i'll be here whenever you need to and we can talk about anything that could be bothering you. you're always welcome!

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💡62 💎2 Delightful Scarlet Jellyfish ● 03 November, 2019 ⚓︎


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also, thank you so much for your kind words 😉

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💡81 Big Ceramic Seal ● 03 November, 2019 ⚓︎


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all you said is true and makes sense, my plans are to get more comfortable are all logical and good. but it seems i'm stuck in this cycle forever. i make plans and make things make sense, prepare for the doctor visit, pretend that everything will be ok, all to feel better. but at the end of the day the realization hits me just as hard as the first time, that i'll never be male. i'll never have a penis, i'll never fully get rid of discharge, i'll never stop getting wet and ruining my underwear everytime i'm slightly turned on, i'll never have sex with my partner the way i want, i'll never be off hormones and no surgery in the world that can help me comes with side effects that are not worse than what i already experience, i will never feel free. this will still be true if i transition (that's why i don't want to transition). im stuck being alive and beneath all that logical talk and feeling slightly better, the truth is i don't want to live on, but i'm forced to. i really want to cry. how can i ever address that.. all i do is push it away because everytime i try to face it, i feel horrible. when i ignore it, it comes back to bite me in the ass and i feel more horrible. i've been avoiding every single thought that leads up to this for the past week, but i can't fully avoid looking at guys, talking to guys, not thinking of anything intimate at all, not looking at my body at all. i can't avoid these things and they build up and build up and build up and today i finally burst. woke up multiple time this morning then went back to sleep to avoid life. but then i couldn't fall back to sleep again, and finally burst out crying. i feel really bad right now what can i do :(

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💡62 💎2 Delightful Scarlet Jellyfish ● 03 November, 2019 ⚓︎


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well, feeling like you're stuck in a vicious cycle is actually a vicious cycle by itself. and, unfortunately, there isn't an easy way out, but there's one. to get out of there, you need to take a step out. simple as that, but difficult as hell. what we need to do is find the place where that cycle might be easier to break. i'm really sorry for not having a word to make it better for you, but, at the end of the day, you'll be the same person you were before. it doesn't matter if you're male or female, if you have a penis or not, your insides will still be the same. we should be working on trying an acceptance speech, trying to understand what could make you feel better about yourself right now and in the long-term. people can change, but they can't run from who they are. you are your own individual, unique as a snowflake, and you should be proud of that. it's okay if you can't see that now, i can hold on for the both of us, but i'd like it if we could make an effort to work on that. there's no one else in this world like you and that's actually something great! every little thing you can use to accept yourself, every small change you can make (like wearing men's underwear, which you mentioned earlier), even the tinniest detail is something you should pursue. explore all your options, try to talk to people you know who've been in similar situations, find professionals who can guide you through all of it, read books, watch documentaries, inform yourself about all the choices you have to make and all the possible outcomes. crying is okay, you know? it's a natural response to feeling sad, to feeling stressed, to feeling overwhelmed. you'll have to stand up to all of these obstacles someday. it's okay if you can't do it right now, it's okay if you don't feel ready to do so. but we can work on that and we will, so you'll be prepared to do it eventually. avoiding this indefinitely is not a solution, but sometimes you have to take your mind of things so you can look at them differently. some of them are impossible to avoid and would impair your life if you did so, and maybe those are the ones we need to address first.

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💡81 Big Ceramic Seal ● 04 November, 2019 ⚓︎


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i feel like i'm being extremely moody here, one day i'm 100% logical and the other i'm a hot mess, i don't know. it also feels so strange but nice at the same time to get support like this, i've always felt so undeserving of any sort of emotional help. you know i go sometimes to a therapist, but she never makes me feel as good as this, so thank you. it makes me wonder if you're a professional therapist too! (no need to disclose) the real issue with breaking this cycle is periods. they're a cycle too, and i cannot stop them. they make me feel absolutely horrible and out of control of my own body. another thing is the discharge. these things are like reminders for me, maybe it's good to get rid of them first? when you said some things are impossible to avoid and would impair my life if i did so, they're the first thing that came to mind. i'm really upset by not being able to go to the doctor at the moment.. i also had to miss a therapist visit that was around 15 days ago, now i have to ask for another and the waiting times for these are high. my mom is on vacation here, can't really go to the doc freely for this issue with her around, she'll leave in around 1-2 weeks (i've been waiting for that to happen for 3 months) so i can finally go to my general doc, then from there on ask to be transferred to a hormones doc, which would most likely be 1-2 months of waiting. these waits are killing me. not being able to help myself at all during these 3 months has made my life worse. all i can do while i suffer is wait and wait and wait, do you know how can i deal with this better? i try to do things but my list of activities is somewhat limited due to the stupid amount of discharge i get. also i've been talking to people in my same position right now (found some on reddit) and they're being helpful too, not very reassuring because these kinds of things don't always go away, but insightful nonetheless. sorry if i'm a big talked, it relieves some stress and there isn't anyone else who's willing to listen. i'm very tired now so i think it's time to sleep, have a good night/day depending on where you are :)

