posted by Anonymous on 22 December, 2020
found something out a few days ago, and i just need to tell someone. i don’t really have any friends these days and it’s not something i can tell my family. i found out a few days ago that a dance teacher i had who molested me when i was 13 (now 36) was murdered on the other side of the world. i never told anyone at the time. it wasn’t until he showed up at my school assembly to do a demonstration that i had a complete meltdown and ran from the school hall that i first told a couple of friends what had happened. 4 years later i was working at a starbucks when i see him walk in the door. again i freaked out and ran out the back and hid under my bosses desk scratching the back of my neck till it bled. i had to tell my boss why i was having a full blown meltdown, but he was good and let me stay there until he left the store. i haven’t seen the abuser since and i haven’t told anyone else about him since then either. finding out he was murdered was a shock. i still don’t know how i feel. for years i fantasised about what i would do to him if i could, how i would hurt him. apparently he was violently beaten to death. and know i don’t know how i feel. reading the story was almost like seeing him again. fear and anxiety. then anger. i always thought him being dead would make me happy, but i don’t know how i feel. i wish i had someone to talk this through with in person, but i’m so grateful this is here so i can at least get this off my chest. thank you to anyone who listens.
dear anon, im so sorry you've experienced that. i cant even imagine the turmoil going on within you. all i can offer are some warm virtual hugs. im glad your boss was supportive and gave you some time to gather yourself up. i dont know what to say but one thing is for sure, you'll always have the upper hand over that experience. and what you're feeling is understandable, as even if the person is no more ,the agitation that experience has left behind is still there. and from few of mine own, im afraid they might not leave. the only thing is, they will definitely hurt a bit less with time. and there'll be you standing strong. i assure you, my friend. we're all here and we hear you. sounds a bit omnious but the tone is quite friendly! ^^' (sorry for the lame joke) much strength, love and good vibes to you.
Anonymous ● 26 December, 2020 ⚓︎
thanks - i appreciate your kind words and support. ive struggled on and off with major depression since childhood, and this year was a particularly bad one with relentless thoughts of ending everything. i thought i had managed to come out the other side, but since this news i can feel myself slipping again. the fact i’ve managed to make over quarter of a century of battling these feelings and i’m still standing.... i just need to fight and get through this again. i guess it’s just made everything so fresh again. and then you start to think of everything else. argh, if only i could somehow bleach my mind and forget. i know they say experiences build character, but i don’t want the character those experiences gave me. i just want to forget. i wish there was a way. but i guess i’ll get through this, just like i always do.
its good to hear back from you, anon. it has been indeed a tough year. im glad and proud of you that despite how's everything been, you're trying to push forward. and im sure you'll get to the better side. also, its okay to reach out for help when needed. try to meet a therapist. it might be helpful to learn and you can effectively tackle this. much love. take care.