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reason for why i prefer to be dead

posted by 💡161 Big Ceramic Seal on 26 October, 2019

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any advice is appreciated but, simply put: i want to be male, i'm not. i can't really transition and don't want to as it will never make me feel real (don't mean to be offensive, it's just how i feel). i can't even tell my family im depressed, its so hard to go to my therapist simply because sometimes i can't find a fake excuse to go somewhere without my mom questioning me. i studied in a really bad school and finished everything then moved to a better country now. that's great, but because my education was so limited i have to redo everything i studied to be able to get into the university now. my dad keeps pressuring me to pick the easiest subject possible and i don't want to do that. he wants me to get into university as soon as possible and i cannot do that. unfortunate situation all around and on it's own it's no biggie, but with my depression it's making things all the worse. back to wanting to be male: my body disgusts me. it does things out of my control and i despise it. periods are 5 days of constant depression on steroids, start to finish, they're unavoidable and unstoppable and the thought that it'll come again after its done, then again, then again and again and again and again over and over and over, it makes me wish to die in my sleep. i have (and always had) more than the usual amount of discharge. underwear is always damp and sticky, every day and all day long, wether i change or not. it's not even an infection it's just how it always has been. because of this i put off on walking or running outside although i love doing that, but i just cant. imagine pouring white glue in your underwear while taking a walk.. not really fun. all i do is sit, i only walk when i absolutely need to, i don't get to play with my cat as much as i want to. and i have this gut feeling that if i go tell this to a doctor, they'll say it's normal and healthy then send me back home. i've already told this among other things to my therapist, she didn't even address the discharge although it's possibly the worst thing in my life. i don't care that it's normal. cancer is normal why do people treat it then? discharge is ruining my life why can't no one do anything to help me. i can't for the life of me ignore all this and live on happy even though i want to. sex wise i'm frustrated as hell. cannot finish no matter what i do, never did in my entire life and probably never will, because i hate what i have in my pants. i feel nothing no matter what i touch, no matter how turned on i get, it just feels like im touching nothing, again i told my therapist and she didn't address it. no one seems to care really, why would they? i'm pathetic. i feel like no one will ever take me seriously, that's why i take it out on here. my mom will at least be gone soon so i'll get to speak to my therapist more, maybe the reason she didn't address some of my stuff is because i had such a long list of things bothering me, yet so little time.. i don't know but i hope that's the reason. sorry for posting twice and hogging some space, i don't think anyone saw when i posted a reply in the first thread i made. i don't really know what to do with my life and with my body. i want to die but i can't do it for the sake of others. i know when i'll be gone others would be left behind with their lives ruined, i can't do that :( i don't want to be ignored and dismissed, i know others have more on their shoulders but fuck, what can i do

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💡161 Big Ceramic Seal ● 03 November, 2019 ⚓︎


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all you said is true and makes sense, my plans are to get more comfortable are all logical and good. but it seems i'm stuck in this cycle forever. i make plans and make things make sense, prepare for the doctor visit, pretend that everything will be ok, all to feel better. but at the end of the day the realization hits me just as hard as the first time, that i'll never be male. i'll never have a penis, i'll never fully get rid of discharge, i'll never stop getting wet and ruining my underwear everytime i'm slightly turned on, i'll never have sex with my partner the way i want, i'll never be off hormones and no surgery in the world that can help me comes with side effects that are not worse than what i already experience, i will never feel free. this will still be true if i transition (that's why i don't want to transition). im stuck being alive and beneath all that logical talk and feeling slightly better, the truth is i don't want to live on, but i'm forced to. i really want to cry. how can i ever address that.. all i do is push it away because everytime i try to face it, i feel horrible. when i ignore it, it comes back to bite me in the ass and i feel more horrible. i've been avoiding every single thought that leads up to this for the past week, but i can't fully avoid looking at guys, talking to guys, not thinking of anything intimate at all, not looking at my body at all. i can't avoid these things and they build up and build up and build up and today i finally burst. woke up multiple time this morning then went back to sleep to avoid life. but then i couldn't fall back to sleep again, and finally burst out crying. i feel really bad right now what can i do :(

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💡135 💎2 Delightful Scarlet Jellyfish ● 03 November, 2019 ⚓︎


