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i'm struggling & i'm happy we exist;

posted by 💡17 Quirky Orchid Gazelle on 23 May, 2021

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hi there, i hope today's kind to you ! <3 please note the content warning of mentions of mental illness, trauma, family, work, homophobia, transphobia, racism, self-harm & suicide -- please note that i am safe, most of these are occasions in passing, i just wanted to ramble my thoughts out between therapy sessions, so please know this tends to be a text & emotionally heavy vent... as someone who is mentally ill and is dealing with childhood & accumulated trauma from my entire, immediate family & in an unemotionally supportive household while captioning the realities of the world at work, it is exhausting to live in a city and home where i feel isolated and after the suicide of my best friend, it still hurts, especially upon reliving it through the calls i caption while being unable to express how i feel to anyone at home unless i want things to worsen. i long to express myself for who i am, as someone who is gay and trans, yet i am not guaranteed whatever is left of my household if i were to, and since i cannot afford to live on my own while attending college and working (our family is already low-income, and i cannot work very long due to my mental and physical health) i can only try my best to be skillful, be kind, find hope, and take care when i can. i do not want to be as cruel as i feel the world can be, and i want to be a better person, i try to enjoy my interests and be critical of them, they tend to be the one thing i know in this home that will accept me, as well as my feelings, validate, and thank me for interacting with them; i'm also forever thankful for my online (best) friends who remind me there is love and goodness in the world, even if we may be separated by miles apart, i am beyond thankful for life, despite my years of self-harm and suicide attempts, i will be clean from now on, and i will live until my last breath, i will not die by my own hands no matter how much i feel it would be better, my suicidal baseline will not end me because i will live regardlessly. at times it is hard, though, i want to keep going. i'm just so tired and it hurts to deal with racism, discriminaton, homophobia, and transphobia on top of that... i know i am powerful, i know i am capable of being skillful, i know i can take care, i know i am worthy of love, friendship, happiness, and care, despite my struggles and household. i'm just tired, and i wish i could talk to my parents about how i feel, though, i will only be invalidated and i know this because this has been consistent in my life to the point that it is irrelevant to share the traumas i have experienced from my parents and siblings for they lack consistent empathy and validation towards me and continously fail to do so. i wish i had someone in this city, a dear friend i could trust and talk to about this, if possible, yet i don't, and i'm still trying to make friends, socializing & social cues have always been difficult for me, especially with the pandemic now. that's really all i have to say for now... thank you to anyone who reads this all, <3 i can share a piece of kindness i made for anyone else who needs a sign too, it's a little link to a document i made & try to share, which can be friendly reminder for us both...! thank you, even if you didn't read this, there are no worries, please know that i'm cheering you & i both on too... <3 (https://tinyurl.com/i-am-happy-you-exist)

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💡22 💎1 Sweet Mahogany Goldfinch ● 24 May, 2021 ⚓︎


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thank you for your support of others :) i am far removed from your situation, but it is sorrowful what your family has put you through. we wish that the people who are part of our family should care about us, yet such a thing is not always true. i'm truly glad you have those friends you spoke of. wishing you the best! ʕっ• ᴥ • ʔっ