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life with grief (tw: abuse m, sui m)

posted by 💡5 Quirky Orchid Gazelle on 17 April, 2019

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hello there, i hope today's been kind to you ! to sum up, i lost my best friend and my only irl friend to suicide last summer, and this is just a vent about it, there's no need to read it, though, thank you so much for checking this out, and i hope the rest of your day will treat you well... <3 since i lost my best friend, i still blame myself for his suicide since we had a falling out, and he blamed himself, and had a hard time coping with everything on his own, although he was abusive, i don't blame him for what he did since he never really got to learn what a healthy relationship is. although it doesn't justify his actions or how unhealthy our friendship/relationship was, however i was still his only support despite him making me the only one to be his therapist in a sense, and he pressured me into saying yes to him repeatedly. i don't really care about his abuse or manipulation anymore now. i just miss him every day so much, no one can replace him and nothing can truly express what it feels like... his mother particularly was the worst in his treatment towards him and his sister and his home life wasn't the best, much like mine. although his father and sister were kinder to me, they did not really acknowledge how close we were, none of them did. he let me know i am his closest and dearest friend to him in the world, yet to his family, i felt more like a stranger and someone his mother always wanted me to be away from him due to her being unaccepting of other races/religions outside of her own... i just miss him so much and i wish things didn't turn out the way they did. i try my best to not blame myself though his mom still tries to manipulate me for answers to things she doesn't want to hear, and i wish they got him the help he needed, they neglected him there. and the last time i cried at home, my father put his hands on me and my mother just told me to "get over" his suicide... they're emotionally absent, so i have to cry away from home, so when i have to stay at home, it just really hurts since i can never express myself and only he understood how close we were, it really hits home when my parents just say get over his suicide without me even bringing it up... i just, i don't know, it just really hurts to still not be supported after all this time, my family acts like he never existed when he was and is the only friend i ever truly had irl and my best one, and none of my online friends know how to support me, especially since i can't express myself about this at home, so it hurts so bad, and now i'm too scared to get close to anyone else because of the trauma of losing him, i'm very grateful to have medicaid and access to therapy, though, it took me being put on a legal hold as a minor and a threat of cps to finally receive it, my best friend turned 18, so there was no repercussions to force his family to help him and that hurts my hearts... other than that, i don't know, i just needed someplace open to vent about this since i can't cry at home or get any support at all, when i try to support his family, his mother blames me and hurts me, and it hurts too much to talk to his sister, so just thank you to anyone who listened to this, it means a lot to me... <3




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Anonymous ● 21 April, 2019 ⚓︎


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thank you for telling us. i can't relate but i just want you to know we are all so sorry

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💡5 Quirky Orchid Gazelle ● 25 April, 2019 ⚓︎


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thank you too for your kindness, sympathy, and taking the time to listen, i really appreciate it, and i really hope that today's been sweet to you <3

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Anonymous ● 21 April, 2019 ⚓︎


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you're so strong. thank you

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💡5 Quirky Orchid Gazelle ● 25 April, 2019 ⚓︎


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thank you kindly too, you're so strong for seeing strength in me as well, and you've been strong enough to get through all of your days too, thank you for listening, i really appreciate that <3

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Anonymous ● 21 April, 2019 ⚓︎


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its definitely not your fault and any guilt you feel is just a side effect of the grief. time heals all wounds. good luck and thank you for sharing

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💡5 Quirky Orchid Gazelle ● 26 April, 2019 ⚓︎


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thank you too for not blaming me, as well as helping me keep in mind of grief's emotional effects, and for your well wishes of luck, and for your reminder, as well as taking the time to listen, i am very appreciative & i wish you all the best too on all of your adventures <3

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Cool Indigo Peafowl ● 03 May, 2019 ⚓︎


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i just wanted to say that it is not your fault. you need to rember him in your mind and appreciate his memories and the time he had. you will find people in this world that are truely good people and want to give you everything but you have to give everything back. i hope that you feel better. the best thing in life is to help people and teach them even if they do not think they need it.