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well, feeling like you're stuck in a vicious cycle is actually a vicious cycle by itself. and, unfortunately, there isn't an easy way out, but there's one. to get out of there, you need to take a step out. simple as that, but difficult as hell. what we need to do is find the place where that cycle might be easier to break. i'm really sorry for not having a word to make it better for you, but, at the end of the day, you'll be the same person you were before. it doesn't matter if you're male or female, if you have a penis or not, your insides will still be the same. we should be working on trying an acceptance speech, trying to understand what could make you feel better about yourself right now and in the long-term. people can change, but they can't run from who they are. you are your own individual, unique as a snowflake, and you should be proud of that. it's okay if you can't see that now, i can hold on for the both of us, but i'd like it if we could make an effort to work on that. there's no one else in this world like you and that's actually something great! every little thing you can use to accept yourself, every small change you can make (like wearing men's underwear, which you mentioned earlier), even the tinniest detail is something you should pursue. explore all your options, try to talk to people you know who've been in similar situations, find professionals who can guide you through all of it, read books, watch documentaries, inform yourself about all the choices you have to make and all the possible outcomes. crying is okay, you know? it's a natural response to feeling sad, to feeling stressed, to feeling overwhelmed. you'll have to stand up to all of these obstacles someday. it's okay if you can't do it right now, it's okay if you don't feel ready to do so. but we can work on that and we will, so you'll be prepared to do it eventually. avoiding this indefinitely is not a solution, but sometimes you have to take your mind of things so you can look at them differently. some of them are impossible to avoid and would impair your life if you did so, and maybe those are the ones we need to address first.

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💡161 Big Ceramic Seal ● 04 November, 2019 ⚓︎


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i feel like i'm being extremely moody here, one day i'm 100% logical and the other i'm a hot mess, i don't know. it also feels so strange but nice at the same time to get support like this, i've always felt so undeserving of any sort of emotional help. you know i go sometimes to a therapist, but she never makes me feel as good as this, so thank you. it makes me wonder if you're a professional therapist too! (no need to disclose) the real issue with breaking this cycle is periods. they're a cycle too, and i cannot stop them. they make me feel absolutely horrible and out of control of my own body. another thing is the discharge. these things are like reminders for me, maybe it's good to get rid of them first? when you said some things are impossible to avoid and would impair my life if i did so, they're the first thing that came to mind. i'm really upset by not being able to go to the doctor at the moment.. i also had to miss a therapist visit that was around 15 days ago, now i have to ask for another and the waiting times for these are high. my mom is on vacation here, can't really go to the doc freely for this issue with her around, she'll leave in around 1-2 weeks (i've been waiting for that to happen for 3 months) so i can finally go to my general doc, then from there on ask to be transferred to a hormones doc, which would most likely be 1-2 months of waiting. these waits are killing me. not being able to help myself at all during these 3 months has made my life worse. all i can do while i suffer is wait and wait and wait, do you know how can i deal with this better? i try to do things but my list of activities is somewhat limited due to the stupid amount of discharge i get. also i've been talking to people in my same position right now (found some on reddit) and they're being helpful too, not very reassuring because these kinds of things don't always go away, but insightful nonetheless. sorry if i'm a big talked, it relieves some stress and there isn't anyone else who's willing to listen. i'm very tired now so i think it's time to sleep, have a good night/day depending on where you are :)

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💡135 💎2 Delightful Scarlet Jellyfish ● 04 November, 2019 ⚓︎


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human beings are essentially always torn between being logical and racional and being illogical and sensitive. you're not undeserving; you have your bad days, your bad situations, like everybody else. you deserve support, comprehension and all the help you need, regardless of where it comes from. it's okay, i can give you some information without compromising my identity. i'm a college student, but i'm not studying psychology ou psychiatry. those are things that you can solve or learn to deal with if you get yourself some professional help. getting rid of them or not it's your choice, but it'd be good if you had all the options to make an informed choice. when i wrote about things that are impossible to avoid, i was referring to your own self, to the things you feel, to the things you experience. those are things that won't go away, the things you need to work on for the rest of your life. well, what kind of things do you like to do? you have already talked about sports (walking and running), but it's difficult for you because of the discharge. do you have any other kind of hobbies? or something you'd like to try, but haven't had the chance to do so? talking to other people is always a good way to decide how to deal with your own situations. you'll discover that some of them know exactly what you're going through and that can be quite helpful. don't worry, i want you to talk about it, so i can know how to help you. also, i'm here to listen, so there's nothing you can say that'd make me stop to care.

