⚓︎hey just so you know as an update on how im doing, i went to the dentist and it wasnt actually as bad as i was worried about. the dentist said he could tell they were bad but he's seen worse and i had to have two of them out cos they were the ones that were causing massive toothache and they were basically rotted out, but three of the others that were rotted can be saved apparently. i get government aid towards it and it doesnt pay for it all but it means i can just about cope with the cost if i spread it out a bit. so im feeling a little bit better right now. its a small thing i know but when anything goes right it gives you a bit of a boost.
⚓︎thank you. im trying to be as strong as i can for them but honestly no, it feels like there hasnt been much positive development in my life for a long time right now. ive been stuck in a dead end waitressing job for six years. ive got no qualifications and the only men in my life have always treated me like dirt.
i dont think im a stupid person, i feel like i could do so much better in my life, but instead i spent my teenage years basically an alcoholic and i got pregnant at 16. i was neglected and dirt poor as a child and i fell in with a bad crowd and i just ruined my life really. i know you say i shouldnt dwell on the choices ive made but i feel ive trapped myself into this. i have no employable skills and no job prospects. i wake up every morning feeling like shit and like its going to be a massive struggle just to get through the day. i look like a wreck without covering my face in makeup and i know that people i meet judge me and think im lazy and dirty and judge me and my family for being poor. yeah i am trying so hard to make better choices now but whats the point when my life is already basically ruined. i hold it together most of the time for the sake of my kids but it hurts so much, its hard not to cry sometimes.
ive been having really bad toothache too over the last couple of days, on top of feeling really ill with a cold. im going to the dentist tomorrow for the first time in like years to try and get it sorted but im so scared of how much will be wrong and how much it'll cost to fix, i know i have rotted teeth and ive not taken care of them properly for years. i try to hide them when i smile because theyre so yellow and they look so bad. probably can't afford to get it fixed properly cos i have literally no money beyond what i need to pay for food and to pay the rent. i just want something to stop it hurting to be honest.
only good thing that has happened lately is i had a chat with my landlord couple days ago and honestly he was actually really nice and he said he understood i was struggling and not to worry if i cant always pay on time or if i cant get all the money to him. so that's actually really fair of him i think and im lucky hes not a total nightmare like the landlord in the last flat i rented. but yeah other than that there havent really been any positive things, its just been a miserable week when ive felt really bad most of the time. thanks for reading my rant anyway, im glad people care.
⚓︎thanks for bothering to read what i wrote and your really kind saying i'm a strong person. but i don't feel strong, i just feel worn out and ground down by life. ive spent my whole life having to survive on my own and being betrayed by people ive poured out my heart to. i grew up in poverty with a mom who was a drug addict and left me to bring myself up, i was treated abusively, i grew up feeling so alone with no one who really cared about me and ive spent too much of my life wanting to share it with someone who would take care of me and love me which means ive like jumped into relationships with people who were no good for me and only hurt me. yeah i did make the decision to end them but id usually end up a few months later with someone else who also treated me like dirt. when i think back on it i dont feel strong at all, just desperate and lonely. when you have no money and your scared you wont be able to pay the rent then its easy to fall for anyone who makes you feel special even for a night.
i love my kids so much and i feel like theyre really the only good things in my life. i think whatever else ive messed up ive been an ok mother seeing how much else i have to deal with. there've been times ive struggled like hell and ive not always been there for them as much as i should have but i have definitely given them a better childhood than i had, i think they know i love them and they love me back, and im proud that they are turning into kind, lovely young women. as for school though i despair. the place isnt any good, its doing ok for my younger daughter cos she is more good at like academic subjects and so shes in classes with people who actually want to learn. but my elder daughter has never been good at academic subjects like math and english, shes really talented at art though, so was i when i was her age but i never had the chance to do anything about it. but because shes not really good at academic stuff she gets abandoned with all the people who dont care and arent trying. half the people in her class are on drugs and she tells me stories of how there are like chair fights in the lessons and so on. she works hard and wants to do well, shes barely been in trouble there and behaves well but its impossible to learn anything in that shitty school. i desperately want to pull her out of there and send her to a school full of nice kids but i dont have that choice. as for the bullying its not that bad and they cope with it themselves, its just like they get called names and made fun of for having worn out clothes and other girls call them smelly and so on. its only name calling nothing worse and they deal with it well themselves but i so wish they didn’t have to go through that.
yeah your right, i definitely need to get help with so many things, i need to take care of myself better, i basically survive on a diet of cold baked beans from a tin as it is and i need to quit smoking and get my teeth sorted, and obviously my mental health is basically terrible, i manage to get through cos i always have done and i have to stay strong for my kids, but there are nights when i literally cry myself to sleep.
maybe beauty is in the eye of the beholder and its so nice of you to say that but i don’t feel very beautiful inside or outside. inside i feel like a tired mess whos made so many bad choices and ive done things im really really ashamed of just to survive and have the money to pay the rent and buy food and take care of my kids. i don’t really wanna talk about it on a public forum but you can probably guess the sort of stuff i mean. and outside im 32 and look 15 years older than that, and most people are not as non judgmental as you are being and they judge you for how you look. and i look a real mess, i have to cover myself in makeup to cover up my bad skin, i wear tatty charity shop clothes that arent clean and smell of cigarettes and sweat, i look tired and dirty, my teeth are yellow and frankly my breath stinks. when you look like a hopeless basket case that’s what people see you as. i applied for a job as a secretary a few months ago and i could actually have done the work but they turned me down because i ‘didnt fit the corporate image’.
i wont lose hope and i desperately hope things get better, im trying to drag myself out of this by applying for better jobs and so on, but its hard when you feel depressed and weary and ive not been having much luck. but thanks for trying to cheer me up, its kinda worked.