posted by Anonymous on 10 April, 2020
it's 6 in the morning in here. i just woke up from a dream about school again, where i failed about something and ended up cutting my arm veins up with a utility knife in front of the teachers. i was supposed to get my graduation 2 years ago. but due to complications, i failed both other attempts to get it. i was supposed to get it when i was 18/19 but tomorrow i'm turning 21. due to the coronavirus the graduation was supposed to be on hold for october which was supposed to be the perfect opportunity to get myself together by that time and study more for the test, but yesterday on the news they announced that apparently, they will keep the original date which is may 6th next month... this month was rough for my depression and i feel like all the time i spent preparing for this again is lost, i forgot everything. i live with my 3 other siblings who are younger, but more successful than me and better at life than i am. i spend a lot of time in my room either cleaning up the house or in front of my computer. i can't stop thinking of comitting suicide at my birthday that's coming up tomorrow but at the same time, i'd feel bad because my mom had to go through a lot when i was a kid, especially when i was just about to born since i only had barely 50% chance to live and she really wanted me. she told me she cried when i first breastfed and how before i was born in the hospital whenever she heard another baby cry she cried for me cause she was scared i would never be born. i feel like i'm stuck and don't know what to do. i am a god's abomination. i was never meant to stay here. https://youtu.be/oyxrqw7y-h0
hey friend. first of all, its 11/4 here.. so "happy birthday!!" :* its sad that you are burdened with such heavy thoughts and dreams around/on your birthday but hear me out. you are one of the most complicated creations in the universe. you are the one who can choose to be awesome or otherwise. you are the one who can define what's success is about. yes, society has some standards designed for everyone. yes, you might feel a lil inferior to your siblings. but that doesn't mean youre any less. you would never ever know the desperation of a mother for her child. that shows how precious you are. and imo, that also says youre a born fighter. you fought your way when you had 50% chance and this test ? pfft, if you sit on it with decent amount of fovus and hardwork, its gonna be easy peasy for you. but thats what it needs, focus and hardwork. take sone time for yourself, try to gather yourself up. even if it feels like the weight of world is upon you, remember you are part of that world too. you can ease the weight on yourself. breathe. exercise. be kind to yourself. you can always take the test again. youre still 21. you dont need to participate in the rat race. take it easy on yourself. try covering whatever you can in this month. make sure to practice what youve read and give your best in the test. whatever the result would come..would be fine vecause hey! you gave it your all. that is what matters. i know the demons in our brain wont let you feel positive tut squish those buggers and outshine them!! we would totally cheer for you! just take care of yourself, darlin. :)
hey there! first of all, let me tell you i was really curious to know what was behind that youtube link, but, unfortunately, the video was deleted. second, as gentle polychromatic bear did, i'm gonna wish you a happy birthday. i understand you're having a rough time, you're surely dealing with some heavy things right now, but i hope you're having (or i hope you had) a decent day. you said you were never meant to stay here, but i strongly disagree. you had to go through a lot to be born and that's more than enough for me to know that the place you're standing in is yours and only yours, because you earned it. having suicidal thoughts is not something you want. rather, it's something you have to deal with. i'm pretty sure you didn't wake up one day and decided to have those thoughts. this means that you're not guilty, you don't have to feel bad for thinking about killing yourself. however, there are things that you can do about it, things you have the power to change. the corona virus situation has made it somewhat difficult to obtain mental health care. nevertheless, when you have the opportunity, i'd truly recommend you to find some help (that is, if you're not already under treatment). everything has a solution, but sometimes that solution is six feet under your own misery and only a professional can help you unearth it. i'd like you to read, once again, gentle polychromatic bear's words. they used an expression i really like: "you don't need to participate in the rat race". i understand you're eager to finish your graduation, i understand you think you should have finished it 2 years ago, but take it from someone who's right now in the same situation as you are. put yourself first and everything else will fall right into place. you didn't fail graduation the other two times, you simply didn't graduate because you had some complications. failing is what happens when you take the wheel and make some poor decisions. when there are things you can't control, you happen to be dealing with a setback. you have nearly a month to study. i don't know if that's enough, but it'll have to do. study on your own pace, don't let it overwhelm you and, when the day comes, simply go in there and do your best. maybe your best won't be what it could be if you took it on october, but that's okay, because things aren't always what they should be and we have to learn how to deal with that. however, i really hope you can be successful. good luck!