posted by Anonymous on 04 March, 2020
so i basically had a one night stand,(had sex the first date) even tho we would tlk and got pregnant however i decided to keep the baby, at first the father was 100% pushing me to get a abortion but i refused, later on he came around and actually got very excited and we actually worked out on the relationship. after spending time with him i realized i did not want his baby, so i attempted to abort of course i wasnt able to go through with it at the end , but he would basically threaten me and beg me not to go through with it, he would say that he would call the police on me if i abort bc its his baby too& tht if i didnt want the bby to just give it to him tht he wants it , after all of this i was like wow maybe i can have my little family and decided to stay, we basically dated i guess u can say. and out of no where he told me, "oh btw, youre not the only girl i have pregnant theres someone before you" i broke down in tears i was so upset bc he had me thinking the whole time that i was the only one, despite everything i had the support of my family, and my mom was like "its ok everyone makes mistakes" so i pushed passed it. we stayed together and for what i thought everything was fine, but come to find out he had a whole side chick, this girl was crazy! and would lie about when they where together, she would call me and do the most and eve wished death on my baby, and basically he was cheating on me with this bitch the whole time, now he would beat this girl and she liked him so much that she would send pics of her marks and be like "if he doesnt come back im pressing charges" and i got so tired , of him asking if he could use her for money so one day he jst up and left me at 8months prego and i was just super sad, its been about a year and i havent been able to have sex with anyone or even keep a conversation going long enough to get to know someone because i am sooo afraid to deal with this i havent let go it still hurts me believe it or not i did fall for this person, hes the father of my child.come to find out this gurl he cheated on me with was prego and shes having a girl so ever since then he completly ignored me & my daughter even though hes never seen her or met her, at all! he never put in the effort and the baby mom#1 he doesnt help her either, so i am a single mom! i feel so stuck . i dont know what to do with my life , sometimes i break down bc i feel like i am such a sucky mother i have no job, and this really does have a big toll on me, plus passed traumas as well man, i guess i just wanted to vent! what am i gonna tell my daughter?like what am i gonna do? i dont know , and theres so much more man! i had to get an emergency labor bc i was so stressed my baby wasnt due until late april and i gave birth a day after the first baby man ! this is crazy my life is stupid and trifling af i hate it but i really do love my bby idk man im so stck nd furious tht hes out here living his best life and ignoring my daughter
hey that truly sounds like an awful experience to have. i can't really imagine what it's like to go through that because i haven't come close to anything like that, although it sure sounds something traumatic enough to have me down all day for days. what i can say is, when that baby girl grows up, what she's going to remember is not him leaving as much as you staying. she's not going to remember him having the time of his life as much as when you fed her, went to her boring pta meetings, and helped her get through college. don't let his actions define you or your relationship with your daughter. yes a father is crucial to a balanced upbringing, but i wonder what type of father a deceptive man will make for your daughter; your daughter is too precious to let such people be around her! he is not fit for her! i can imagine tons of other gentlemen better suited to be your husband and her father!! or if no one shows up, then you're enough! your husband has made his choice, in a way he's done you a favour; if he stuck around longer he would only bring more deception and damage to you and your child. but if he wished you or your daughter harm, then he will see it, it is not your concern; it is not your duty to bring justice and recompense upon him (unless there is a practical breach of law). your duty is only to make your life the highest possibility. what are *you* going to do? having said that, please understand that this is not your average bend in the road, this is a full-on, massive, tornado of an event in your life. so you are damn right to be on here ranting for paragraphs. but online love doesn't make up for love in person. my advice to you is, please take care of yourself by reaching out to your support network. your mom sounds like she is a positive influence to you, so let her know how you feel and how you need her. look at other people in your support system as well. also, please find a trained professional to work with you. this is important because of as i mentioned earlier, this is not a normal event, it takes some time to heal and a professional touch can make sure the healing happens productively. as for being afraid to love again... i think you're afraid that you will love and you won't be loved back, in the respectful, productive, nurturing sort of way that love is supposed to be. but *you* can love freely (regardless of other people's actions), and you can love anyone, your daughter first and foremost. whether people love you back is not your business, because it is out of your control. i have a girlfriend of 5 years and she tells me she loves me every day. she tells me stuff she likes about me, she tells me the things that i do that she likes. all of this i construe as love. if tomorrow we break up, and her voice disappears, then this warm goeey feedback from the environment that i am worthy of love, that i am a wonderful human being, also disappears. if i didn't hear it anymore, i would think that i am not worthy of love anymore... *but* i could tell myself those same things.. that i love myself, that such and such are the things i like about myself, and such and such actions are the ones i like. i'm not saying be narcissistic, acknowledge your weakness too, but you can love yourself. when you do this, you will automatically display the qualities that are authentically you, and then you will attract the right people in your life.
hi there! recently, life hasn't been kind to you, has it? i'd like you to read friendly striped swan's words, because he comes, once again, with great wisdom to share. i'd like you to acknowledge how great you are for all you've been enduring, you're a freaking badass and there's nothing that can convince me otherwise. you are not to be blamed on everything that happened, you are experiencing a difficult situation, living a terrible experience, something no one should ever be faced with. however, i'd like to try to ease your mind on some of the things you've mentioned. first of all, you seem to have a good support network (you mentioned your mother and i could understand she is a very supportive person). hang onto that, grab onto it as hard as you can, because the people who support you are the people you must have by your side. then, i'd like you to understand that not having a paternal figure is better than having a defective one. your child may grow up and ask about her father, but, as friendly striped swan said, "when that baby girl grows up, what she's going to remember is not him leaving as much as you staying". those were some powerful words and i think they would serve as a great mantra. you're better off without him, both of you! also, i'd like to remember you, once again, that what you're doing is really valuable. you're raising that little girl, doing your job the best you can, and that's more than enough. trying your best is enough and it'll always be. you are more than enough for that baby girl. i'd like to add that, if you're feeling lost, broken, afraid to trust or to love, it is completely normal. of course, not all people are like him, but how do you tell them apart? right now, it's okay not to be in a relationship. you need some time to fix yourself, to mend your broken pieces. try to practice some self-love before giving it to anyone else. your daughter and your mother are also recipients for that love; i think that, for a little bit, the three of you (and maybe someone else i haven't mentioned, but that you still count) are more than enough. if you want to, one day, get back on the dating scene, it's okay. if you do it in a month or in a decade, it's your decision, and yours only. don't feel pressured to do anything you're not ready to do yet. take care of yourself, take care of your daughter. focus on the important things. if you think you'd be in a better position getting some professional help, i'd encourage you to do so. nevertheless, mellowtalk will always be here when you need it.