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💡62 💎2 Delightful Scarlet Jellyfish ● 04 November, 2019 ⚓︎


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human beings are essentially always torn between being logical and racional and being illogical and sensitive. you're not undeserving; you have your bad days, your bad situations, like everybody else. you deserve support, comprehension and all the help you need, regardless of where it comes from. it's okay, i can give you some information without compromising my identity. i'm a college student, but i'm not studying psychology ou psychiatry. those are things that you can solve or learn to deal with if you get yourself some professional help. getting rid of them or not it's your choice, but it'd be good if you had all the options to make an informed choice. when i wrote about things that are impossible to avoid, i was referring to your own self, to the things you feel, to the things you experience. those are things that won't go away, the things you need to work on for the rest of your life. well, what kind of things do you like to do? you have already talked about sports (walking and running), but it's difficult for you because of the discharge. do you have any other kind of hobbies? or something you'd like to try, but haven't had the chance to do so? talking to other people is always a good way to decide how to deal with your own situations. you'll discover that some of them know exactly what you're going through and that can be quite helpful. don't worry, i want you to talk about it, so i can know how to help you. also, i'm here to listen, so there's nothing you can say that'd make me stop to care.

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💡81 Big Ceramic Seal ● 05 November, 2019 ⚓︎


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i have a huge interest in hiking and bushcraft, but never got to do either of these yet. i plan to one day walk the camino de santiago, or hike the pct trail (obviously the latter is a whole lot more extreme, so maybe not). i have a hobby for collecting hobbies :p if i get interested in something, i try it. that's how i got into leathercraft, i draw (good according to others), and a bunch of other things. sadly when i'm down i tend to ditch all of my hobbies and interests, only one survives which is math. i'd love to fix my stuff so i can run/walk and eventually get into hiking, and i'd like to feel better so i can pursue my other hobbies. i will get professional help perhaps in a month, i've now been waiting for 3 months and the wait has made things so much worse, do you know how to deal with something like that? i dont know of any other things i can do to accept myself more than this for the time being, i think i just have to wait more as i feel these's just nothing i can do aside from what i've already done.

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💡62 💎2 Delightful Scarlet Jellyfish ● 06 November, 2019 ⚓︎


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it's pretty common ditching your hobbies when you're feeling down, it's a matter of lack of motivation. unfortunately, the waiting is impossible to avoid, but there are some ways for you to take your mind of things. all the hobbies you mentioned are things you engage in without any commitment. how'd you feel with starting something you had to go to? something you'd feel comfortable doing once you started it, but also something that'd make you go.

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💡81 Big Ceramic Seal ● 07 November, 2019 ⚓︎


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i went to my general doctor today, they changed the doctor i liked and put a new one in her place. on top of that i got to look at the report my therapist wrote for me based on our talk, and most of it is wrong although i wrote everything to her and used a translator beforehand so it would be as clear as possible. everyone misunderstands, my therapist doesn't care about me, my general doctor doesn't care about me and the hormones doctor appointment is in more than 5 months, and last time i went there i was sent home because "i didn't know what i wanted" when in reality they just didn't listen and dismissed everything i said, and refused to even try to give me birth control to stop my period. my therapist said in the paper that i'm fine although i told her i feel horrible most days of the week, and i want to die. it's like she didn't give a fuck about anything i said. i hate myself and i want to kill myself, no one cares about my sorry ass i don't really want to do anything to cope better, i don't really want to pursue my hobbies and my life can go to shit for all care. what's the point in fighting if even a therapist doesn't understand me and doesn't want to help me

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💡81 Big Ceramic Seal ● 07 November, 2019 ⚓︎


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more than 6 months* not 5 there aren't even available appointments and they'll just have to call me if they find one. so more than half a year for what? for the possibility to be dismissed a second time by people who don't even care to listen what i need. i'm sick and tired of everything. even birth control needs a doctor's note and my general doctor told me to basically wait half a year for that.. or just misunderstood what i'm saying again because she doesn't give a shit

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💡81 Big Ceramic Seal ● 08 November, 2019 ⚓︎


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i have never felt so extremely alone and helpless before

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Anonymous ● 03 November, 2019 ⚓︎


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hiya, hope you are doing a lil better today. i've read your conversation and hope to be of some help. i'm sorry that you're feeling frustated. scarlet has been helping you amazingly, i'm here give my two cents about the sexual stuff you are facing. i'm a med student and felt maybe you'll have a person to talk to about this. first, the way you described your discharge seems normal. (my strong advice is to visit a gp ,of course) there are hormonal pills, iuds which change the thickness and the quantity of the mucus along with stopping the periods for months or years. your fear about them is legitimate too, since they come with their ownset of side effects. you should have a detailed talk with your doctor about all these options and work out with one problem after the other. like scarlet said, when you have restricting situations, you gotta have to compromise a lil and make sure you feel optimum about yourself. if you have any other concerns or questions please do share, i'll try my best to answer them.

