💡81 Big Ceramic Seal

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🎂 22 October, 2019

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posts by Big Ceramic Seal

reason for why i prefer to be dead
26 October, 2019
22 insights
prefer to be dead
25 October, 2019
8 insights

insights from Big Ceramic Seal

reason for why i prefer to be dead
08 November, 2019
⚓︎ i have never felt so extremely alone and helpless before

reason for why i prefer to be dead
07 November, 2019
⚓︎ more than 6 months* not 5 there aren't even available appointments and they'll just have to call me if they find one. so more than half a year for what? for the possibility to be dismissed a second time by people who don't even care to listen what i need. i'm sick and tired of everything. even birth control needs a doctor's note and my general doctor told me to basically wait half a year for that.. or just misunderstood what i'm saying again because she doesn't give a shit

reason for why i prefer to be dead
07 November, 2019
⚓︎ i went to my general doctor today, they changed the doctor i liked and put a new one in her place. on top of that i got to look at the report my therapist wrote for me based on our talk, and most of it is wrong although i wrote everything to her and used a translator beforehand so it would be as clear as possible. everyone misunderstands, my therapist doesn't care about me, my general doctor doesn't care about me and the hormones doctor appointment is in more than 5 months, and last time i went there i was sent home because "i didn't know what i wanted" when in reality they just didn't listen and dismissed everything i said, and refused to even try to give me birth control to stop my period. my therapist said in the paper that i'm fine although i told her i feel horrible most days of the week, and i want to die. it's like she didn't give a fuck about anything i said. i hate myself and i want to kill myself, no one cares about my sorry ass i don't really want to do anything to cope better, i don't really want to pursue my hobbies and my life can go to shit for all care. what's the point in fighting if even a therapist doesn't understand me and doesn't want to help me

reason for why i prefer to be dead
05 November, 2019
⚓︎ i have a huge interest in hiking and bushcraft, but never got to do either of these yet. i plan to one day walk the camino de santiago, or hike the pct trail (obviously the latter is a whole lot more extreme, so maybe not). i have a hobby for collecting hobbies :p if i get interested in something, i try it. that's how i got into leathercraft, i draw (good according to others), and a bunch of other things. sadly when i'm down i tend to ditch all of my hobbies and interests, only one survives which is math. i'd love to fix my stuff so i can run/walk and eventually get into hiking, and i'd like to feel better so i can pursue my other hobbies. i will get professional help perhaps in a month, i've now been waiting for 3 months and the wait has made things so much worse, do you know how to deal with something like that? i dont know of any other things i can do to accept myself more than this for the time being, i think i just have to wait more as i feel these's just nothing i can do aside from what i've already done.

reason for why i prefer to be dead
04 November, 2019
⚓︎ thank you :) best of luck with your studies too! bet you'd become a great doctor/nurse so i've a small question, do med students' handwriting start deteriorating in university, or does it only start when you start working as a doctor hahaha seriously though thank you for the encouragement, infact i'll go get something sweet to eat on your behalf!

reason for why i prefer to be dead
04 November, 2019
⚓︎ i feel like i'm being extremely moody here, one day i'm 100% logical and the other i'm a hot mess, i don't know. it also feels so strange but nice at the same time to get support like this, i've always felt so undeserving of any sort of emotional help. you know i go sometimes to a therapist, but she never makes me feel as good as this, so thank you. it makes me wonder if you're a professional therapist too! (no need to disclose) the real issue with breaking this cycle is periods. they're a cycle too, and i cannot stop them. they make me feel absolutely horrible and out of control of my own body. another thing is the discharge. these things are like reminders for me, maybe it's good to get rid of them first? when you said some things are impossible to avoid and would impair my life if i did so, they're the first thing that came to mind. i'm really upset by not being able to go to the doctor at the moment.. i also had to miss a therapist visit that was around 15 days ago, now i have to ask for another and the waiting times for these are high. my mom is on vacation here, can't really go to the doc freely for this issue with her around, she'll leave in around 1-2 weeks (i've been waiting for that to happen for 3 months) so i can finally go to my general doc, then from there on ask to be transferred to a hormones doc, which would most likely be 1-2 months of waiting. these waits are killing me. not being able to help myself at all during these 3 months has made my life worse. all i can do while i suffer is wait and wait and wait, do you know how can i deal with this better? i try to do things but my list of activities is somewhat limited due to the stupid amount of discharge i get. also i've been talking to people in my same position right now (found some on reddit) and they're being helpful too, not very reassuring because these kinds of things don't always go away, but insightful nonetheless. sorry if i'm a big talked, it relieves some stress and there isn't anyone else who's willing to listen. i'm very tired now so i think it's time to sleep, have a good night/day depending on where you are :)

