posted by 💡5 Tall Leather Plover on 04 October, 2019
the title sums it up really. i'm 32 years old and living in poverty in a tiny flat that i can barely pay the rent for. i dreamed once id get out of poverty, instead i'm a waitress working late nights at minimum wage. i feel like i've made so many bad choices in my life and there's no way out for me. i dropped out of college when i got pregnant with my elder daughter and i moved in with someone who used to beat me up and treat me like shit. we broke up but since then i've had more than 10 boyfriends and most of them have treated me like dirt, but its even worse because now im alone and theres no one else to help pay the bills. ive got two daughters who i can barely afford to take care of and ive no time or money to invest in getting out of this hole cos im living paycheck to paycheck, and anyway i feel so depressed and hopeless most of the time so i can barely motivate myself to get through the day. seriously my life feels like a nightmare i cant get out of. i can't pay my electricity bill and im constantly two months behind on the rent. i have no contact with my family, i dont know if they are still alive and they were abusive to me when i was with them, and i have barely any friends who can help out. i feel so tired and desperate all the time. i smoke way too much, i know it wastes money but i feel like ill always be poor anyway and it gives me energy that helps me get through the day. i'm terrified of ending up homeless but my flat is a wreck anyway, its dirty and nothing works and i have no money to fix it. i feel so ashamed to write this but my hygiene is shit, i can barely pay my water bills so i dont shower that often and also honestly when i get home i am so tired that i often just crawl into bed without showering or brushing my teeth. i wear dirty clothes, so do my kids, cos we dont have a washer or a dryer and the launderette costs money i dont have. i try so hard to make sure my daughters are well fed and clean but its so tough sometimes and they get bullied anyway at school for being poor and having no money. my eldest daughter is really struggling at school, shes failing math even though shes trying hard but she's been dumped in a low set with kids who dont want to learn and arent trying. i feel so sad about it because i dont want her to end up like me but the school wont help and i cant help, i dont understand the work either. it feels like theres no way out for us if it wasnt for the food bank we wouldnt be able to afford to eat some days. i have rotten teeth and i need root canal work doing but surprise bloody surprise it costs money i dont have so i just struggle on. i used to be like fairly pretty but i look at myself in the mirror nowadays and without makeup i just look like a total mess. i dont know how to get myself out of this and i feel like the rest of my life is just gonna be full of this nightmare.
first of all, you are a really strong person. even if there's no one to help you pay the bills, you made the decision to distance yourself from those people who were hurting you and you deserve to know how proud that makes me. it doesn't matter if the people who hurt you are your friends, your family or your boyfriends, they don't deserve your time, your love or even your consideration. let me just tell you that, sometimes, i cannot help but think that the world is just an insanely unfair mess. the choices you made were the choices you made, it doesn't matter if they could be better or not, it's important for you not to dwell on the past and to continue living in the present and for the future. try to make the best choices now. i bet your kids are really proud of you and i bet they acknowledge the efforts you make to raise them well. the school should be helping them get a better start in life. if you feel like the school isn't doing a proper job, try talking to your children and ask them if there's any teacher they trust. then, go talk to that teacher and try to explain your situation (notice that you don't have to tell them everything, just what you feel comfortable with. maybe say you're struggling financially and, about your eldest, say that she really needs help with math). usually, teachers know how to help the kids in school and, when forewarned about any situation, they get to keep an eye on the kid. school isn't just about teaching science or literature, it's about providing children the tools they'll need in the future. if the school isn't doing that, it's failing miserably. also, if you see your kids are getting harmed, get help from the school counselor. bullying is never okay! it's okay for you to get help and i can see that, right now, you need it the most. you mentioned the food bank, and sure, food is a basic need, but try to search more institutions and foundations to help you with your health, for example. look into it, get as much help as you possibly can. however, no matter what you do, please don't lose hope! i can understand you're struggling with a difficult situation, something that's been going on for some time now, but you have to believe things will get better. do it for you and do it for your children. it's going to take some time to get your life back on the tracks, but it'll happen. remember that good things come to those who wait, but better things come to those who stand up and take action! find help just like you found us. and don't forget to come here if you need to vent, i'm always around to listen. on a final note, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. and, to me, your soul is beautiful. i'm sure the rest is just not that important to the people who love you, the only ones who you should care about. take care!