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💡81 Big Ceramic Seal ● 03 November, 2019 ⚓︎


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i've been recently thinking about having my tubes tied, paired with an endometrial ablation. this way i'm permanently sterile with very little side effects, and the ablation means no period (although i'm not sure about the ablation, i know the uterine lining can regrow, especially at my age) and all this is obviously hypothetical, any surgeon can just deny all this. i'm in a very lgbt friendly country though and my therapist *might* help me pursue that even if i don't plan on fully transitioning. i'll also go to a doctor like i said, but all of this is extremely hard and awkward for me. i'm in a new country and i can barely speak the language. all doctor and therapist visits scare the hell out of me because of the language barrier. i'm quite busy with something right now, thanks a lot for your support <3

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Anonymous ● 04 November, 2019 ⚓︎


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hey, yeah, that's one of the options with least side effects with a permanent solution. the ablation removes the uterine lining at a depth where it results in scarring of the uterine walls resulting in closure of the cavity. it's an irreversible process. you have a point there. any surgeon would make you go through a detailed discussion in three to four meetings, lot of paperwork and explicit consent (age differs with country, i guess) no matter how lgbtq friendly they may be. having said that, please don't be scared to reach out to a doctor. language barrier is a bit of problem but most doctors are there to help people out. you can find out before an appointment if they have any doctors who know your language. even if they don't, it's alright. they'll try to be understanding and make you comfortable. in the rare case where the therapist/doctor didn't help you out , please don't lose hope and reach out to a better one. hope you settle soon and welcome to the new place ...to loads of new opportunities!! have a cake on my behalf! <3

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💡81 Big Ceramic Seal ● 04 November, 2019 ⚓︎


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thank you :) best of luck with your studies too! bet you'd become a great doctor/nurse so i've a small question, do med students' handwriting start deteriorating in university, or does it only start when you start working as a doctor hahaha seriously though thank you for the encouragement, infact i'll go get something sweet to eat on your behalf!

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Anonymous ● 04 November, 2019 ⚓︎


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been studying since few hours and was wondering where did my cursive has gone off to xd personally, i think i kinda lost in residency . at times, i do kinda drag it back to me only to lose it by midday lol thank you for your kind words and luck! i'm gonna give exams soon!

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Anonymous ● 09 November, 2019 ⚓︎


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hey.. it's sucks that you're going through these changes alone. but please don't give up. do you have any chance to change your doctor or make an appointment with another obsgyn? idk about the rules in your locality but usually teenagers are never rejected of birth control (which stop periods essentially) .

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💡81 Big Ceramic Seal ● 17 November, 2019 ⚓︎


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i visited a private gynecologist and got an iud from them, had to pay a lot though :/ it was 3 days ago, now i'm still bleeding, still feel really out of energy and just plain miserable and resentful.. maybe it'll stop soon but i don't really have any hope left. quite stupid that the gynecologist didn't even mention any of this. i'm so tired man i don't know what to do. physical and mental pain paired with bleeding for an undefined amount of time i don't really want to live. my cat is fucking bored and sad because i havent had any power to play with her as much as she needs, my brothers are lazy and they don't either.. stupid. i wish someone could make her happy in my place just till this stupid bleeding and pain fucks off. i'll get a private insurance tomorrow, should be cheap and hopefully i'll never have to see my stupid therapist ever again either way thanks for being here friend. im feeling really low and i need that

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Anonymous ● 18 November, 2019 ⚓︎


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hey, ngl, you had me worried, my friend. your doc should tell you about the side effects and other chances of mishappenings if they should occur. sometimes uterus gets a little irritated at the foreign object and may bleed. but 99% of the time, once the bleeding stops, you don't have to bother about it again for few years. as it's hormonal, you gotta watch out for breakouts and weight gain. so plan a healthy diet and exercise routine around it. though you feel bad about your cat, i believe that they act around according to our mood and all, they know if we feel low. so don't worry, he)she loves you just as much even if they seem a lil fussy. changing your therapist a good decision, imo. hope your next therapist is more understanding and help you out better. and we all care, few may not comment but most of them care. keep your chin up and march on , my friend. the first and the last person to cheer you up should be you -said my drunk friend and its a good thought! be kind to yourself :) take care!

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Anonymous ● 12 November, 2019 ⚓︎


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lol,this is gonna sound dumb because everyone says it... i should prob take my own advice, but try to forget the bad shit.... when i say try...........k im not even gonna try, i'm depressed i relate.... i'm gay, genderfluid, and have homophobic parents... what can i say? life sucks

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💡81 Big Ceramic Seal ● 17 November, 2019 ⚓︎


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i agree, life is miserable at the moment but try to reach out and get better if you can. im miserable and want my life to end but i like to think that at the very damn least i'm reaching out and trying to fix it.. even though it doesn't seem to be doing anything, at least i don't feel so lonely