reason for why i prefer to be dead
03 November, 2019
⚓︎ i've been recently thinking about having my tubes tied, paired with an endometrial ablation. this way i'm permanently sterile with very little side effects, and the ablation means no period (although i'm not sure about the ablation, i know the uterine lining can regrow, especially at my age) and all this is obviously hypothetical, any surgeon can just deny all this. i'm in a very lgbt friendly country though and my therapist *might* help me pursue that even if i don't plan on fully transitioning. i'll also go to a doctor like i said, but all of this is extremely hard and awkward for me. i'm in a new country and i can barely speak the language. all doctor and therapist visits scare the hell out of me because of the language barrier. i'm quite busy with something right now, thanks a lot for your support <3

reason for why i prefer to be dead
03 November, 2019
⚓︎ all you said is true and makes sense, my plans are to get more comfortable are all logical and good. but it seems i'm stuck in this cycle forever. i make plans and make things make sense, prepare for the doctor visit, pretend that everything will be ok, all to feel better. but at the end of the day the realization hits me just as hard as the first time, that i'll never be male. i'll never have a penis, i'll never fully get rid of discharge, i'll never stop getting wet and ruining my underwear everytime i'm slightly turned on, i'll never have sex with my partner the way i want, i'll never be off hormones and no surgery in the world that can help me comes with side effects that are not worse than what i already experience, i will never feel free. this will still be true if i transition (that's why i don't want to transition). im stuck being alive and beneath all that logical talk and feeling slightly better, the truth is i don't want to live on, but i'm forced to. i really want to cry. how can i ever address that.. all i do is push it away because everytime i try to face it, i feel horrible. when i ignore it, it comes back to bite me in the ass and i feel more horrible. i've been avoiding every single thought that leads up to this for the past week, but i can't fully avoid looking at guys, talking to guys, not thinking of anything intimate at all, not looking at my body at all. i can't avoid these things and they build up and build up and build up and today i finally burst. woke up multiple time this morning then went back to sleep to avoid life. but then i couldn't fall back to sleep again, and finally burst out crying. i feel really bad right now what can i do :(

reason for why i prefer to be dead
03 November, 2019
⚓︎ thank you so much for being here it warms my heart. don't worry about the moving aspect, it was amazing. i was born, raised and taught in a very very anti lgbt country, very sexist and misogynistic. i am extremely glad to be out for good! i don't regret anything and i don't miss anything at. only bad thing is i was very undereducated, and now i'm struggling so much to be on par with people my age, education wise. i tried having talks with my dad. usually ends up with him mocking me, especially if god forbid i do some tiny arithmetic error while talking about my grades :/ lately he's been calling me names for wanting to pick something i like that's challenging (i hear him talk to mom and call me names, then he denies he said them) he also keeps rushing me to get in to uni very aggressively, i've only recently just hit 19, so i don't understand all the hurry.. but to be fair he doesn't know im depressed and probably thinks im just very lazy for doing nothing somedays. issue is i can't tell him, nor my mom. this is how their stupid culture works. if i tell him: he won't take it seriously, he'll think im a slacking loser, he'll think me not doing things is the source of my depression rather than the other way around. if i tell mom: she'll probe me day and night for the reasons and if i say the truth she'll think im crazy, she'll try to "cure" me with religious stuff and very bad sexist advice. it would ruin any shred of a relationship left between us. i don't resent them, that's sadly how they've been brought up but man i wish it was different. it hurts to have to lie 24/7 with them. it hurts that they see me do unexplainable things because they don't know anything about my depression, thus they think im stupid, thus they think i shouldn't be intrusted with my own life and my own choices yet. regarding the other things, i understand that i need to see a professional about my health (and i most definitely will very soon) i also understand most people here cant help with that kind of talk, all they can do is listen. but these things bothers me tremendously. talking about my doctor plans and/or my treatment options takes away some stress off it. it's ok if the medical conversation is one sided. i just need to let these things out, you know?

reason for why i prefer to be dead
02 November, 2019
⚓︎ can we work on that? i don't know if you'll see this response, and i've no clue how we can talk together, the wait times are quite high. it's really hard to find someone to talk to, let alone find you. but either way, i'm glad too that i've moved to a better place, i couldn't even get a therapist where i used live. the education is a lot better, much nicer people. overall my life improved a ton. to answer your question i'm not too sure what i want to major in, perhaps something math related. it'll be really challenging but math is fun! i'll go get a doctor's opinion on the discharge, it might be all normal (worst case scenario) but maybe there's something wrong and maybe a doctor can fix it. im trying really hard to get more comfortable with my body, recently i found wearing men's underwear helps to some extent so i ordered some pairs. i'll ask my general doctor to transfer me to someone specialized with hormones and we'll see what options i have to stop period and maybe lessen discharge. it scares me because these things can cause weight gain and depression.. but seems like it's my only option. i think my therapist will also refer me to someone who can help with prescribing a really tiny testosterone dose, and some topical testosterone cream. again i'll have to wait and see how this all goes. all options for surgery are kind of high risk, for example hysterectomy (removing the uterus) will most definitely cause prolapse along the way, so that's out of the question, although i really want that. thanks for checking in :) talking about this helps me sometimes

prefer to be dead
25 October, 2019
⚓︎ woops, that's me typing up there. i forgot to sign in