posted by Anonymous on 05 February, 2020
so now i am 20, but when i was 17 i had sex for the very first time. 5 months earlier i had my first kiss and boyfriend, i didn't even want him to take of his shirt, because i wasn't really ready for anything sexual and it felt akward. we were together for 2 months, so fast forward 5 months later i was out of the first relationship and liked another guy, with whom i started a relationship. on the second week of us beeing together we went on a hike with another friend. when the hike finished we droped of the friend, we were near my boyfriends house and he was driving the car. so my boyfrind said: -i will drive you home in 1 hour because then i have some work in the center of the city, i don't want to drive 2 times to there. all of that made sence to me and he didn't leave me any ather choice. i didn't know where i was and how to get home by my own, so i said ok. we went to his house, his parents and his sister were there. he lived on the whole last flor of the house. so i sat on a chair infront of his computer, but he came to me, he picked me up from the chair and started kissing me. (i am noting that he knew i was a virgin and told me he will wait for me) i was ok because it was kissing, he was my boyfriend i foolishly trusted him, so he took me on the bed and i was ok at first, but then he started pulling my clothes of. i wasn't comfortable and told him i don't want to have sex and he was like: we won't. he was touching me and i was like ok, he is 18, he had sex, i am his girlfriend, i felt like a prood. i felt that it was normal for him to want things from me. i was ok with the touching, but then he pulled his pants off and tried to put his penis inside of me. i pulled away and asked him: -what are you doing? he told me: -i am gust trying something. then he proceeded to ask me at least 15-20 times if i wanted to have sex with him. i said: -no, no, no, no...no and again no... he tried to pursuade me: -come on we have gone so far, why not, why are you scared? at the end he said: -ok, we will do it when you are ready. 1 minute later he held me down and proceeded to have sex with me and told me: -are you sure you are a virgin i didn't feel anything. at the same moment i was trying to get away. 2 seconds later he was sitting on top of me. he got closer to me and shuved his penis in my mouth, i almost cried and got away after a minute or two of strugling. i grabed my clothes and put them on. he had locked the door without me even nothising, his perents were on the first floor, in the yard there was a big dog (i am terified by big dogs). i felt trapped. he then stood up and was like: -i will drive you. and i let gim do it. i didn't know how to get home by my own. he acted like everything was normal. he drove me home and when i was at my house he asked me in a message: -is there blood? do you hurt? i was histerical, i cried on the phone to my girlfriend, but i couldn't bring myself to tell her what happened. i didn't break up with him. you may ask why? i lost my virginity by him, if i broke up with him the assault would have been real. i would admit that i was raped. that way i convinced myself that: i had sex with my boyfriend, i was in a relationship, it was ok, it wasn't a random guy, i was ready, but in fact it was the total opposite. we were togheter for 3 months until he decided he didn't need me anymore. he cheated on me, he treated me like garbige, but i couldn't help to leave him on my own.(i left the boy before him for telling me i needed a boob job, but i couldn't bring myself to break up with him, eventhoug he also told me i needed one). after that i was alone for almost a year and a half. from then till now i am with my current boyfriend and he is great. i tried telling him, but he thinks i am exaturating, he asks me: -why did you stay with him after what happened? he doesn't understand it and i feel so alone in this. my boyfrind always wanted to be with a virgin girl and i was not. i had sex with the guy that assaulted me a total of 4 times. i did not have sexual relations with ather guys and when my boyfriend brings it up i feel like i am about to cry. he says he is always second in life. i feel like a used bag of trash.
i'm sad to hear about your situation, hearing about these things makes me sad about the trauma certain types of masculinity can cause. i want to echo the point made above: kudos to you for having the courage to step and express yourself, and let it out. i am a male, and wanted to add my voice here. the person who assaulted you is a criminal, even if he wasn't prosecuted. he wanted your body, he didn't want the entirety of what your human being has to offer. he cheated on you and betrayed your trust. for your own reasons, you chose to be with him for another 3 months and continued to be involved sexually with him. i want to invite you to consider that this is *your* body, letting someone become intimate with you is a gift and honor reserved only for the highest of men. your current boyfriend seems to lack compassion. you've opened up to him about a traumatic event in your past, because you felt you could trust him completely. you needed his compassion, and to tell you that it wasn't your fault, that it doesn't diminish you in any way. you needed him to tell you that you are not responsible in any way for the actions of other people. but he didn't. is this a person you want to associate with? which raises the question: what do you value in a man? is it honesty? compassion? physical attractiveness? strength of character? intelligence? start noticing these things as you interact with men around you. please don't associate yourself with sub-par men. it is much better to be alone than in a relationship that doesn't build you up and empower you. as for dealing with the trauma, i highly encourage you to consult with a therapist. i know there are social stigmas around this, but they're ridiculous. most people have a support system (friends, family) that they go to when they need to fall into someone. but what do you do when people in your support system are not empowered to support you? you go to a trained professional who is. if this is too expensive for you, there are always cost-effective solutions near major universities, such universities usually have a therapist who can help. if even this is not available to you, please start building a strong support system. the way to know if you have a strong support system, is when the people you lean on help you grow, and feel empowered. i empathesize with your state, and know that anyone in your position would be feeling this, so you're not wrong to feel these emotions in any way. i wish you best :)
Anonymous ● 12 February, 2020 ⚓︎
im sorry to read your story and how you have been hurt and disrespected by ex. such selfish sexual behavour ; what he did was wrong and i totally understand your reaction and even the way you tried to rationalise it at the time. your current boyfriend is really not helping and causing you to feel alone and not listened. he is probably too young and immature to empathize with how you feel and may not understand it from a female perspective. you have taken a step to write and share your story anonymously you can try doing this more and talking about it online anonymously , then in person. this will all be therapy for you and help you move past it . the things you do in your life are also important to help you value yourself and strengthen your own positive identity. it is a sore point memory to think about and the worse thing to do is to feed into it. do not criticize yourself like that , that is very uncompassionate to yourself. that guy needs to be castrated , he is such a low life . a menace in this world. ill be honest , i feel treated and used for my body in my first relationship too when i look back its a sore point. i hate and feel embarrassed that i was ever associated with such a person and even more annoyed that i let him do that. i feel i need to go back in time and slap myself . but compassionately looking back and being real , i was needy and he exploited my vulnerabilities and the trust i had in him. its disgusting but that is the nature of some men ,snakes, and a lesson for my nativity. i help myself move past it and that whole relationship by doing better things to value myself and to expand that compassion for the many things painful and sad things that happen to others. also to learn to be happy with what i have now