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💡161 Big Ceramic Seal ● 05 November, 2019 ⚓︎


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i have a huge interest in hiking and bushcraft, but never got to do either of these yet. i plan to one day walk the camino de santiago, or hike the pct trail (obviously the latter is a whole lot more extreme, so maybe not). i have a hobby for collecting hobbies :p if i get interested in something, i try it. that's how i got into leathercraft, i draw (good according to others), and a bunch of other things. sadly when i'm down i tend to ditch all of my hobbies and interests, only one survives which is math. i'd love to fix my stuff so i can run/walk and eventually get into hiking, and i'd like to feel better so i can pursue my other hobbies. i will get professional help perhaps in a month, i've now been waiting for 3 months and the wait has made things so much worse, do you know how to deal with something like that? i dont know of any other things i can do to accept myself more than this for the time being, i think i just have to wait more as i feel these's just nothing i can do aside from what i've already done.

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💡135 💎2 Delightful Scarlet Jellyfish ● 06 November, 2019 ⚓︎


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it's pretty common ditching your hobbies when you're feeling down, it's a matter of lack of motivation. unfortunately, the waiting is impossible to avoid, but there are some ways for you to take your mind of things. all the hobbies you mentioned are things you engage in without any commitment. how'd you feel with starting something you had to go to? something you'd feel comfortable doing once you started it, but also something that'd make you go.

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💡161 Big Ceramic Seal ● 07 November, 2019 ⚓︎


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i went to my general doctor today, they changed the doctor i liked and put a new one in her place. on top of that i got to look at the report my therapist wrote for me based on our talk, and most of it is wrong although i wrote everything to her and used a translator beforehand so it would be as clear as possible. everyone misunderstands, my therapist doesn't care about me, my general doctor doesn't care about me and the hormones doctor appointment is in more than 5 months, and last time i went there i was sent home because "i didn't know what i wanted" when in reality they just didn't listen and dismissed everything i said, and refused to even try to give me birth control to stop my period. my therapist said in the paper that i'm fine although i told her i feel horrible most days of the week, and i want to die. it's like she didn't give a fuck about anything i said. i hate myself and i want to kill myself, no one cares about my sorry ass i don't really want to do anything to cope better, i don't really want to pursue my hobbies and my life can go to shit for all care. what's the point in fighting if even a therapist doesn't understand me and doesn't want to help me

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💡161 Big Ceramic Seal ● 07 November, 2019 ⚓︎


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more than 6 months* not 5 there aren't even available appointments and they'll just have to call me if they find one. so more than half a year for what? for the possibility to be dismissed a second time by people who don't even care to listen what i need. i'm sick and tired of everything. even birth control needs a doctor's note and my general doctor told me to basically wait half a year for that.. or just misunderstood what i'm saying again because she doesn't give a shit

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💡161 Big Ceramic Seal ● 08 November, 2019 ⚓︎


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i have never felt so extremely alone and helpless before

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💡135 💎2 Delightful Scarlet Jellyfish ● 16 March, 2020 ⚓︎


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hello there. first of all, i'm really sorry it took me so long to answer. some personal issues came along, some mental health related ones, and i haven't had the chance to come back here for some time. i hope life has been kind to you since the last time you posted. i understand how frustrated and how misunderstood you must have felt. sometimes, doctors find it hard to see beyond the clinical records. you see, sometimes it's really hard, even for them, to understand how their patient is feeling. i am, in no way, trying to find excuses to explain what went wrong, but (and i can't stress this enough) all the things you plan on doing that have an effect on your health (direct or indirectly) must be evaluated by a professional. if you see that you're not getting the right answers with the doctors you're currently seeing, please think about finding help elsewhere. once again, i'm really, really sorry for not being present. however, that doesn't mean that i don't care. that doesn't mean that i've forgotten about you. that doesn't mean that you're alone. right now, you're going through a rough path. and i can't begin to imagine how dark it can be. but, no matter how dark it gets, there's a light in the end. maybe it's not the light you want right now, but maybe it's what you'll need when the time comes. until then, please, stay strong.