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i think i’ve given up

posted by Anonymous on 25 April, 2020

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just to start, i haven’t given up on being alive - i dont want to die (well most of the time anyway, but we all have our moments). i think i’ve come to accept loneliness or at least i think i have given up my battle against it. as a child and through my teens and early/mid twenties, i had lots of friends and a couple of very close friends who i could confide in and depend on. romantic interests were never hard to come by. but then amongst several life altering events starting in my mid-late twenties, all of my friendships seemed to fall apart. one in particular was my best friend who i was living with, who one day decided she didn’t want to be my friend anymore. she stopped talking to me and would deliberately ignore me. it got nasty. she even rung the landlord and lied about me destroying property to get me evicted. i have spent many many hours trying to reflect on why these have all happened, but have struggled to come up with an answer. the one i mentioned i think was related to her doing drugs. initially when this all started happening, i turned to cutting, but the scars upset me. seeing them reminds me of the emotional pain. so i turned to eating and put on a huge amount of weight. i have not had a romantic partner since i put that weight on, and while i missed the intimacy, i didn’t want anyone to see my body and didn’t think anyone would want to see it anyway. with the life changing events behind me, i wanted to rebuild my life. i had no friends and no romantic partner. i had managed to lose the weight and felt ready for a relationship. but then - no one was or is interested in me. i did try, i really did. maybe i could have done more, but i dont want to look like a desperate loser. no one really knows that i don’t have any friends and i don’t want them to. i’m so embarrassed. and that’s why i think i’ve given up. it’s just easier to be alone. at least without friends in the first place i dont have to worry about the friendship falling apart. and if i give up on the idea of a relationship, i dont have to worry about my body and whether someone would even want to be with me. i would love to become a mother, but i think the donor/ivf route is going to be the best route for me now. its expensive, but it doesn’t depend on someone finding me attractive. i wish socially i could go back 20 years to my teens, but i think it really might just be easier to be alone.

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💡121 💎2 Delightful Scarlet Jellyfish ● 30 April, 2020 ⚓︎

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hello there! it's in situations like yours that i feel the need to break everything into pieces. first, all those life-altering events that made your friendships crumble. then, the way you dealt with your pain, which lead you into a lonelier path. lastly, the romantic lane and your necessity to give up. we shall start from the beginning. you said you spent a lot of time trying to understand how it all happened, how all of your friendships fell apart. well, first of all, it's normal for friendships to end when you start entering in your adult years. unfortunately, you rarely keep the same friends. then, there's the fact that you had to go through some life changing situations, which certainly made an impact on you and changed you as a person, which may have led some people away (you know, those who are in only for the good times). i know you thought about why all those people left, but where were you putting the blame? was it your fault or was it their fault? from all those friendships you lost, i understand the hardest to deal with might have been your best friend, because not only was she someone close to you, but because she also threw you under the bus and put you under worst circumstances. now, i want you to reconsider. is this someone you think should be by your side? all those unbearable situations made you crave a way to deal with the pain. that's when you started cutting (momentarily) and binge eating. i understand completely why you resorted to these methods, but i want you to remember they are not okay. they are harmful and injurious and, if you ever feel the need to resort to them once again, i'd like you to come here and talk to us before doing something regrettable. carrying on, all the binge eating made you gain a bit of weight, which altered your body image. now, this is something i want to address. being ashamed of your own body or being unsatisfied with it may lead you down a problematic path. for a lot of people, this kind of issues undermine their confidence and make them feel worthless or even ugly. i want you to know you're not anything of the sort. once again, if you ever feel the need to talk about it, come to mellowtalk. you then wanted to rebuild your life, lost that weight and went back into the dating scene. now, before i go any further, let me just ask you: you lost weight, but did you start feeling comfortable with your body or was the damage already done? i understand you tried to make everything like it was before, but are you the same person you were in your teens? are you even the same person you were a year ago? you said you "could have done more", but let me disagree. in fact, you could have done it differently. nevertheless, it's not your fault. maybe you didn't perceive all this, because of how underwhelmed you were. seeing everything in a different light, do you still feel the need to give up? or would you like to try it again, just one more time? if your answer is the second, we can start working on it immediately. if it is the first, well then, i still have the time to convince you otherwise.