thanks for bothering to read what i wrote and your really kind saying i'm a strong person. but i don't feel strong, i just feel worn out and ground down by life. ive spent my whole life having to survive on my own and being betrayed by people ive poured out my heart to. i grew up in poverty with a mom who was a drug addict and left me to bring myself up, i was treated abusively, i grew up feeling so alone with no one who really cared about me and ive spent too much of my life wanting to share it with someone who would take care of me and love me which means ive like jumped into relationships with people who were no good for me and only hurt me. yeah i did make the decision to end them but id usually end up a few months later with someone else who also treated me like dirt. when i think back on it i dont feel strong at all, just desperate and lonely. when you have no money and your scared you wont be able to pay the rent then its easy to fall for anyone who makes you feel special even for a night. i love my kids so much and i feel like theyre really the only good things in my life. i think whatever else ive messed up ive been an ok mother seeing how much else i have to deal with. there've been times ive struggled like hell and ive not always been there for them as much as i should have but i have definitely given them a better childhood than i had, i think they know i love them and they love me back, and im proud that they are turning into kind, lovely young women. as for school though i despair. the place isnt any good, its doing ok for my younger daughter cos she is more good at like academic subjects and so shes in classes with people who actually want to learn. but my elder daughter has never been good at academic subjects like math and english, shes really talented at art though, so was i when i was her age but i never had the chance to do anything about it. but because shes not really good at academic stuff she gets abandoned with all the people who dont care and arent trying. half the people in her class are on drugs and she tells me stories of how there are like chair fights in the lessons and so on. she works hard and wants to do well, shes barely been in trouble there and behaves well but its impossible to learn anything in that shitty school. i desperately want to pull her out of there and send her to a school full of nice kids but i dont have that choice. as for the bullying its not that bad and they cope with it themselves, its just like they get called names and made fun of for having worn out clothes and other girls call them smelly and so on. its only name calling nothing worse and they deal with it well themselves but i so wish they didn’t have to go through that. yeah your right, i definitely need to get help with so many things, i need to take care of myself better, i basically survive on a diet of cold baked beans from a tin as it is and i need to quit smoking and get my teeth sorted, and obviously my mental health is basically terrible, i manage to get through cos i always have done and i have to stay strong for my kids, but there are nights when i literally cry myself to sleep. maybe beauty is in the eye of the beholder and its so nice of you to say that but i don’t feel very beautiful inside or outside. inside i feel like a tired mess whos made so many bad choices and ive done things im really really ashamed of just to survive and have the money to pay the rent and buy food and take care of my kids. i don’t really wanna talk about it on a public forum but you can probably guess the sort of stuff i mean. and outside im 32 and look 15 years older than that, and most people are not as non judgmental as you are being and they judge you for how you look. and i look a real mess, i have to cover myself in makeup to cover up my bad skin, i wear tatty charity shop clothes that arent clean and smell of cigarettes and sweat, i look tired and dirty, my teeth are yellow and frankly my breath stinks. when you look like a hopeless basket case that’s what people see you as. i applied for a job as a secretary a few months ago and i could actually have done the work but they turned me down because i ‘didnt fit the corporate image’. i wont lose hope and i desperately hope things get better, im trying to drag myself out of this by applying for better jobs and so on, but its hard when you feel depressed and weary and ive not been having much luck. but thanks for trying to cheer me up, its kinda worked.
it's normal for you to feel that way. you've been fighting for so long that being tired or exhausted is nothing but a regular outcome. the fact that you can analyze your past and understand what went wrong is a very good sign. as a matter of fact, even if most of it is not your fault (like your mother's neglect), the truth is that you still have the power to overcome negative situations, like getting out of those bad relationships. you understand you got into them because you felt susceptible and, from now on, you can improve. you'll think two times before getting into a new one that could cause you harm. it's hard to blame you on that, because you have a difficult past that you're still learning how to deal with. i can assure you you've been a great mother, because only a mother who cares about her children can put herself in the position to ask for help. i really hope that, one day, someone sees in your daughter the talent she has, someone that is able to invest in her, that can help her grow as an artist. and i understand you're giving them the best you can, which makes you a terrific mother, but i really hope that they'll get lucky, that they'll get an opportunity to show the world how great they can be. it's good for you to vent. and there'll always be someone in here who's ready to listen. you don't have to thank me for that, trust me, i just want you to get an opportunity to change your life. and i care about you. and, like me, someone will care. and, unlike me, that person will have the chance to really help you turn your life around. don't lose hope!