⚓︎please don't kill yourself. i'm praying this did not reach you too late or that it even reaches you but please do not kill yourself.
it's okay to lack direction. i just graduated last month and i'm just about the same. i had no direction and had a garbage gpa every year of highschool. all of my friends had dreams to be film directors and surgeons, and ultimately i had nothing. i didnt think i would have anything and figured i would just end up working a dead end job all my life.
however, just before the beginning of senior year, i found that i really enjoyed cooking. i didn't think i would enjoy it nearly as much as i did and i hadn't really thought about turning it into a career, but now i aspire to own a restaurant.
it wasn't too late for me and i promise it isn't too late for you. you'll find something you enjoy if you search for it. life isn't over after highschool, there'll be more opportunities, so please don't cut it off now.
⚓︎personally, i dont believe it's abnormal to think about it. intrusive thoughts happen to everyone. sometimes while i hold a fork or a knife, i wonder about what it would be like if i gouged out my right eyeball. i now that sounds really odd, and of course i would never do it nor do i wish any harm on myself. despite that, the thought remains.
ultimately, my point is that it isn't abnormal to have thoughts like these, and it is instead the thoughts we act upon that define us.