⚓︎hey i know i'm late to reply and there is probably so much more that has happened from the time you posted this to now.
so i want to say, i recognize you are in (or were) in a bad emotional place and greatly hurt. reading your short post i see you are in-tune to the situation and have pressure from your support (who are looking out for you)
but i can also understand that love isn't something we can turn off.
you have forgiving this person multiple times and therefore i question if because there is a cycle in your relationship that has you allowing your boundaries (which i assume is a traditional monogamous standard) to be warped and even non-existent at times that you've normalized the betrayal's to the point where your self-confidence and worth has deteriorated.
the reason i want to point out that is that you are not happy with this cycle.
yet; it is incredibly human of you to hold onto that cycle.
being cheated on can be so emotionally traumatizing. it changes the people in the relationship. the patterns and habits and the connection.
but us humans are creatures of habits. we need that familiar cycle.
we fight for a toxic cycle because we have become accustom to it and to the role we play in the cycle even if we don't like who we are or what we deal with or do for are loved one.
therefore we bend our boundaries.
moving on from that is upsetting. at first, before you take the time to emotionally heal and focus on your personal growth.
as i type this out, i know that the situation is different for you now.
i hope whatever emotional spot you are at currently at you can look back on what has happened and learn.
i know comments from the internet can feel so cold and me typing out "look back and learn from it" doesnt sit well as an ending to what im trying to say.
i sympathize greatly for you, i truly understand what its like to hold on. to have faith that the connection you had will re-spark.
to hit those walls again and again.
i get it.
but taking a step back and recognizing you need to love yourself, that includes doing the things you dont want to but need to for yourself.
there are soooooo many people in this world who you can connect with, whom will have the same goals and boundaries in romance and relationships with others.
as another comment has said, be smart and lawyer up if you choose to leave. i 100% with leaving out being petty or sad and just having a clean cut away if you decided to part.
if you decided to stay, i hope you two are working it out with a marriage councilor and that you are getting what you want and deserve in the relationship.
⚓︎as another comment has mentioned, look at lgbtq clubs an parts of your community that are lgbtq friendly hangouts. also lgbtq social network at your school, yeah the kids there could be taken but they might have friends who you might be interested in that don't go to your school or maybe they do but you havent noticed them.
best to you
⚓︎oh heck yes i know what you are talking about.
something that i didnt read in the comments that i find helpful is if you havent slept in 20 minutes get out of the bed and go do something else till you feel tired again.
avoid things that are going to stimulate your mind, especially in the bed.
what i find helpful is drinking a nice caffeine free tea and writing down my thoughts, writing what i feel upset about, what my mind is continuously going back to in thoughts and kind of giving a solution to what i want to do about it.
most times this works for me.
like someone else has said, listening to asmr is nice. recently ive been watching a lot of pimple/blackhead popping and thats been very satisfying to watch :) lol
other times ive gone through spells of anxiety robbing my sleep . episodes of me crying and then laughing how ridiculous it is to be crying as i'm crying during the time i'm a hostage to an anxiety attack.
it can come in waves that i can't control with a hot tea and a healthy lifestyle.
and coming to terms with that and getting the medicine needed to help cope is what i would recommend if you are also feeling the anxiety as strongly as that.
best to you
⚓︎from what i gathered you are frustrated living in a space that doesnt have a lot of space for you to communicate. especially to your mom.
i think you are intelligent.
i think you know living with a big family is hard to communicate in.
its difficult to get your voice heard.
its hard on your mom, who is trying to do right for all of you. she cant have her eyes and ears on ever situation that happens and therefore will make those decisions on what she thinks is right.
and yeah its frustrating. cause like you said getting in trouble for what others did is bullshit. you are absolutely right.
but you have to also understand;
being an older sibling you have a 4 year old looking at you like "woah she's so cool, i need to do everything she does, i need to have her things" and the hardest part of that is that it is natural for a 4 year old to be like that.
its natural for them to over exaggerate too, because their emotional intelligence is not experienced enough or do they have capability to understand what is happening all the time.
so yes, she might've not gotten her toe stubbed but she knows her feelings are hurt, she knows you just closed a door on her. because of that, a lil lightbulb might have went off in her mind, cause she mightve had a past experience of her toe being stubbed from a door and thinks that what happened again cause she is emotionally hurt. and at 4 you dont always recognize the difference from physical or emotional pain.
which yes, is frustrating. its going to be frustrating for many years because she is developing. just like you, when you were younger.
knowing this, you need to understand she is not getting you into trouble to get you into trouble.
like other replies, i also agree you need to talk to your mom and tell her how you are feeling frustrated. think what you want to say to her. if you feel like you are still too upset to say it, write it down. give her a letter saying how you feel but also tell her how much you love her.
your mom loves you all and she isnt dishing out punishments to let the younger siblings get away with things.
best to you
⚓︎hey as someone who has experienced similar situations to your own i find myself reading your post and feeling everything you wrote.
i dont know how much help i can be but please know that you are not alone and i welcome you to message me if you want to talk. even if you're just lonely and want to shoot the breeze.